Zana + South Africa = Missionary

Road to Love

2011-02-14T09:58:00.000-08:00

My road to love started here.

Before South Africa, I never wanted to love. To me love was not real. It was more like a charade. A boobie trap so to speak that would land me in a cage where I would be tortured for the rest of my life. So being open to seriously love another person was not an option for me.

Recently, my road to love came to a dead end. DEAD was the word FLASHING in my mind when I faced for the last time what God had used to woo me to love. As I reflect on the road I’ve traveled for years I am overwhelmed with gratitude for God’s gentle guidance through it all. He controlled all circumstances to create in me a heart of complete surrender and passionate desire for Him alone. The resistance and rejection that often overpowered any hope I had forced me to dig deeper and deeper in the word to seek help and fortunately kept me at His feet. I believe part of God's intentions in leading me this way had everything to do with learning to cling to Him (especially since my previous record shows a tendency to leap off any path of rejection and flail into the nearest whiskey river).

I wrote this on September 7, 2010. Three years and one month after the beginning of my journey to love.

I've built an ark so to speak...just as the Lord has commanded me to
down to specific details. Although people around me call me crazy and
claim the exact opposite, I've submitted to thy rod and thy staff over
and over again....embracing humility, fires of refinement and deep deep
sorrow because my desire is to honor Him by building the best ark I
could....and yet there is no rain in sight.

It seems that a joke has been played on me and the rain has been
silenced...clinging to the furthest point in the highest skies and
refusing to fall even though it is made for falling to bring glory and
honor to Him....and because of it's absence....I sit in my ark full of blood, sweat and tears pondering the clouds of unbelief that block the rain...

This was before I had any idea my road to love would indeed be a dead end. Don't get me wrong, there was definitely disappointment and fear of the unknown in my future. But I must say, the good thing about being dead is that you don't feel anything anymore. I was numb and all I had to say was "it's over." I had no explanation for what I knew to be true inside of me.

The good news is that every valley of the shadow of death ends in resurrection. It’s just like the good Lord to bring me to the dead end and in a blink of an eye He parts the waters and gives me a glimpse of the other side. This dead end is really no end at all as far as God's plans are concerned. It's only the beginning of sweet rewards and fruit of years I've given Him my attention.

Now, I can see a future I never imagined could happen and it’s better than anything I could DREAM. Seriously, one minute I don’t have a clue as to what this really means for my life when GOD SHOWS UP. He floods me entirely and my heart swells and throbs with joy at the unexpected gift. He gave me a new hope and a new beginning.

The Year of New Beginnings truly is what it is. What a loving God we have….through impossible circumstances He took a heart that denied the thought of love and made it into a heart that exists only to love. I don’t regret one minute of the way I have come. The glory of this dead end road recreated me to be a lover and a helper. He diligently purified my heart, soul and mind for a much greater story.

Every blissfully painful step of the way will be redeemed once that heavenly glimpse spreads itself out into full view.

4 words we have to remember: GOD KEEPS HIS WORD.

If you are walking in something that seems impossible. He will show up. He will redeem you. He will rock your world. He may decide to shock the heck out of you in HOW He delivers His word but He will do it! I promise!

Psalm 145:9 (Amplified Bible)
9The Lord is good to all, and His tender mercies are over all His works [the entirety of things created].

Amos Lee’s Mission Bell album is stuck in my player these days. This song is perfect for my road to love…boy, did I learn a lot.

Bad Day

2011-02-10T08:37:00.000-08:00

When I woke yesterday morning I knew I should call it a day and stay in bed. My throat was screaming from irritation and my nose was running. My head felt so tight that I would have dismantled it if that were possible to do and still live. I sucked it up and went on to work anyway because I had baked a peanut butter chocolate cake for a friend at work. It was important that we celebrate.

When I walked out the door for work I had what I needed for the day. My daily apple, purse, gloves, scarf and one delicious cake. I did not have my coat. I forgot it because I wore a bulky sweater. This as if the inclination to not go to work upon waking didn’t foreshadow the end of my day was a great sign that things would not go my way.

I drank hot tea all day in hopes to ward off the feelings of sickness. We enjoyed the cake at our staff meeting and the jokes of a ‘blizzard’ were tossed around as usual when they are forecasting snow and ice and talking of closing school AGAIN. The snow started.

My overall demeanor started fading fast as the snow piled up on the driveway. A few managers left and the rest of the staff stuck around waiting out the gridlock traffic downtown to disperse. When they decided to spend their time waiting in a neighboring business known for amazing cheeseburgers I declined which was a clear sign I was not okay. I waited for an hour and decided to make a move.

Upon leaving work in 22 degree weather, the heat in my car decided it wouldn’t join me for the ride home. This was not good. My feet were already cold. I didn’t have a coat. And traffic was at a stand still on Church St. I was in my car for 45 minutes FREEZING and slowly moving along the road towards my end of town when I remembered that I had a bag of new fleece throws in my back seat to distribute to the homeless that I unrolled and wrapped around my legs and upper body. OH, did I mention my gas was on E. So, let’s recap…no coat. No heat. No gas. 45 minutes on road and still miles from home which would normally be a 6 minute drive.

This is where I started freaking out. I decided that it would be better to save my feet from frost bite, park and go into a business until all the traffic disappeared and either call a ride or drive the rest of the way home on a prayer.

I made it to a sushi joint. The place was packed. I guess I wasn’t the only one with this idea. They set me at the end of the sushi bar by the front door because I was alone. Every time the front door would open the coldest slap of air moved in and whipped around my body keeping me from making any progress in increasing overall body temp I needed to have hope of living through this frigid experience. Immediately I took my boots off and folded my feet into my lap in the chair for warmth. I ordered some soup in hopes of warming up on the inside. By this time my throat and head were really hurting. As I waited on my soup (that never showed up) I thought I would text my friends that kept checking in on me and worried about my trip home. I started to use my phone when it went black. Dead.

Dead phone. Frozen feet. Cold body. Forgotten soup. Sick. Flushed. Sandpaper throat. Throbbing head. Icy roads. Stand still traffic. No gas. No heat. No coat.

I grabbed my feet in my lap and squeezed my knees into my chest feeling the momentum of an avalanche of tears building deep inside waiting to break free. And just when i couldn't stand under the weight of it any longer, I hear Daniel Powter break into the chorus of Bad Day.

WHO hears THIS song in a restaurant anymore! Right then in that moment...the perfect timing of an ol' one hit wonder put a whole new spin on my situation. How could it be timed more perfectly? when I am just about to throw a big ol pity party in my frozen state. God orchestrated the playing of one cheesy song about having a bad day that put me in a state of amusement instead of pity.

I busted out laughing instead of crying.

PS I made it home 2.5 hours after leaving work. My roommate was just about to alert the authorities (which would not been the first time police have been given a description of me as a missing person...ha. no really, true story but that one I need to save for my book).

Unattainable

2011-02-07T20:42:00.000-08:00

Unattainable by Little Joy is a favorite.

The part I love the most is:

If only songs were sung
to guide the doubtful ones
beyond the rough
where not as much is good enough
Oh, if you find yourself
amongst the lonely ones
I'll be waiting here with open arms

Most my life I recall having a song in background of my mind as I experience well, life. It's been more than one song but there is always music that is pushing me through my day whether it's from an outside source or not, I'm moving to it. I remember as a little girl when all hell was breaking loose inside I would find my way outside to our swing set to watch the sunset and sing.

I lived on what the locals called "Thrill Hill". It was a road known for teens driving really fast over the top of it and since it was so steep for seconds there was a feeling of being suspended in air as though the car had left the earth. This was the 'thrill' people from 3 counties away would drive to my hometown for. It was really cool for those that didn't have to stop half way down it to turn into the driveway of their home.

The swing set overlooked a large pasture with horses and cows. The steep slope of the hill and position of the swing would allow me to imagine myself floating above the scenery. I remember very vividly the power lines looked like threads of gold outlining the green fields and there I would let the song out. These are probably the only magical moments I remember as a child. There really wasn't a specific song I would perform but more just the melody of my heart...I was hurting so much but something about hearing my own voice and the golden haze on everything in sight would comfort me.

This is what I am reminded of when I hear her sing about songs to guide the doubtful ones. I believe somehow, someway, God composed a song in my heart that pulled me out of the rough. Things really could have turned out so different. But He wouldn't allow it. It is truly unbelievable to think about. I honestly don't know how or why I am still here....and after all that has happened...I still sing.

LOVE Is a Burning Flame

2011-02-04T15:09:00.000-08:00

Let me just say, there is a lot of LOVE going on around me. I LOVE it! My heart’s biggest desire is that all the people in my life will receive the love they deserve. Or rather not so much what they deserve but being overwhelmed with a big big love without doing one thing to deserve it. I’ve had privilege after privilege to walk, pray, cry, sing, dance and skip with several of my friends as they begin their life-long love stories. It is so fun!

This morning I was shocked to see scripture in an entertainment-industry related email. It caught my eye immediately because it is a verse that I pray quite a bit. Evidently, so did June.

See link for the article I read and ignited today’s blog post. JUNE

Everyone loves the story of Johnny and June, don’t they? What a hoot it was to hear the story of Johnny saying to June backstage at the Opry ‘some day I’m gonna marry you’. I remember when I started my current job and learned more about them. I was amazed at how God worked all things together for good in their lives. Before I knew the deeper truth I figured it was the same ol’ celebrity romance.

Now I believe God was the pursuer in this unique love story. I’ve seen this happen in others too. I believe it is possible to meet your soulmate and know it is so even though that person is in a place that is far far from being ready for your love. Now, I’m not saying this happens all the time but I believe it is possible to know in your heart that God has drawn you to someone without ever seeing proof in their actions towards you. It is possible. I believe that waiting on living proof of God’s pursuit can last longer than you think. After those years pass, you can look back and begin to understand why God has continued to work out details in your own heart, purifying and preparing it for a larger story. That knowledge can be a huge gift that further explains what the call to love is before ever given a chance to love them.

I also believe that the person you are drawn to through your faith walk with God has the choice to walk away from what they see and know to be His blessing on their life. This is the catch. You can walk with God and believe in His pursuit and faithfulness but we all have a choice. God is sooooooo good to His children in how He loves, pursues and blesses us but I’ve seen how some of us can take one long deep look into that blessings’ eyes, pivot and walk away…in fact, run.

The story won’t end there. I believe God will redeem the one He taught to love so well even if the other person walks away. I believe great is thy faithfulness to the one that obeys Him even if obedience has led to rejection here on earth.

June chose to walk away from Johnny…more than once. One fine day she made the choice to stop and fix her gaze on the man with the soul God planted deep fiery unconditional June passion in. She chose the man that fought for her for years. The man that loved her more the day she died than the day he met her. I’m sure I’m not the only one that thanks God that June finally chose to love Johnny.

I believe in love and the unthinkable happening. It’s truly a miracle from God that I have come to this place especially since I’ve never truly seen or experienced it first hand. In fact, there was a day when I never wanted to love at all. I guess you can say I don’t have to see it to believe it. I know love is real and it happens. Love is so powerful within me and the day that man decides to choose me the flood of love that rushes through the door of my heart will be like the force of a thousand rivers rushing over him.

Love! It’s such a great gift from God. I’ll never stop being thankful that God decided to pursue me to love without limits. He certainly didn’t have to give me this gift of love. And maybe…just maybe if the Lord sees it fit for me there will come a day when my own ‘Johnny’ will be pacing and waiting for these baby blues to pop open and share that early morning pot of coffee.

"We're soulmates, friends and lovers and everything else that makes a happy marriage. Our hearts are attuned to each other, and we're very close. I'll get up every morning at five o'clock and make the coffee, then start pacing the floor, wanting her to get up. But I'll let her sleep for a couple of more hours. If she smells the coffee, she's up."
Johnny Cash about June Carter

Jesus

2011-02-01T14:28:00.000-08:00

I received the album Mission Bell by Amos Lee this week. I have this song on repeat.

Whiskey & Scripture

2011-01-27T09:59:00.000-08:00

or is it Scripture & Whiskey? Anyway…here are my thoughts.

So, this morning I read Ps 107. Part of this passage reached out and GRABBED me.

Rather it was like the verses 17-22 came off the page as a hand held mirror and all I could see was my own reflection staring back at me.

Psalm 107:17-22 (New International Version, ©2010)
17 Some became fools through their rebellious ways
and suffered affliction because of their iniquities.
18 They loathed all food
and drew near the gates of death.
19 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.
20 He sent out his word and healed them;
he rescued them from the grave.
21 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for mankind.
22 Let them sacrifice thank offerings
and tell of his works with songs of joy.

Funny part is…as I read these words over and over I was reminded of my anthem during those days…let’s call them my whiskey days.

A cd of truckin music was given to me. I loved it…well, I still do. But there is a song on this cd that I ALWAYS played on my way to rebellious ways. It fired me up! I remember thinking “yeah, I’m gonna be somebody no matter what’s his face does”.

This morning the song immediately started playing in my head as I read this scripture. All I could remember while reading was “I gotta drink up and be somebody”. I laughed to myself and thought wow, that’s what I thought of myself, huh. So, just for fun on my way to work I pulled that cd out. In fact, it was very easily accessible. Below you will find the lyrics. As I listened I realized how deceived I was in the whiskey days. I was trucking right along and having a GREAT TIME with my friends and doing this and that…whatever I wanted…living the life! I mean I had F. U. N. wherever I went. Everyone I met was a friend. People always enjoyed seeing me and being with me. But this was my anthem? My way of preparing for an evening with friends that I loved?

Drink Up and Be Somebody by Merle Haggard

Well I gotta keep my reputation I gotta keep my pride
Can't let you know you've hurt me I can't let you know I've cried
I gotta make you think I'm happy everywhere I go
I gotta keep my hurt inside me I can't let it show
I gotta drink up and be somebody I have another round
I can't let my troubles find me I gotta keep your mem'ry down
Can't let you drive me crazy can't let you win I gotta drink up and be somebody again

Well I can't spend my whole life grieving I gotta find myself
I gotta put me back together I gotta find me someone else
I don't make you think I'm happy everywhere I go
I gotta keep my hurt inside me I can't let it show
I gotta drink up and be somebody...

I have to tell you something…I had no idea how hurt I was. NONE. I was just doing exactly what Merle Haggard (and I) sang and living in denial of the true pain that consumed me. And my anthem almost killed me.

Now, Psalm 107:17-22 is my reflection. Wow.

Now, that’s a reason to sing many many songs of JOY and DANCE around the room!

PS just for the icing on the cake, (as if there is need for more in this post) I have been asking God to remove all pride from my heart this week. The first line of my old anthem says the opposite of my prayer. Zzzzzzing. Jesus gets me every time.

Outta my skin

2011-01-26T14:04:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had that moment where all of your skin, bones and body parts are walking towards something?

Something that you KNOW you are supposed to walk in to be more fully who God made you to be.

Something that is so good and is said to bless the heck out of you, BUT that very something is the darkest, gnarliest, scariest thing in the world to you.

That something makes you want to run out of your skin. And you envision using the fastest moves you’ve got to get as far away from that something as possible...all because somehow your mind is convinced that brilliant, so-called amazing something will shred you to tee-tiny little itty-bitty bits inflicting horrific pain that will never stop.

Yeah, today...I want to run outta my skin.

This song helps me stay in it.

Two Words. I'm. Back.

2011-01-25T11:59:00.000-08:00

Okay, it's been ALMOST two years since my last post. Why you ask that I am returned to this blog I use to love and nurture so much?

There are reasons. I'll list them.

1. My own gremlins of rejection have slowly strangled the part of my heart God made to write. I struggle. Rejection is the biggest battle I fight everyday. Now God is breathing new life into my creative heart...it's slowly being resuscitated and filled with NEW BEGINNINGS!

2. I went to a writers conference this weekend. I learned everything under the sun about writing a book because that is what I want to do. They had a whole session on blogs. I thought, "yeah, i got one...i should take it up a notch." So over the next month or so I am going to work with some creative brainiacs and try to give my blog a face lift or tuck or something.

3. I have things I want to share that have impressed me so. Like this blog I read today. EVERYONE should read it. It's about chasing love and whether you think you need to or not...you should. Here it is. http://lysaterkeurst.com/2011/01/chasing-love-2/

4. There are huge things happening in my life. For instance, I was on national television in October. Yeah, nuts, huh.

You can watch it at this link. http://www.cbn.com/700club/features/amazing/Zana-Hembree-100510.aspx

and 5. Sunday was a huge day for me. HUGE. It's crazy how HUGE days just jump up and slap me with great surprise sometime. I told my dad about my car accident for the first time in the middle of production with the 700 Club interview. I gave him the dvd of it at Thanksgiving (fearfully gave it to him...not willingly but ONLY out of obedience to my Heavenly Father). The day I feared most was the one he decided to watch my interview. Fortunately, he has had some technical difficulties for some time now. Sunday was the day it all changed. He had some assistance and watched the interview. I'm so glad it's over. See below for an email I sent to a friend to fill him in.

It happened yesterday. I was on my way back from North Carolina attending a writer’s conference and I received a text from my sister giving me a heads up that my dad was watching my 700 Club interview for the FIRST time at that moment. I have feared this day for a long time but you know what…God took care of me. First, I had a heads up. So when I received a call from my dad that afternoon I knew what the subject matter would be. I never know from day to day what he will want to talk about when he calls. Yesterday I did.

It went better than I could ever imagine. Of course, he approached in random and insecure ways (i.e. for instance leading into his viewing by telling me about my uncle that ran moon shine at age 14) but I only spoke to the things I felt confident in and allowed him to carry on about the things that I KNEW he wanted to argue. It was truly incredible how it flowed. God allowed me to take the ridiculous things he said and dismiss them. And at the same time, I spoke truth about the situation. The things that REALLY mattered and not the things he clearly wanted me to argue. And before I got off the phone I gave him two scripture I would be praying for him this week and that he should pray the scripture too. John 8:32 and Ps 32. Also, I told him that all the horrible things that I have done…all the drinking and the sinning were my actions to be responsible for. And that I had repented and prayed to God about my own forgiveness in how I sinned against him and that he has FREED me from guilt and shame. And because of freedom through the blood of Jesus that I was able to love him and others in my life without limits. I told him very bluntly that I did not blame him for any of my actions but that I was the only one to blame for my sin…and even now feel no blame because of Jesus.

I’m praying God would reveal the truth to him about the things he said to me that were not right. I’m praying that he will learn the TRUE gospel of Jesus. That Jesus can forgive him for everything that he has done to our family and release him from guilt and shame.

I’m not sure why I’m sharing this with you. But my dad prays and reads the bible. I never thought I would live to see the day. God does the impossible. He changes even the most deceived hearts. It’s unbelievable to me that yesterday even happened. God is so loving!

Well, that it's for now. I will be on. it. Getting a new look. 2011 is THE YEAR OF NEW BEGINNINGS! So, why not start it off with new face for my blog!

love.

Old stories...

2009-06-28T06:34:00.000-07:00

There are some things that I wrote while in South Africa that I have excluded from this blog. Now, for some reason I feel compelled to share them. Maybe because what I thought would be my future has been delayed or in fact changed course all together. Regardless, I really enjoy reading how God opened my heart in an intimate way during that time. I never imagined me going to volunteer would result in a soul make over from the depths of my heart to my outer appearance.

Written Aug 16, 2007

The Untouchables  

Sometimes she wonders about him.
She wonders if he weren't untouchable would she still want to know him.
If he were standing at her door holding out his hand,
would she slip her hand into his and take a walk and talk for hours...
OR would she decide that he isn't for her after all.
Maybe the whole time she is thinking of him as the untouchable,
She's really the one he is unable to touch.

inspired by the following scripture:
Gen 2:18
God said, "Its not good for the Man to be alone; I'll make him a helper, a companion."
AND
1 John 3:20
For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.

September 9, 2007

The Idea

I fell in love?

I was in love with splashing through puddles with you. I was in love with the steady stares received by others as we enter a room hand in hand as you led me to the dance floor. I was in love with the way you would spin me as if I was the only girl in your world. Others would say it's not fair how we laughed together. It appeared we were a perfect fit. Each of us in love with the features the other had to offer. The charade we played so well was not evident to our own minds. Although we were in sync to the naked eye the invisible force lying within us continued to collide. I can't help but wonder if you ever loved me just for who I was then again I ask myself the same question of you. And each time the pain comes back I try not to blame you and I shouldn't because I never gave you a chance. You were not invited to see me or be a lover of my soul. For, my dear friend, I was never in love with you. The idea of what you offered was the only thing that I fell for. And as you fall 'in love' over and over I hope that you find the Key before failing again.

**********************************************************************************************

Waiting on an Angel by Ben Harper

Waiting on an angel
 one to carry me home
 hope you come to see me soon 
cause I don't want to go alone 
I don't wanna go alone  
Now angel won't you come by me 
angel hear my plea
 take my hand lift me up
 so that I can fly with thee
 so that I can fly with thee
  And I'm waiting on an angel 
and I know it won't be long 
to find myself in a resting place 
in my angel's arms
 in my angel's arms
  So speak kind to a stranger
 cause you'll never know
 it just might be an angel come
 knockin' at your door
 knockin' at your door
  And I'm waiting on an angel 
and I know it won't be long
 to find myself in a resting place 
in my angel's arms
 in my angel's arms  
Waiting on an angel 
one to carry me home
 hope you come to see me soon 
cause I don't wanna go alone
 I don't wanna go alone 
don't wanna go
 I don't wanna go alone

Written Sept 28, 2007

I want out (the only reason i include this is because i think its funny how God changed my heart in two days from being so fed up and wanting to run away to Him bringing me a refreshing new perspective that only HE could take me away and controlled ALL of this which led me to 'Bright Eyes')

I want out. I want out of what I thought was something it's not. I want to take back all the conversations, the compliments, the favors. I want to be erased from all interaction. I'm not sure how or if this is possible…especially since I want out but I don't want my exit to even be known and honestly, I don't think it'll be noticed…i was never really noticed in the first place. There are no hard feelings but for some reason I don't feel like it's as easy as not talking ever again. For some reason I feel like I owe my friendship. Really? I already have lots of good friends. I don't really have room for another friend so the friendship thing probably wouldn't work either. So, I guess I'll just chalk this up to a huge miscommunication and will be glad to chat if we bump into each other at starbucks or show up at the same show at my favorite hang out. But please, let's keep it brief…a hello will be enough…anything more may be too much and cause me to lose my lunch.

Written Sept 30, 2007

Bright Eyes

He carries himself with ease.
Style, hair and dance moves all a work of art.
His existence screams creativity.
With his contagious smile he encourages others.
He is oblivious to the strength he owns.
The soulish strength is held hostage by a misleading ache
The reflection in his bright eyes reveals an ocean of depth that only she can relate
Yet fear keeps his feet anchored in his own deceptions.
She knows what he doesn’t and waits for him
For each piercing glance of his bright eyes sends lightning through her veins
An intense electricity that only God can create.

inspired by Song of Songs 2:14

"O my dove, in the clefts of the rock,
In the secret place of the steep pathway,
Let me see your form,
Let me hear your voice;
For your voice is sweet,
And your form is lovely."

Written Oct 26, 2007

healthy heart but...

She's got a healthy heart but she needs an operation.
There's something wrong.
Something that causes it to hurt and there seems to be no resolution.
Is surgery even an option?
Could a scalpel even touch the depth in which he is embedded?
Her constant prayers plead for a new heart.
One with no sign of him so she can go on living without him in every picture her eyes take.
Even her spiritual surgeon refuses to operate.
She's forced to sit and wait.
Knowing time will take her heart to the highest peak and drop it into the deepest ocean.
As it falls…shock, joy, adventure, love, new, life, fear, excitement will replace the ache in her.
Her only chance at survival with this heart is living in the certainty of her dreams.

PS

2009-06-15T19:58:00.000-07:00

i have lots to write...Dublin, tragedy, heart ache, rejection, despair. i'm working on it...i promise. to catch you up via blogs was part of my plan for getting out of town but all i could do on my getaway was be still (literally). i didn't hardly move at my destination due to physical, emotional and spiritual exhaustion. stay tuned.

'til i can crank out a good 'un listen to this.

2009-06-15T19:45:00.000-07:00

I have a new hobby. It's traveling alone. I can't believe that I haven't ever vacationed by myself since I love being alone but I did it this past weekend. I may never travel with someone again (ok, that's extreme). Anyway, I've been at the end of my rope...a dead end mind you. Asking God for a way out of what He has revealed to me. Kinda like my best friend Jesus did but me not so selflessly...i'm just tired of the pain and trials. I recommend this sermon to everyone that has been saturated in sorrow and felt like dying. You're not alone.

Pray Like Jesus: The Gethsemane Prayer

i quit.

2009-05-29T05:58:00.000-07:00

i quit. yesterday the weight was so heavy and the darkness so thick i quit. i told God i would no longer pray or even consider what He has told me of my future that i have known for years. it's too ridiculous and too painful. and there is NOTHING. NOT. ONE. THING. i can do.

i just accidentally came across this in an email (while looking for work related info, crazy) that was sent to me last September by an angel...my angel. i have referenced darkness several times in the past 48 hours. i don't know...what is going to happen from here but i sure am glad to read this and maybe it will help you.

love you all.
z

Self-Deliverance
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2 by Os Hillman
Monday, September 29 2008

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil" (Proverbs 3:5-7).

Oswald Chambers advises, "Whenever God gives a vision to a saint, he puts the saint in the shadow of His hand, as it were, and the saint's duty is to be still and listen... When God gives a vision and darkness follows, waiting on God will bring you into accordance with the vision He has given if you await His timing. Otherwise, you try to do away with the supernatural in God's undertakings.

Never try to help God fulfill His word."*

In the book of Proverbs, Solomon warns us not to rely on our own fallible wisdom while trying to do God's perfect will. God wants us to wait for His deliverance. His means of bringing us to spiritual maturity requires us to wait on His deliverance through adversity so that we will be able to discern the difference between our own self-deliverance and God's authentic deliverance in our lives.

It's a paradox but it's true: God often calls us to a ministry - then He deliberately thwarts our efforts to achieve our goals! We see it in the life of Moses. In obedience to God, Moses told Pharaoh, "Let my people go!" How did Pharaoh respond? He said, "Who is the Lord that I should obey him and let Israel go? I do not know the Lord and I will not let Israel go." Again and again, Moses returned and demanded freedom for his people. Again and again, Pharaoh refused.

God sent plague after plague upon the Egyptians. In response, Pharaoh hardened his heart and persecuted Moses and the people of Israel. So Moses complained to God, "You called me to go to Pharaoh, but You are not freeing the people!" Moses grew discouraged because God had called him to fulfill a vision - a dream of liberation for his people - and the vision seemed to die.

But God was teaching Moses and the people of Israel to persevere, to obey, and to wait upon the Lord in patient trust for God's perfect time for deliverance.

flashback

2009-03-27T20:25:00.000-07:00

my day has been full of a little bit of everything...joy! at one point i thought to myself how there oughtta be a law against how awesome my life can be sometimes and then sadness...when i get overwhelmed with strife in my life and those that are a part of my heart. even in the severe sadness i feel so blessed and would never want to give up. it hasn't always been this way.

i had a flashback just now and sometimes i believe these are truly providential to remind me of His sovereignty in my life. i remembered a time when i didn't want to live one more day. i seriously was disgusted by my own existence. i remembered a close friend asking me what i wanted to do for my 27th birthday to which i replied 'i hope i don't see 27.'

i'm thankful for the grace and mercy i have been shown. that i have seen 27, 28, 29 and 30. these past three years i have been the most painful but the absolutely most joyful years of my life. i finally learned to laugh...really laugh and cry...really cry. i can't believe this is my life. though He is still working on me. i am reminded about my self-centeredness when i have a special someone that is suffering physical pain each and everyday. they say they're thankful for it when i keep saying i wish it would go away it's holding us back. to which they respond that it's taught them how to live life on a different level with new eyes. "i've never seen life like this before and it is a blessing."

the pain that held me hostage in a whiskey glass at age 26 made me want to die. that pain was nothing compared to today. but now only because of Jesus i am sustained day in and day out to endure the pain of a fallen world but with a hope bigger than this entire green and blue globe because i know one day my mourning will turn into to dancing...and never turn back. forever and ever and ever dancing amen.

Romans 8:18-21
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the GLORY that will be revealed IN us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in HOPE that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the GLORIUS FREEDOM of the children of God.

Dublin, Ireland

2009-03-25T18:20:00.001-07:00

I can't really explain it. But like most everything in my life this opportunity came out of left field. You have all read about how God said NO to me returning to South Africa not 1 but 3 times in the past 9 months. I tell ya, it has been painful being rejected over and over again but I have continued to seek Him with everything in me. It's all I really know how to do as I have lived the life of a rebel before and never EVER want to go back there again.

I love the church I attend. I have enjoyed getting involved and being a part of a group that is just as thirsty as I am. When the interest meeting came about for a trip to Dublin, Ireland I rejected 3 invitations to attend. I didn't think that God wanted me to leave the country. I thought that I was waiting for a green light from Him to return to South Africa. And although my heart is made for missions I was closed to the idea of joining the Ireland team.

I had an interesting couple of weeks after that. One being a week of some pretty significant sadness. I didn't know where it had came from. The sadness caused me to question everything that I thought God was doing in my life. EVERYTHING. I was very low and felt that my life was one of no purpose at all and empty. I gave everything back to Him asking Him to reveal why He would get my attention with such a feeling of heavy sorrow. I expressed to God in the midst of this that I had felt I lost my path to South Africa. I vividly remember saying "missions isn't even a part of my life anymore."

My closest friends really reached out to me. They were perplexed by my struggle and could only pray that I would find my way out. The following week was my birthday. I was so angry at the timing of my sorrow since I have always been very excited about celebrating my entrance into this world. Thankfully I was slowly coming out of it the closer my birthday approached. I was doing all that could to help others, pray for others and do for others as to not focus on myself in hopes of finding some inspiration.

I called to chat with a friend the night before my birthday. She plays a significant role in the Ireland trip my church is taking. She has been on of the main encouragers in regard to my involvement in the trip. We chatted briefly about recent events in our lives and then she shared a little about the direction God is taking her. She then went into saying that she thought I should seriously consider going on the trip to Ireland. It was like a swift swat to the back of my head when God said to me "You have never been open to another destination. I need you to be open to Ireland." I was shocked. I never wanted to be open to Ireland even though the main goal of a mission trip to Ireland is the SAME goal I have for my own life: The Kingdom.

I responded carefully as I didn't want to jump on an opportunity for the sake of feeling saved from my sadness to focus on a trip to a foreign land. I asked my friend to pray for me as I seek God and what His purpose would be for me in this trip. I was so afraid of rejection and getting my heart crushed once again by the abrupt slam of the door in my face. But I OPENED my heart to it and begin to pray about Ireland. I spoke with the Missions Director the next day and asked her to pray for me. I was apprehensive still about just jumping on the band wagon to go on a mission trip. She told me that she had 1 space left open for rooms and could make my flight arrangements the following week as well as the first meeting would be the following Sunday. I told her that I would pray about it until Sunday and let her know.

I didn't advertise my consideration of this trip to anyone but the people that have committed to pray with and for me on a daily basis. I didn't want any other voices but God's to be heard in my head. Everytime I began to pray about Ireland I would get excited about how God would use me. My past being drowned in whiskey is something that rather common in their country. How I could sit and talk with others for hours and relate to how they feel now but then tell them how they COULD feel with Jesus in their life. I prayed for tangible signs. The first one was having an unexpected conversation with my supervisor on a temporary production job I have. I didn't plan on telling her right away that I was considering the trip but it happened and she immediately said that there would be no problem with my absence during that time. To be honest I NEVER thought she would respond that way...it was so effortless to confirm my time off it was almost funny to me as much as I stressed about it when first considering the trip. But no...no one sent me large amounts of money. Oh, I asked...I said "God, you got the bank...send me check." Well, He hasn't sent it just yet. But the words of my uncle who is a pastor was what put me over the edge for Ireland. He said, "Zana, He has already said Go!...just Go! until He says No!"

And so, I have committed to the trip. I feel really good about it and I am excited about getting to know members of the church better through serving with them. God has a very special plan for this trip. I can feel it...The closer it gets the more I feel confident that this is what He wants for me at this time in my life.

Once I have more information about details of our time in Ireland, I'll let you know. Again, since I have been so negligent of my blog I don't even know if my ol' followers still take a looksie. I know I talked to one of them on the phone today. She is a true inspiration as she has opened her heart to the work God is doing in her life. It's very exciting that God has nurtured our relationship initially through my blog and now via email. I am so thankful for her transparency in how He is moving in her life.

Please pray for our team of 12 as we travel to Dublin, Ireland. We will leave on May 16th and return May 24th. I have to be honest....I can't believe it. I get to go on a mission trip. This is the strangest life I have ever known.

Jehovah Jireh

2009-03-23T22:30:00.000-07:00

story time. so i just got home and i've been up since 530am to deal with car issues and had one heck of a day and all i want to do is shut my eyes but I HAD TO SHARE...(and my stories are long sorry)

so some of you may know that i have driven around in the heat of Nashville for 2.5 yrs withOUT an AC in my car. it's been pretty gross and almost dangerous at times. anyhow, my mother has been on me about tradin it in because well there are 'other' blemishes my car has that actually caused my dad to say when he got in my car to ride to christmas dinner and i quote "this car looks like someone's that drinks"...(he's special). anyway, i love my car and DID NOT want to trade it in unless they would let me trade out the back window that has my South Africa bumper sticker on it. anyhow, been praying about it for a week now...looking to trade...while i'm praying my car decides to pick up the nasty habit of smoking this weekend. i was pissed. esp at God because i was like "i'm praying about my car already...why do you let it smoke???" i drove 3 hrs to bama and 3 hrs back to TN yesterday without EVER looking under the hood. (i know i'm brilliant). I flung the hood open when i got home last night...the dang cap on my motor disappeared and oil was E'ERYWHERE!!! i couldn't figure out how this happened. i had my oil changed like 1.5 months ago...it was the strangest thing. well, you can't drive a car without oil so to the best of my ability in the dark i poured some more oil in my car and stuck a rag in the hole to get her to the shop.

i take it to a place where my friend suggests off Thompson Lane. i tell the man my freakish disappearing incident and about the ac just to see what he would come back with....he gave me a GREAT rate to fix the AC and i said go for it...and throw in some windshield wipers (the rubber had come off of both of mine...ha). he called me back at 2 and said it was ready but then said...you want a new windshield? (it was cracked all the way across since the first time i tried to wash my car after i bought it...another ridiculous story) i said do you do that? he said yes. i said do you do a good job? to which he laughed and said yes the guy up the street does it but we can bill you for it too. wally told me what my total would be including the windshield - $775. i said look wally...i only have $700 (by 'i' i mean my sugar daddy chase and i pulled this figure outta my...) if you can do it within that (this total included tax) i'll take a windshield. he called me back and said yes...we'll make it happen for you.

so i got a my car fixed after 2.5 years at a very cheap rate compared to estimates in the past by being FORCED to go to the shop....

THE KICKER: i had just got off the phone with my friend telling her how i'm excited but i had to charge it and i didn't like that at all (God has convicted me of my credit card debt and i have paid off TWO cards in the last year and only have ONE more to go)...we both agreed that we were thankful for the repairs and it would be worth it since God has given me jobs to pay for it with.

i hang up. i get another call...it's about my tax return to which i had forgotten ALL about...guess how much i'm getting back...$781! Either way...GOD had me covered. Can you believe that?

i got my car fixed for FREEEEEEEE!!!! (kinda) and all i had to do was pray...how bout them apples?

Jehovah Jireh, my friends, and don't you forget it!

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Blissfully painful

2009-01-12T19:45:00.000-08:00

I will always remember 2008 as being exactly that...blissfully painful. A year of excruciating pain with all kinds of bliss sprinkled in the cracks of my shattered heart. I have been trying for weeks now to put into words my experience. After telling someone today that I would not give up all the pain for the nearness of God that I learned to love so much I remembered this song. I started 2008 'knowing' what it would be like. I had plans. Plans God had told me about...He had put them in my heart. To live in a place and be with certain people. Daily I would cry out to God and give everything to Him in prayer...and His plan hurt me over and over again. He slowly took it all away until I was left with nothing but Him. And now all I have is gratitude.

I'll write more later...it's in me though I have experienced so much in the past 4 months that it's hard to filter through what God wants me to say to you...IF you're even still there.

PS OH and in the meantime that I haven't been writing HERE I have written something for a magazine called Christian Single and YES I will be published for the first time in Apr 2009. I have visions of book tours in my head...

Understudy

2008-10-21T07:44:00.001-07:00

I thought I would just let those of you who still read this know what is going on with me. I am living in Nashville with friends of mine who have been so generous to let me stay in their home. When I awoke on Sunday morning my eyes filled with tears due to the overwhelming gratitude that God has provided a bed for me to sleep in during this time. I can not describe to you what a difference it makes in my daily life to have a bed instead of a couch. Both are better than the floor so I have been blessed this entire year.

In addition to having my own 4 walls, door, window, closet, ceiling fan, dresser, and bathroom, God has provided a job that is a perfect fit for my inner-missionary-clock that only requires me to work 20-25 hours a week. I am the Marketing & Sales Rep for Flavor Catering (let me know if you need food!). I have to say that getting back into the swing of working period is an adjustment that has taken some serious prayer time. It’s not easy. OH, I’m also working a free-lance job for the Country Music Association as the Plaza Events Manager during the awards show in November. Again, another blessing from God that He would give me such an opportunity.

The most major change recently is I’m going to a different church now too. Everything…I mean, everything in my life has changed. I never imagined that I would go to another church but God simply had a different plan for me. I was comfortable where I was at and it was my connection to South Africa. After God cancelled yet another planned trip to Cape Town through the church I was devastated. I went to bed that night…well, crying. I woke up in my sleep about 3am and I felt the presence of God. I was wide-awake lying in bed staring into darkness as God begin to tell me all that I had to do to get in line with His plan for me. He told me to let go of South Africa and trust Him in addition to telling me to close my mission fund account and begin visiting another church that very Sunday.

When I finally decided to get out of bed 3.5 hours after I awoke, I felt an overwhelming peace. The most peace I had had in MONTHS. Everyone noticed it. I went to coffee with a friend and she said, "Wow, Zana, what happened? You are glowing." I then began to tell her how God had told me the next steps and I had NO IDEA why He brought this change on but that He had been telling me since the first of the year to do it and I had continued to ignore His instructions (ha, will I ever learn?). And now that He had made me completely uncomfortable AND taken yet another trip away, I was ready to comply and try His direction.

That Sunday I started going to a church that I had only visited 6 or so times this year. I have been visiting there for almost 2 months now and each Sunday I go I am encouraged by my inner-peace that this is where God wants me to be in this time in Nashville though I don’t know how long that will be. I am so thankful for listening to His final plea for me to make the move. I simply love following His lead, which helps when all the questions are catapulted at me from those living around me and wondering why I change direction so often. It’s funny how even my God-lovin friends sometime have a hard time comprehending my answer of “Well, God said so.”

The reason I titled this understudy because that is what I feel like. I feel as though I have become an understudy for a role that is not my own. Each and every day I am walking, speaking and living in someone else’s world and that this is not my life. I prayed one simple prayer in January 2006 that God would bring drastic change and you know how sometimes our prayers go unanswered well, I guess He liked that prayer SO MUCH He continues to answer it over and over and over again.

So, this is what I am doing now. It’s a challenge to be still in this time. I want to leave town so bad…but because I know all about the repercussions of rebelling…I think I’ll sit right here and pray for yet another change…hopefully one that We will both agree on.

ENGAGED!!!

2008-09-27T08:26:00.001-07:00

Okay, i got a pop up message this morn that my dear sweet flatmate while living in South Africa is ENGAGED to her South African boyfriend, Wayne Denne. Laural and her whole family are in Cape Town right now visiting him and his family. I don't know details but the proposal happened at Cape Point (great location, Wayne). Anyway, this is a HUGE flat prayer praise as the three of us would pray together once every week dividing our prayer time into categories such as: local, home, personal AND always praying in general for our husbands. God is so good. Wayne is one of the most Godly men I have met. Below is a photo of the two in addition to a little something i wrote almost one year ago on Sept 24th (the day i got bit by a one-eyed dog) about their story. WOW...God is good.

A Pursuit Worth Praying For

You know, lately I have found that it IS possible to fall in love at first sight. The catch is that each person involved must have a heart prepared by God. Mature in their faith…fully seeking His will for their life.

It’s actually one of the most amazing things I have witnessed. Here’s how it goes and Lord willing the Author of my love story will write it just as beautifully.

She shows up on his door step with her friend who knew him from way back when. She had heard about him but had no idea what would be standing behind the door of flat #5 on that windy August day.

He noticed her honey brown hair first. It lay soft and curling on her shoulders which perfectly framed her chocolate brown eyes and cheerful smile. His intrigue was instant. She knew right away he looked at her with different eyes than her friends. She asked herself what would cause such an unfamiliar glance…but a glance she had hoped for all her life. The first encounter was brief but left him with her image in his head for days. He had to see her again. He asked God what could come of this new friend. One that he knew would only be in and out of his life before he knew it if he didn’t take action…but being mindful to listen to the voice of God with every step.

He made it a point to rescue us girls on sunny afternoon. “To the beach!” He claimed sweeping us out of the flat for a walk on the beach. He couldn’t help but stare at her. Her face held so much mystery…one he felt he had to solve some way some how. He knew he had to take baby steps in this uncharted territory for fear of blowing his chances. He sensed that she wasn’t like any other girl he had ever met. She was the real thing…sent from God.

He made it a point to ask her friends questions trying not to be completely obvious of his attraction. Even though her attraction was just as strong for this Godly man with striking looks, she was hesitant…knowing her own heart is so fragile. She didn’t want to hurt again but knew that if God was in control everything would be alright. She really didn’t say much but for him she really didn’t have to.

He still wants to know her more and more every day. Although he realizes the significance of this immeasurable treasure God delivered to his own door step he’s patient. When he thinks of the lifetime with her that will lead to an eternity he knows the importance of timing. Their lives can only be on God’s watch and any fast move on either end may blemish the perfection of love at first sight.

****************************************************************

video is taken from the first day we met Wayne...Women's Day Aug 9, 2007

PS

2008-09-25T08:49:00.000-07:00

please don't interpret my responses as i am not doing everything i can to be productive in the mean time...i AM looking for a job and have had various things come up along the way that have kept me busy.

so, just so you know...i don't sit and do nothing and watch the time creep by. looking back my lack of explanation in the beginning was from sheer frustration of telling the story over and over again so i was trying to keep it simple. i know i know, He doesn't want me to keep it to myself hence the blog and all the various people i meet with to share on a regular basis.

why am i explaining myself? i dont know, fear of your judgement? i guess...

crap, i'm never gonna be perfect.

Chronicles of Zana

2008-09-25T08:39:00.000-07:00

Dialogue from landlord’s birthday celebration, I met a new friend:

Landlord friend: So, Zana, what do you do?
Me: Nothing.
Landlord friend: No, seriously, what do you do?
Landlord: She’s serious.
Landlord friend: Well, what would you LIKE to do, Zana?
Me: Be a missionary.
Landlord friend: Well, that seems simple, why don’t you do that?
Me: God won’t let me.
Landlord friend: God won’t let you be a missionary?!!?!?
Me: Yep.
Landlord friend: How do you know that?

After this question the conversation continued with my summarized explanation about how all this went down with my change of direction and how I am in this ocean of uncertainty. After our discussion, I was really bothered that God wouldn’t let me do his work.

Fast forward 12 hours and I read this:

September 24 taken from Streams in the Desert

When they came to the border of Mysia, they tried to enter Bithynia, but the Spirit of Jesus would not allow them to. Acts 16:7

What a strange thing for the Lord to prohibit, for they were going into Bithynia to do Christ’s work! And the door was shut before them by Christ’s own Spirit.

There have been times when I have experience the same thing. Sometimes I have been interrupted in what seemed to be quite productive work. And at times, opposition come and forced me to go back, or sickness came and forced me to rest in so isolated place.

During such times, it was difficult for me to leave my work unfinished when I believed it was service done in the power of His Spirit. But I finally remembered that the Spirit requires not only a service of work but also a service of waiting. I came to see that in the kingdom of Christ, there are not only times for action but times to refrain from action. And I also came to learn that a place of isolation is often the most useful place of all in this diverse world. Its harvest is more rich than the seasons when the corn and wine were the most abundant. So I have learned to thank the blessed Holy Spirit that many a beautiful Bithynia had to be left without a visit from me.

Dear Holy Spirit, my desire is still to be led by You. Nevertheless, my opportunities for usefulness seem to be disappointed, for today the door appears open into a life of service for You but tomorrow it closes before me just as I am about to enter. Teach me to see another door even in the midst of the inaction of this time. Help me to find, even in the area of service where You have closed the door, a new entrance into your service. Inspire me with the knowledge that a person may sometimes be called to serve by doing nothing, by staying still, or by WAITING. And when I remember the power of Your gentle whisper, I will not complain that sometimes the Spirit allows me NOT to go.

When I cannot understand my Father’s leading,
And it seems to be but hard and cruel fate,
Still I hear that gentle whisper ever pleading,
God is working, God is faithful, ONLY WAIT.

By George Matheson

Coincidence? I don’t think so…

Vulnerable yet safe...

2008-09-19T09:11:00.000-07:00

As if I needed confirmation on why i posted the vulnerable blog yesterday...He sent me some scripture in my devotion this morn to remind me that i am safe in Him.

Scripture version taken from The Message:

1 Timothy 1:15-20

Here's a word you can take to heart and depend on: Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners. I'M PROOF - PUBLIC SINNER NUMBER ONE - of someone who could never have made it apart from SHEER MERCY. And now he shows me off - evidence of his endless patience - to those who are right on the edge of trusting him forever.

Deep honor and bright glory
to the King of All Time -
One God, Immortal, Invisible,
ever and always. Oh, yes!

I'm passing this work on to you. The prophetic word that was directed to you prepared us for this. All those prayers are coming together now so you will do this well, fearless in your struggle, keeping a firm grip on your faith and on yourself. After all, this is a fight we're in.

There are some, you know, who by relaxing their grip and thinking anything goes have made a thorough mess of their faith. Hymenaeus and Alexander are two of them, I let them wander off to Satan to be taught a lesson or two about not blaspheming.

Wake up call I snoozed through…

2008-09-18T10:45:00.000-07:00

Before drifting off to sleep on Saturday night I was flooded with a flashback from 3 years ago to the date. It was a wake up call sent by my Creator that I snoozed through. Now, that I have been alone for the past 68 hours He’s been pretty clear that He wants me to share my escape from death. I have only told 4 people of this incident outside of the 3 people that were involved.

Okay, let me preface this story by saying sometimes its even hard for me to communicate the insanity of my actions. When I reflect on how I looked from the inside out during this time I can’t help but think of the phrase “dark and twisty”. I wasn’t a mean bad person in fact I was really cool and sweet but I did hate myself. Which is something I have only realized since the final wake up call that came 2 months later (i.e. crash 2005 you have already read about)…as I was living through it I just thought that I was supposed to drown myself in negativity because of my misinterpretation of who God really was.

Okay, here it goes. I don’t want to get too much into detail about my dysfunctional relationship but there was a boy involved…the sort of kind of one I have mentioned before. The only one that has ever held my attention for longer than a moment prior to this incident. Let’s call him Dudd. Dudd was visiting Nashville from out of town and as I always did, I joined him and his friends for a night of libations on lower broad. (FYI…I had become the ‘bff’ to his best friends helping them in every way I could to move to Nashville and settle in. In retrospect, I believe my assistance was motivated by my want for control of HIS atmosphere whenever he was to visit however I did make two very special friends in the mean time. On this pleasant September night, the whiskey was flowing pretty heavily and I especially took on a taller drink when he was around in hopes of, well, numbing the pain I intentionally subjected myself to (see how bizarre this story is!!!). Anyhow, Dudd ended up picking up a duddette and I was distraught (I put the FUNC in dysfunctional). Dudd’s best friend and I always found a way for me to lose those crazy feelings and it was one shot at a time. We ended up getting ready to go and I was responsibly going to ride home with my ‘friends’. As soon as we shook the duddette and we got in the truck I let Dudd have a piece of my ethanol soaked mind. Then I demanded for them to let me out at my car that I would take my own darn* self home (*there were other odd words but I’ll leave those out). We argued and I insisted. They reluctantly but probably thankfully due to my annoying manners let me out of the truck. I walked up to my car cross-eyed and hazy. Although keyless entry was a luxury I had it seemed to have temporarily left my thoughts and I called my friend who was sleeping to express my concern for not being able to put the key in the hole. Well, I guess I was successful and since the long black veil was draped over my mind at that point I can’t recall. I can only tell you that about 2.5 hours later the veil was removed and I found myself for the first time in the back of a police car. Yes, I had no recollection of what happened from standing at my car until this point. I had on no shoes and the officer is speaking to me.

“Ms. Hembree, if you will call your ‘friends’ to pick you up I will not arrest you.”

That was the first thing I heard. I grabbed my cell phone which was in my lap and I dialed ‘my best friend’ who happened to be Dudd’s best friend too. Dudd answered and the “odd” words flew. The officer still remaining patient asked for my phone to speak with my friend. He told them what had happened and where were located. I looked out the window and there were a total of 4 cars sporting the flashing blue lights about my vehicle on the side of the interstate. One officer was leaning in the window talking to my driver. They were laughing…mainly at me. I didn’t care. I was still pissed but definitely discombobulated about my current situation. He then asked me if I knew what was going on. Looking at the back of his head through the thick Plexiglas I answered no with the sweetest of southern charm I could muster up.

“I found you sitting in the driver seat of your car which was in drive with your foot placed on the break. You were passed out at the wheel and your car was just inches off the side of the interstate.”

Yes, you read that right and as I am typing it I can’t believe that it happened all over again. Thousands of thoughts flood my mind but the main one is HE saved me.

I listened to a sermon on line yesterday. It was about how satan hinders us but one statement that stuck out to me the most was the preacher saying that God gives you obstacles to keep you from hell. He said, “Sometimes you have to climb over walls of prayers to get to the place where you shouldn’t be…in hell.” It reminded me of that night. Of me blowing off this wake up call God had given me and LET ME GO FREE of consequence even though we all know I did not deserve such a gift. A gift of prayers by all those that love me…I had climbed over that wall. He was waiting to see how I would respond to this gift of freedom from consequences HOPING I’m sure that I would change my ways. I didn’t hurt myself, my car or have to pay anyone for my stupidity. And so…as you know I DID not respond how I should have and two months later I endangered others' lives and did suffer severe consequences YET He protected me even then in my extreme disobedience.

Following this flashback on Saturday evening I have spent all my time since then humbly praising Him for ALL that He has saved me from…death, imprisonment, severe embarrassment and I give Him all the glory because He has protected me from judgment of my stupid actions. He waited until I couldn’t be bothered by judgment from others to reveal my mistake. And HE GETS ALL THE GLORY (i.e. my main purpose for living today).

So in closing, I’ll be brief …

Don’t push snooze because the next wake up call you might not live through.

Key Thoughts for Today

2008-09-15T09:45:00.000-07:00

Get comfortable not knowing.

If you're not enjoying your life everything else is WORTHLESS.

amen.

Tears, Peace n Mystery

2008-09-13T20:40:00.000-07:00

Okay, I want to bring you up to speed even though it’s been months since these particular incidents have happened but I get the question all the time “Why didn’t you go?”

June 9th during my quiet time I spent an hour or so crying after reading my daily scripture and devotion. I did not know why my eyes were overflowing with sadness but I felt it deep in my soul. It was an experience that I can’t recall ever feeling before. I shook it off to spend the rest of the day with my friends (both of which I only met while living in South Africa). I have to be honest as they quizzed me about my return that was a little over a month away I felt the words coming out of my mouth were empty. It was so odd to force dialogue of something that I had grown to be so passionate about but I continued on. I begged God every day to only allow His will to be done in my life and if He did not intend for me to leave to let me know.

June 11th I had been planning with my dear friends a benefit to raise money for my time in South Africa. They had met the night before to finalize details and made preparations for the invitation. The entire day prior to this email tears found their way down my cheeks every few minutes. I was perplexed at my sadness. Feeling it so deeply and not having any clue how to address it since the trigger had not revealed itself to me. Although I was involved in the planning, the receipt of the invitation sent me into sobbing. I was at work sitting at a desk with others in the room when I received it. The outburst was hardly appropriate for a business setting and I fled immediately taking my cell phone with me. I called my sister as I have done once or twice before this year when I was out of control emotionally (FYI…these events NEVER happened before my time in South Africa). After a few brief moments she said, “I don’t know if this will help you or not but….the other day and I can’t recall if I was asleep or awake but God told me that you were about to go through a really rough time.” That was the beginning of several ways God spoke to me through people around me about His decision to keep me from leaving the country on July 22nd. It was that phone call that was the turning point for me. It was brought to my attention through our conversation that I had NEVER considered staying in Nashville. Although in the first 6 months of this year I fell more in love with Nashville than I have ever been before I still moved towards South Africa because I BELIEVED that is what God intended for my life at this time.

The next 24 hours were ugly. I cried a lot and prayed a lot and tried to think of every scenario on how I could still make my way to South Africa with this heavy sadness. The following day I finally complied with what God had been speaking to my heart and considered staying in Nashville. Just like that an overwhelming peace came over me. My restlessness had ceased and although my heart was broken in a million pieces about the loss of my mission I was calm. I did however in that time give God two ultimatums in praying about His new news for me.

1. I need my space, Dad…my time is up on this couch. I need SPACE.
2. If this is just a delay in my call to South Africa, I need a FREE place to live without commitment so that I can GO whenever you decide to release me from Nashville.

I know, it’s funny to even me that I gave God ultimatums when really He doesn’t work that way but He loves me enough to have answered my prayers. No less than 18 hours later I received an email from a friend who KNEW of my travel arrangements to SA who had a friend that needed someone to live in their house for the month of August. This house pictured in the email was huge and had a pool, hot tub, and a river in the back yard but most importantly an oversized bed in a room with baby blue walls that was just for me. I laughed uncontrollably at God’s faithfulness because there it was answered prayer #1. Mind you in all this I wasn’t sharing my decision immediately with people. I committed to pray about it for one week before making the final decision. In the mean time I had a meeting with a friend of mine. She was telling me that the friends of theirs that had been tenants in their house had moved out and her and her husband were experiencing empty nest syndrome. With that she looked at me and said, “Zana, you know that you can live with us when you get back from Africa.” My mind said, “how about now?” though I had to process this for 3 days before getting back to her. When I did she said, “God is so funny, we discussed you living with us just last night…not a specific time but in general.” And there was answered prayer #2.

So, you see that I know that it’s God’s will for me to be in Nashville. Each day that comes and goes I struggle with His will. I have realized today that on my bad days I am double minded. Because every moment I seek His will but when I’m sitting in Nashville and seeing the world through my computer of others on missions which in turn makes me want to be in South Africa NOT Nashville. Today, I hate to say that I am not where I want to be because I only want what He wants for me but I want to be somewhere else…

It hurts to have your dreams taken away. I can’t help but believe that He has a bigger dream for me that I cannot comprehend at this moment. He has got to be planning something for me that is worth waiting for in this time of solitary confinement…which is hard…so hard for me since I am made for people and working hard to provide for others. I’m left waiting….waiting on Lord only knows what. I feel it in my soul that He will let me return to mission work…He’s not going to deny me of that. He made my heart. He has told me who to love and how to love him. I just hope and pray that my self doesn’t get in the way during this most uncomfortable time of my life. I would have never dreamed of a life such as mine. One strictly living on the kindness of others not being able to do anything for myself and fully TRUSTING GOD for every meal, every bill, and every need that I have. Now more than ever I am thankful for my friends living on less than a dollar a day in the townships of Cape Town who taught me how to live by prayer alone…believing in God’s provision only for survival.

Clearly, His ways are mysterious. Now, don’t get me wrong…I’ve always loved a good mystery but dang…wish He would pick someone else and leave my story to display His sense of humor.

***********************************************

THIS SONG i listened to everyday riding around in South Africa...it's how i coped...for the first time in a long time i listened to it today and freaked because why in the world did i think this year of my life would be ANYTHING less than awkwardly uncomfortable.

Don't Get Comfortable by Brandon Heath

Comfortable, don't get comfortable.
I am gonna' move this mountain then I'm gonna move you in.

Yesterday, this is not yesterday.
You were standing on my shoulders now; you're standing on the edge.
You've been looking for a sign all this time.

I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna love like you've never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream

This is your new song

So afraid but you don't have to be afraid
Even if you make mistakes
You know that I'll remain
You've been looking for a sign all this time.
If you seek you'll find me every time.

So I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna' love like you've never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream
THIS IS YOUR NEW SONG

NA na na na na na na na nanaaah
NA na na na na na na na nanaaah

Can you feel the call of love?
Is it moving you to be a child of God of love?
Is it reaching you?
It's everywhere the call of love.

I just want to show you what I mean
I just want to love like you've never seen
Do you want to live like you used to dream?
Then I've got a song for you

Cuz I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna' love like you've never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream
This is your new song

NA na na na na na na na nanaaah

You've got a NEW SONG

NA na na na na na na na nanaaah

hard time with words...

2008-09-01T16:54:00.000-07:00

I know I have neglected the blog since I updated you on my change of direction. Honestly, I'm at a loss for words...but I believe this video is the best way i can express myself today...especially the intro to the song. The Avetts are my fav...i'd give everything i own (which all fits in my corolla) to be the girl in the middle. Enjoy!

I promise, i'll have more for you real soon...lemme get my tongue untied.

Hearing from God what I don't want to hear

2008-06-26T20:24:00.000-07:00

Walking with God is an unpredictable and mysterious journey. There are things about hearing from God that I hardly understand and can't begin to explain. But as my life unfolds before me, God continues to show me what to do next.

Here's what I know for sure, God led me away from Nashville to South Africa. As I came home and began to sort out what life would be I sought Him constantly—all roads led back to Cape Town. Over the past few months I have planned toward it, prayed toward it, and moved toward it. Always seeking God, I've moved through doors He's opened wide and stood still at closed doors waiting to see how He'd lead me to the next.

Today, I am certain, that God is closing the door to South Africa. My return to Cape Town is on hold. I'm not sure when I'll return and in what capacity. God has done an outrageous work in my heart and life and put a love for Africa in me that's in my marrow. I can't get away from it anymore than I can get away from myself. But He is far wiser than me, and for reasons that become clearer every day, I need to sit tight.

Do I understand this. Not entirely.
Do I feel like a crazy person? Yes, at moments.
Do I fear that you all who have supported me will think I'm a flake? Yes.
Do I know what's next. No. So if you ask me, I will say "No."

I've been in shock/denial about what God's saying, but I know for sure that I need to listen and wait. There are lots of things that are unsolved in my heart so pray for me as I work through them. I'm in God's hands which is the best place I could be.

z

"Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day." -Rainer Maria Rilke

A Calling Only Answered with Your Help

2008-05-27T19:56:00.000-07:00

“You can give without loving, but you can’t love unless you give.”

The more I meet new people the more I share my journey because the question always arises as to “Why would you?”

To follow a feeling that you’re compelled by seems to be a rarity. Most of us are held in place by fear of various things…failure, rejection, performance, loss…however it seems that to me fear is motivating me in the direction of my calling. I’m afraid of NOT fulfilling my purpose here on earth so in an effort to do what is intended for my life I am moving back to South Africa.

My heart is swollen for a greater cause to be a small part of the fight for a better life for children in South Africa. I long for them to have hope and joy in their lives…that they will desire to have a place in this world where they are respected and feel the weight of God’s purpose in creating them. Each child (though there are more and more every day because having babies is the no. 1 hobby in South Africa) is a blessing.

Although my skills are minimal I have a vision to do all that I can to help advance the better opportunities for those children. My calling to South Africa is unique as well as the ability to answer the call. I have to depend on so many people to believe in what I feel is right for me in this time in my life. This is completely opposite of the American way. We are trained from birth to be able to survive on our own. Unfortunately & fortunately, I can’t follow in this way. Its unfortunate because sometimes I feel my dependence on people around me slows down the process HOWEVER I have learned a greater lesson that makes my dependence the most FORTUNATE thing. Dependency on you allows for us to develop the most intimate and rare relationship. Your motivation to support my calling is empowering and humbling. I seek to be successful not only to fulfill my purpose but to show you I am thankful for your sacrifice.

All this to say I am forever grateful for every last one of you that has decided to be a part of the work in South Africa.

“I thank God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of that, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:3-6

Thank you to my already long list of supporters for being faithful:

Bobby Hembree
Glenda Hembree
Raquel & David Sparkman
Regina & Roger Shipley
Ava Nell Hyde
Martha & Jerry Don Hill
LeAnn Hill
Wade Hill
Rita & Brian Culbreath
Vicki & Ronnie Shipley
Cindy & Jeff Holsclaw
Jill & Kirk Smith
Katrina Smith
Fred & Billie Hembree
Joey & Gail Hembree
David Hembree
Leah Todd
Audrey & Nate Ragan
Amy Jacobs
Carolyn Wood
Mary Howard
Sherry Glen
Jada & Charles Hosey
Sue & Mike Cochran
Meme Strickland
Jillian Poris
Amanda Mills
Roxann Woodward
Brenda & Chuck Mead
Sally & Brad Bissell
Mary & Paul Lohr
Gina Keltner
Terri Cotton
Sandra Vandegriff
Michelle Hunter
Terry Hunter
Steve Gilreath
Jo Walker
Heather & Brian Richardson
Sharon & Dennis Gros
Robin & Matt Baldree
Lesli Crawford
Larry Gatlin
Tom Manners
Diane Gillespie
Allison Claunch Legg
Myra Withers
Michelle Forsythe
West Hartselle Bapt Church
WHBC WMU
Ginger Nolan
Cherry Norris
Deloice Sanford
Judy Slate
Chris Richards
Dawn McCoy
Katie Haskell
Rolling Hills Community Church
Ethan Nokes
Edie Hoback
Carolyn Prince
Mary Paul Hendry
Grace Roan
Maxine Hall
Sally & Scott Franks
Lee Jones
Stephanie Kendrick
Shannon McCaig
B.D. McKelvey
New Frontier Management
Sweet Anonymous One who provided my mac

As you can see I have had a lot of people support me along the way. I am still on this journey and will be in South Africa for 9 months. I will be responsible for coming up with funds to do the work that I am called there to do in addition to the list of expenses. I ask that you consider being a part of the fight for social justice for the children and youth in South Africa. This is my passion and when you support me its as though you’re there with me…being a part of the bigger plan. Thank you for opening your heart and joining me for a greater cause.

If you are interested in giving on line please go to https://www.rollinghillscommunity.org/giving/form/ where they have my mission fund account set up. You must reference Zana / South Africa in description text box.

Learning How to Die...

2008-05-22T08:54:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna miss you,
I'm gonna miss you when you're gone
She says, I, love you,
I'm gonna miss hearing your songs

And I said, Please,
Don't talk about the end,
Don't talk about how every living thing
Goes away
She said, Friend, all along
Thought I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry

But really
I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die

Hey everyone
I've got nowhere to go
The grave is lazy
He takes our bodies slow

And I said Please,
Don't talk about the end,
Don't talk about how every living thing
Goes away
She said, Friend
All along
Thought I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to laugh not how to cry But really, I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die, die, die
I've been learning how to die

by jon foreman

*******************************************

this song has taken over my every thought this week. its painful to learn how to die over and over again. however as fitting as it may be my quiet time this morn was about Jesus being the Ransom for Many and asked that i give my life for others since He gave his for me. and so i embrace it another day...

Motivation

2008-05-14T07:08:00.000-07:00

Motivation is hard when the goal is extreme. Moving to a foreign country to VOLUNTEER (which means I have to rely on you, my friends and family that are fortunate enough to have paychecks to help me) hardly seems reasonable however I use pictures and a certain passage (along with several others) to keep moving in the right direction. I read this pretty much all the time...had to read it over and over again this weekend.

This particular note was found in an office of a young pastor in Zimbabwe.

"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made - I'm a disciple of his. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I'm finished and done with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean in his presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer and I labor with power.

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way rough, my companions are few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the enemy, pander at the pool of popularity OR meander in the maze of medocrity.

I WON'T GIVE UP, SHUT UP, LET UP, UNTIL I HAVE STAYED UP, STORED UP, PRAYED UP, PAID UP, PREACHED UP FOR THE CAUSE OF CHRIST. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till he comes, give till I drop, preach till all know and work till he stops me. And, when he comes for his own, he will have NO problem recognizing me...my banner will be clear!"

********************

and when i look at all these faces i think how could i say no to going back.

Singleness

2008-05-01T14:18:00.001-07:00

Ew, such a dirty word…or is it?

So many times I have wanted to write about this part of my walk. Although many of you have commented about my willingness to be vulnerable I have yet to let my guard down in this particular subject matter. Why? Often it seems taboo in our society to be single…not to mention that discussion will reveal the most intimate details of my heart.

Yesterday was an incredible day for me. In the midst of it I was enjoying the melodies of one Neil Young and come across a song that caught my attention. “When God Made Me,” describes Neil’s thoughts on what God was thinking with he created the world and Neil himself. This led me to thoughts of my creation and the world around me. When He made me did he intend for me to travel through this journey the way I have haphazardly jumped, skipped, slid and crawled through my 29 years of life? When He created me did He have a young gentleman in mind? Did He know that I would be so romantically challenged? Did He know that at this time in my life I would come to a crossroads of the desire He has given me and His job for me to do and be torn completely into by my want for simplicity (which is not simple at all but this is how I perceived it).

Up until last year I never thought of marriage realistically. I have only had one sort of kind of boyfriend and even after falling head over heels for him I never thought, “This is the one I want to marry.” Which should have been a red flag but that’s a whole other chapter. My adventure to South Africa ignited something in me that I had never experienced before. I’m pretty sure that the walls that were built around my heart housed this desire keeping me from fully tappin into it. I believe that when God destroyed those walls and allowed me to love in His fullness with my whole heart that the desire to be a wife and mother became overwhelming to me. I didn’t know what to do with this. Think about it, my whole life I spent running from being trapped in a situation similar to the one I grew up in…it was hardly attractive and even disgusting to me that marriage be a part of my life. And now, that I am completely aware that being single is one of my strongest components of ministry due to my ability to roam about this globe freely I WANT those limitations.

I’ll admit that once the Lord spoke to me in this way while in Africa I was excited. I thought that His rewards would be instant and that I had it all figured out. I took the blessing He gave me and I made it into my idea of a picture perfect story. I think that was the most painful lesson of all. I took His gift and abused it…running off in my own direction and justifying it by knowing that I was walking with God. I missed the whole point of His blessing. Forgetting the main thing that we learn in giving our life to God is His timing is perfect. He may very well have intended for me to begin persevering and praying through all of that which is marriage because such a gift needs constant prayer but I was over zealous.

I can’t tell you HOW HARD it is to admit this. To admit that what I thought God was doing in my life is not true immediately. Now at this time, I am getting ready to leave for Africa in 3 months I have in my head that it’s taking a step away from my heart’s desire. This is wrong. I feel so selfish and hypocritical for all I do everyday is talk to friends and family about the eternal life…thy kingdom come. How giving God glory is our purpose for existence…not fulfilling desires.

This incredibly awkward confession has been triggered by reading about singleness from John Piper. I would like to share a couple of things from it with you that spoke volumes to me:

“The point is this: singleness has been a noble and courageous path for ministry ever since Jesus and the Apostle Paul chose it “because of the kingdom of heaven.” It is no sign of weakness to want to be married. It is normal and it is good. The courage comes when you sense God calling you to singleness (for this chapter of your life) and you accept the call with zeal and creative planning for His glory.”

Margaret Clarkson is quoted by John Piper as well.

“First, Genesis 2:18 was a statement about man before the fall. Perhaps if there had been no fall, there would have been no singleness….For example, I may not blame my singleness on God. Singleness, like suffering, death and all else that is less than perfect in this world, was not God’s original plan for his creation. It was one of the many results of man’s fall.”

Reading Margaret’s words today made me think of Neil’s words yesterday. How I contemplated God creating me and what He intended for my life. Honestly, with this thought brought some conviction in how I have lived up to this point. How God probably had beautiful, extravagant things in mind at a much earlier age but I chose this way. This also makes even MORE thankful for His redemption in all the poor decisions I make. How He took my less-than-adequate attempt at living my life and turned it around to be one full of adventure and excitement. How He showed me there is so much more to my existence than the check box next to marital status on any form. It’s liberating to even get a glimpse of what He has tried so hard to tell me for so long. Yes, He wants me to be married but it’s time for His work and all that will come later. Especially since I am not interested in dating at all, my husband is already mine in the spiritual realm its all a matter of our steps being in sync to God’s plan and looking up one day to realize His intention for our ministries to come together FOR HIS GLORY. And I said Amen. and AMEN.

surprise this morn from down south

2008-04-30T06:16:00.000-07:00

this video is taken during snack time at kids club in Red Hill. These children live in the community I told you about earlier this year that 95% of it was burned down due to someone starting a fire. The truth about this snack time is...well, it may be the only meal a child gets each day. These children are so loyal to coming...its hopeful to think they come to hear about unconditional love from our Father but pretty sure its the watered down juice and egg salad sandwiches that keep them coming back. However, no matter what gets them there...it's a blessing to be in their presence. and as you can see...they miss me!

He's gonna bring it...

2008-04-29T05:35:00.000-07:00

one of the many phenomenal performances at the Dove Awards. it's no secret...i cried (at the live performance and even after watching the tube...).

i look forward to home...

(ps jon foreman = amazing)

April Showers

2008-04-28T08:12:00.000-07:00

It’s hard for me to believe that April is over. I never imagined that time could fly by so quickly while waiting on big events in my life. I return to South Africa in 3 months. 3 months that by looking at my calendar this morning are going to fly by as well because there is so much to be done before I leave again. Before getting in to all the talk of me leaving the country again I want to share with you how God has showered my life with blessing in the month of April.

1. April 1st was the date Kate and I had set to make our flight arrangements. We had made this goal because I was sick of being frustrated with life in Nashville and God being silent in the “you go back to Africa” department. I knew we had to make a step of faith in order for God to begin working his magic in providing the way. Kate was fortunate enough to have stacked up enough airline miles to go to Cape Town without having to pay an arm and a leg. I on the other hand had decided to charge my flight in an effort to show God that I am serious about His call back to Africa and trusting that He would provide the finances to pay it off immediately (fyi…I do NOT like to charge anything but felt this situation only appropriate).

Kate and I went to fido with our macs with plans of booking our flights. We order a little cup of energy or actually a BIG cup of energy and some snacks and settle in to make our way back to Africa. The oddest thing happened to me while we were getting settled in. A man say about 60ish was watching me fill up at the coffee station and when I walked by he grabbed my arm and said excuse me. I stopped in front of him as he asked me if I was passing through Nashville. This was the second time in a week that I had a stranger ask me if I was a visitor in Nashville and it made me wonder if the Violent Femmes tee and hat I was sporting made me appear to be a tourist. I said “No sir, I have called Nashville home for almost 7 years however I moved to South Africa last year and today we are booking returning flights to South Africa to live for a short time so…” He interrupted and said “so, you’re a visitor in your own home.” His comment made the grin on my face grow even bigger and I said “yes sir, I guess so.” We exchanged names and he wished me luck and that was the end of our conversation. Honestly, I believe God had to send this awkward stranger to remind me of my purpose at this time in my life. I’m only a visitor in my own home.

Anyhow, Kate and I were not able to make our flight arrangements that day due to a couple of small details so we postponed it until Kate could get more info about her miles and I well I would just wait on her. Kate called me the day after she left. She said, “Rula, I’ve got news for you. I have enough miles to purchase TWO round trips to Cape Town from Chicago. If you can reimburse me $1500 I can book your flight.” This solved so many questions for us. We wanted to fly together but the ability for us to book together when I was on a slim slim budget and she would only be able to fly one particular airline was a daunting task that felt impossible. Now we had no worries of not getting to travel together. Quickly I said OF COURSE! Although I knew I had no where near $1500 to give Kate…I was confident in that God would bring it though I couldn't fathom Him moving in the speed that He did.

The next evening I called my best friend from college Heather to tell her of my arrival time the next day to celebrate the anniversary of her birth. During our conversation she said “Zana, Brian and I have been praying about it and we want to give you $1500 to go towards your trip to South Africa.” I was speechless. FLOORED. Heather and I had hardly talked about details of my trip to South Africa AND she had no idea of what had happened the day before. I knew right then and there that God was the ONLY one that could piece together such a bizarre but perfect provision for me to go back to South Africa.

One last small detail…I live in Nashville and Kate in Chicago. So, I asked Kate how that would work for our departure and flights. She suggested that I just get a cheap southwest flight to Chicago and fly with her from there. I thought to myself, Okay…I can handle that though little did I know God didn’t want me to do it on my own. I called my angel Sarah that day to tell her of the good news about the flight back to SA. As I finished my rendition of how God brought it yet again she said, “I want to take care of your flight to Chicago. Let me do it.”

And there you go! God has out did himself again with providing a way for me to get back to the work He has called me to do. Today, as I write this Kate is booking the flight.

2. Maggie Belle is the new addition to our family. When I returned to the states in December I thought that I would be going back to Cape Town in April or May and then I was informed of my nephew’s baby’s due date. Maggie Belle was to be born on April 18th. I knew then that I could hardly leave before and anywhere after her birth. She was born on Friday, April 18th at 6:52am. I was fortunate enough to be there. It was overwhelming. It has been 9 years since my niece Scarlett was born and I have to be honest that I didn’t remember how emotional such an event could be. I also believe that my heart is so different from then that now I could see so much more beauty and sovereignty in the birth of a new family member. Maggie Belle is beautiful. She was healthy and perfect and she is such a blessing to our family. I spend time everyday praying for her life. That God would guide and protect her everyday. That she would long to know God more and more even in her early years. I pray that Jesus would become her best friend. I have even prayed for the man that will one day be her husband. I tell you…when I think of leaving the country and although it will only be for nine months I will have a hard time dealing with the fact that I won’t be here for Maggie Belle’s first Thanksgiving, Christmas…her first crawl, scoot or step…her first tooth. Though I do plan to be back just in time for her first birthday and I hope and pray that I will not be leaving my great niece for a long a period of time as 9 months ever again. I am so proud of my nephew Tyler and his wife Jessie. That they have been called to be parents and they are embracing it as they learn more about how God is good in all things and will provide for them in every situation regardless of the circumstances.

3. 39th GMA Dove Awards is what occupied most of my time in the month of April. Although I refer to this as a job it was hardly work. I was so blessed with a team full of bright, beautiful, God-loving people that know how to work hard when it’s time to get a job done and do it well and know how to have a good time and laugh with the fullest of joy until our sides hurt. It was an amazing blessing to be a part of this show. I have so many details to share about this though I feel a separate blog coming out of it. God has been so intentional in constantly speaking to the hurt and healing that He started in Africa even now that it’s overwhelming. I am so thankful for the opportunity to work on this show. I have made some really wonderful friendships that are truly divine. Thank you Jesus.

4. My brother Zak is a wonderful husband, father, brother and son. He had a massive heart attack last Wednesday. I only heard of this on Thurs during my work lunch and left immediately to drive to see him. He hadn’t seen Zak in a year but had recently talked to him on the phone for the first time since my return. Zak’s experience is one that had God’s fingerprints all over it. Zak even remembers going into cardiac arrest once arriving at the hospital. Though he lived. God has more for Zak to do in this world and I believe Zak’s story is one that will and needs to be told over and over again. When I got to the hospital to see my brother, it was a spiritual experience. He had been moved to a PCU room and we were alone. I truly felt the presence of the Lord has we spoke of how God has been faithful in both our journeys. We have something in common that not everyone does. Our near death experiences have given us an intimacy with God that only tragedy brings. It also brings us closer together. As I prayed with Zak before leaving that day all I could do is praise God for saving him. He has two young boys and they need their dad, his wife needs her husband and I…I need my brother. God spoke to me that day through Zak’s words. He may not realize it but he was part of a life long answered prayer lying on that bed a day after his heart stopped. His words soothed a longing in my heart and soul…He spoke directly to the 7 yr old that lives in this 29 yr old body who has been waiting a life time to hear words of acceptance and encouragement and adoration. The best support system of family and friends in the world could never answer this request but God answered it in a very special way through a man who could be mistaken for my own father in his earlier years. Not only I am forever thankful to God for my brother’s life but for His faithfulness in never forgetting what my heart needs.

So, new birth and near death and miracles from God…it is the ebb and flow of existence. Our journeys are so unique. April showers have made me understand more about God and how He is in control of every thing. Also, that God is IN every thing. He is everywhere…not just in Africa. It’s as though He wiped the mud from my eyes as I entered back into this society. Before I hardly grasped the concept of Him being in EVERY thing here in the States. We have so many distractions, we are stuck in independent mode and rely on our skill set and bank accounts. Now, that I have lived here for 4 months and only relying on God to provide for my bank account and opportunities that fit my skill set perfectly I can see clearly now. He is in every one’s existence. Nothing is coincidence. He places us in a path and people cross back and forth through our path and we all experience a little God every day through each other. I never thought that I would experience such a blessing in this time in my life. I am truly blessed regardless of necessities that I lack. I know this is a long blog and I hope you have read it all…please be encouraged and make sure you take the time to notice God in your life. He’s there…I promise.

"Earth's crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God,
But only he who sees takes off his shoes;
The rest sit and pluck blackberries."

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

(two reasons this quote is comical to me...1. post africa i take my shoes off everywhere i go...church, work, restaurants...it's weird that i am more comfortable without them and its something i don't even realize i am doing. 2. e'eryone's got a blackberry...well ALMOST e'eryone)

P.S.

2008-04-06T18:39:00.000-07:00

so much has happened in the month of March i have hardly had time to update you. i am working on it...so be prepared to be overwhelmed with info in april.

THANK YOU to the many many folks that have commented about being fans of my blog. seriously, your encouragement is appreciated tremendously.

Irony

2008-04-06T18:21:00.000-07:00

A little girl was born into a family of four. Her parents with striking good looks and two older sisters that were adored by all they encountered. The new addition to the family was exciting but it was about the same time as her arrival that an evil made its debut in this handsome family. The evil was uninvited and there was no one to blame for its uncontrollable destruction of hearts. Pain began to change each and every family member in different ways. The newest addition grew up only knowing her family with the evil alongside them. She longed to be a normal little girl with normal little feelings but the evil caused silence to choke all longings for attention. So she didn’t speak. She didn’t ever say what she felt and even when she did speak it was only what she thought everyone wanted to hear in an effort to refrain from waking the evil.

This story is part of my life. My family and I joke that I didn’t speak until I was 8 years old. This exaggeration only holds a little truth because I began speaking at the normal time but was always a very quiet child. The irony is…you see, this past month of my life I have spent most all of my time talking…talking to all kinds of people and friends…meeting for breakfast, lunch and dinner…with coffee in between…talking. My words have been spoken and written and read by more people than I will ever know. God spoke to me last Monday as I was leaving to go meet yet another good friend for coffee. I was weary because I had stayed up talking until 2am with some new friends the night before about God, tattoos, cigars and church camp. Honestly, I was praying to God for rest…a break from meetings with friends because although I loved seeing them it was wearing me out (along with my bank account). He encouraged me to wake up for this was the very reason He has me in Nashville at this time.

To talk.

To tell all that I can about who I was, where I have been, where I am going and who I am now and how He was the reason for the who, what, when and where…and especially the HOW in all that I am. So I realized that although some people get jobs at Starbucks and me? The little one who has been orally challenged most of her 29 years…

Well, He says “Zana, you’re job is to talk.”

Ugly Relapse

2008-03-03T09:26:00.000-08:00

It happened. Relapse…an ugly relapse. Now, if any of you are familiar with this word you know that it’s not a fun one to experience. I am the first to admit that I am probably the weakest person I know. You can see by my last entry that God has really been breaking me down. Week before last God and I had it out when He did indeed reveal truth to me that was PAINFUL mainly because I am full of pride but also because I was wrong. Nobody likes to admit to being wrong about something. However, I learned a great deal through what He revealed about myself and how I should change the way I live my life. I am no stranger to pain and certainly have to focus on the lessons learned with each new obstacle in an effort to handle the overwhelming emotion. (Emotion that I am not used to since before Africa I had ALWAYS worn a mask and never allowed myself to mourn or rejoice to the fullest…that has changed and it caught me by surprise hence the blog that communicates depression.)

Yesterday morning I woke up early…couldn’t sleep so I watched the clouds roll by for 2 hours before I had a chance to talk to my friend. I admitted to knowing that God wanted me to move back to South Africa but I was ashamed in how far off track I had gotten. How did I lose my way? I wasn’t really sure except that it is a slow process that happens with each choice of action that you don’t realize is headed in the off beaten path. I would speak the truth that God had laid on my heart but TRIED to figure out a way in my head to go in an opposite direction. I had relapsed in becoming EXACTLY what I did not want to get back to in returning to the States. Its no one’s fault but my own. I became self-absorbed in this time while being so uncomfortable and in pain over the discomfort of trying to fit my misshaped heart back into this world…I conformed in the wrong direction. Forgetting how God taught me to rely on Him for EVERYTHING. There is nothing that I can do or say or be without Him.

I get to church yesterday and the first words spoken were “Do you wonder how you got where you are? How you intended to be in one place and ended up in a completely different direction?” I wanted to scream. I felt the urgency that David felt when he was saying in Psalm 139:7-12 (The Message)

“Is there any place I can go to avoid your Spirit?
To be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you’re there!
If I go underground, you’re there!
If I flew on mornings wings
To the far western horizon,
You’d find me in a minute –
You’re already there waiting!”

I can relate to how David must have felt. Like he couldn’t do ANYTHING without God being right there! How he must have been annoyed by this…He’s always watching and being…even when we want to do our own thing. Which is what I wanted…I know God’s plan for me. But I wanted to do it MY WAY. Uh hmmm…it doesn’t work that way. And after ALL the train wrecks I have been a part of (or caused rather) in my own life you would think I would learn that. I have discovered that I am one of the most stubborn people I know. I mean, how many of you have had to have a near death experience to get God’s cue on “you should really stay away from this person…”, huh?

Yes, stubborn I am. But I’m learning about this fun quality and trying my best to begin to change my direction before interacting with the grim reaper again. God has been very faithful to me answering prayers and guiding the way before I endanger myself. But it wasn’t until this weekend that I said, okay God…I’ll go your way and forget mine. Especially since I was in the midst of my disobedience and KNEW exactly what He was telling me. That’s how evident it was to me. Can I just tell you that when I say God has answered prayers it doesn’t mean that I am full of joy by receiving the answers? I am grateful for His faithfulness but most of the recent answers have been hardly in my favor.

I am reminded of what it’s all about which is His glory being shown in my life. He has been so persistent in pursuing me and speaking to me in different ways through friends, sending angels, etc. and I have finally given in. For example, one of the emails I received last week was from a friend. She sent me a poem she had written that blew me away. Why? Because I have such a hard time understanding the power of what God is doing through me. However, it’s perfect timing helped me to know God was still there. After I told her the significance of what God was saying through her she then admitted, “I have struggled with my life and spirituality since I was young and have been closed off from God.  But when I started reading your blogs I felt a reawakening in me - you are just as much a vessel of God speaking to me as I am to you!!  Amazing, huh?”

Here is what she wrote:

Zana  

there's something about Z
that makes the truth want to be told
a direct connection 
that fades the insignificant
wise beyond her knowledge 
in her eyes the journey 
strong beyond her grasp
in her heart the reward 
burdened by task 
anointed in love

I was so humbled by her words. A friend that I had only hung out with 2 or 3 times before in my life wrote this about me. And even though I had become so discombobulated in my own ways God was still there speaking to me through an very unexpected way.

I need your help. I feel very overwhelmed in knowing that I will leave the country again this summer. It is hard to live there and even harder wrapping my mind around the finances. Please begin to pray that God will move mountains, burn bushes and part seas to make my way back to South Africa. I can’t afford it though I plan to buy my plane ticket in the next couple of weeks because I have to make that step to be obedient. I am beginning to recruit an administration team here in Nashville to assist with all that needs to be done with my support. Just pray…because I am so weak…and I know how much I LOVE being in South Africa and that I am supposed to be there but I struggle so with the unknown and thought of leaving my loved ones.

PS relapse no matter how ugly…I was reminded this weekend that you can’t do anything to mess up God’s plans for your life…yes, you can detour them by your sin…but never change them. Jeremiah 29:11

It keeps beating...

2008-02-24T18:45:00.000-08:00

It keeps beating…
Awoken to its miserable thump
Ache overtaking its warm red sea

It keeps beating…
Sorrow traveling through and through
Overcoming its delicate vessel

It keeps beating…
The rushing blue rivers merge
Fighting to wash the torture away

It keeps beating…
With a master of its own
The pain increasing with each throb

It keeps beating…
Louder and louder
Over intense prayers for silence

It keeps beating…
Desires for throbbing to stop
The beating to halt

It keeps beating…
He massages the scars
Causing anguish to dig deep into its flesh

It keeps beating…
Gentle motion begins to suppress it
Releasing tranquility

It keeps beating…
The violent thumps slow
Peaceful rhythm hums

It keeps beating…

He chose ME.

2008-02-21T09:08:00.000-08:00

Words, Expectations, Ideas, Opinions, Thoughts, Timelines, Normalcy, Deadlines, Obligations…

Every morning I wake up to all of these things piled on my chest. Sometimes I am able to overcome the weight of it all to raise my weary head so that I can flip open the Word to refuel with strength, wisdom and TRUTH. The simple facts of eternity often destroy the heavy stack of worries stealing my breath. However, sometimes I’m so overwhelmed that it takes a lot more than a quiet time to kill the demons of society.

I know I talk about this a lot but this time in my life is so awkward (word of the week, right ash). It’s an in between time that doesn’t allow me to live like a normal person. I am asked at least 3 times a day about my return to South Africa. I say July because that is what I “think” may happen. But who really knows? Everything = uncertainty
EVERYTHING. Currently I’m having a VERY had time hanging on to the vision God gave me about returning to South Africa. Flights are expensive $$$$. Going alone is a completely different adventure and personally I don’t wanna…but its not up to me.

Then there’s comments that are made like “you can help from here…do they really need you? What’s so urgent in south Africa?”

I ponder these things. Ask God all these questions and follow them with:

WHY ME?
Why do I have to take this road of the unknown?
Why can’t I just lead a community group instead?
Why do I have to have impossible task of applying for visas, purchasing outrageous plane tickets I can’t afford and storing the most comfortable bed in a garage a state away…WHY?

This morning I felt all these things. I check my email and have 3 emails from south Africa. One of which caused my eyes to overflow with liquid answers. A friend that I met in the very last week of being in south Africa emailed me to say “Get here quickly so that we can have our talks” and also mentioned waiting patiently on God in an area of her life. Before I met her I was told she was damaged, running from God, hurt, conniving and resentful. I spent one weekend with her (after meeting coincidently…ha, there are no coincidental meetings really…God schedules all happenstances and we can joke about how random it was to see that person and talk to them but really God planned it all.) and now two months later she sends me an email displaying FRUIT in her life.

He chose ME! Why is it so hard for me to grasp the idea that God chose me to be his arms in embracing her…showing her He loves her so much He sent me to Cape Town for months (which her mother claims is the main reason He sent me in the first place). The day I left the country her mother came over to our flat. When I greeted her the first words out of her mouth were “What did you do to my daughter?” She explained how she had seen an immediate change in her (not to mention that this was the first time she had come home to see her mother in years). Her excitement in reading the book I gave her spontaneously per my Father’s orders and opening up in a way she hadn’t in years. Her mother cried to me and told me that because of my God story her daughter had been changed.

PRAISE GOD for making beautiful things out of my miserable, ugly, broken, desperate life I lived before He rescued me. Because of all the pain and suffering I was able to be a part of God’s true love for her by just being there.

He chose ME to go back. I don’t know why exactly and I don’t know when and I sure as heck don’t know HOW…but I know that I am. I have been called to go back to shine God’s love into the lives of people in South Africa…and for some reason unknown to me He wants to use this tall, freckly, baby-blue eyed almost 29 and feelin fine, Alabama born and raised brunette of a vessel to go and LOVE a little more.

In the meantime, I know God has me here for specific reasons…relationships, sharing His love, spreading the truth of what’s going on across the pond…all of which I know these experiences will play into what I will be faced with upon my return. So, you’ll be glad to know even though I woke up thinking I was giving it all up to settle down…He won’t let me.

What has He chosen YOU to do? Why are you ignoring Him? He'll take care of the details. You have no idea what kind of blessings He has in store for you if you'll just say okay. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

***************************************************************

Just wanted to leave you with these two things I pulled from sermon notes…listened to the podcast this morn from RHCC…awesome job, BH.

So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (The Message)

“Define yourself as someone who’s just radically loved by God. That’s your true identity; every other identity is just an illusion.” Mike Breaux, Identity Theft

Faith or Fairytale

2008-02-12T08:39:00.000-08:00

On this beautiful Sunday morning I sit in a filming studio where God has provided a way for me to make some money to live off of until my next opportunity. Since I will miss my usual church service I decided to take advantage of my free moments to read about faith. I read about how our God is intangible and as humans we are not able to literally grasp the intensity of His existence because of our need for proof...proof that we would like to see and physically hold onto. Our faith is so challenged by the ways of the world and the only thing we can hold in our hands is His Word.

I have been on an interesting journey (still in the throws of it) with a particular matter of my heart. Although, it makes no sense to me or anyone around me I continue to walk by faith. This walk leads to a goal that seems fiction and so fairytale-like in my mind. The struggle between common sense, human nature and even biblical lessons constantly collides with what God continues to lead me to do. Honestly, I can’t explain it yet it seems so real and I think I have gone completely mad at times for believing it. I ask repeatedly for tangible proof to back up His prompting to act on something I can not see…rarely do I receive fulfillment of my request.

I want to give up though I know His plan is worth it. I’m tired. This walking by faith towards something that seems so impossible has drained me. Every time I feel like progress has been made and I’m on the verge of seeing God reveal His truth in the situation I get knocked down by doubt and fear. When I’m down I question ALL that God has done in my life…thinking I have created this fairytale by my own means and contemplate my sanity.

I do my best to rest in His promises and ask that He rids me of this unreal journey so I don’t have to feel uncomfortable which leads to being in a hot seat for potential failure and rejection with everyone watching. However, His persistence in reminding me that the easy way leads to a life of mediocrity…and He wants my life to sizzle. Me too! I want my life to sizzle, heck, we all want our lives to be sizzlers. But unfortunately what we want more than a life of excitement and spontaneity is safety. We keep our actions safe to avoid failure and rejection and at the same time safety keeps our lives mediocre.

So, I guess what I’m trying my best to do this week is finding safety in Him. Only acting on what I feel like is His voice calling me to do. If my motives are in Him the pain of failure and rejection can’t touch me. Obedience is so much more important that what makes sense to my feeble human mind.

Faith or Fairytale…I don’t think I’ll know for some time…it may not even be revealed until I am able to look back at the occurrences in my walk but I can tell you that I am going to try my best to continue to walk in this way until He reveals otherwise and pray that as He gives me a pure heart the truth will be revealed.

************************************************************************************

"When we know we are loved for ourselves and not just our accomplishments or performance, we no longer need to fear failure. We realized that failing at something does not make us a failure at everything. We are free to explore and find out what we are best suited for. We are free to find our own niche in life, which is not possible without stepping out and finding out. Trial and error is the road to success. We can fail forward."

PLEASE PRAY

2008-02-08T14:00:00.000-08:00

(pics of red hill)

my heart is broken...i just got this email from my friend an incredible guy who has committed his life to making a difference in Red Hill. Please pray...

"Hey Guys!!
I bring some bad news for you today. We have had several fires in the area of simonstown spreading to ocean view and that includes Redhill. Redhill has managed to escape these forest fires for the past few days and two weeks, but today almost half of the shacks of Redhill burnt down. They dont know the cause of the fires yet but they suspect its somebody did it. Most of Redhill's people had to evacuate their homes today. Since they dont know if the fire would spark again. They have all been shifted to a Hall a few km away. Zoleka's house almost burnt down but God's hand was upon it greatly. Cyabonga's house and most of the lower part of Redhill have burnt down. The fire is now working its way to the Top.
Thank God though that there has been no injuries or deaths that I know of.
I write this letter cause I know that there are a few friends in my life that I can count on to stand with me before God in this desperate time. You are that friends for me. Thank you for being there."

i appreciate all of you who are committed to reading about my journey and willing to join me in prayer for some very special people.

A hard place to be...

2008-01-29T06:48:00.000-08:00

I have to say that it’s easier to be in a place where you know God has called you and be challenged on a daily basis. While in South Africa, although there were blessings sprinkled throughout my days, I had obstacles that I had to overcome everyday. The differences in culture, business communication, insecurities about my performance in the business setting since I felt like a fish out of water (these are only a few since I won’t even get into ALL that was going on in my heart). You often didn’t get to hear about the days that I spent locked up in my room, my face wrinkled with an ugly frown due to discomfort of the place I was in. The one thing that saved me every time was that I knew that God put me there for a reason. He had provided in miraculous ways for me to be in that very spot, Long Beach Village Flat #117 (or #1 since the other numbers had fell off and was never replaced) in Noordhoek on the southern peninsula of Cape Town, South Africa. It was a huge help to endure the undesirables.

Upon my return, well, I was excited to get back to Nashville. I had expectations in my head of what my new life would look like since I had found a new Z while living in a foreign culture, as well as reuniting with people that I had longed for so during my trip that sometimes it hurt. Physically hurt…

Looking back now, I think it’s funny how optimistic I was about my return because I left South Africa knowing that God was going to bring me back. So, why would I be comfortable in a place where I knew it would only be temporary? He’s not going to allow me to get comfortable which is something that I have to pray about accepting. Acceptance of A LOT of different things has been my main prayer for the past couple of weeks. Unfortunately, I have to admit that my expectations of life in Nashville has caused most of my pain since being back. Expectations that I SAID I wasn’t setting up for myself to those around me in South Africa when departing but in my mind I was like “yeah, but this and this is going to happen….and then this will occur….and then I’ll get to come back to this place I love…and everything will be AMAZING!”

Uggh, I hate to even admit it but it’s true. SO, I’ve learned yet again another huge lesson. Really, sometimes I wonder and even ask God “When will the lessons stop?” Or at least that he would give me a break in between the HUGE ones so I can collect the pieces (although we forget its HIS job to collect the pieces).

If you are wondering, I’m still in limbo about work. God is definitely providing odd end opportunities for me to collect a little income here and a little there but I’m not sure what the next 5 months will look like. That’s why I only live one day at a time. Some get frustrated with me though when I can’t give them an answer about the upcoming months. I think it’s funny to see the reactions of some that look so puzzled at my actions. Then there is the occasional “well, you could stay here and work with a non profit…people need help here too ya know”.

Sunday afternoon I told a friend of mine that admitted to being jealous of my call to South Africa that “I can NOT wait until He tells me I belong in Nashville.” Honestly, this is something that I am anticipating with gladness because I love Nashville and I want to live the rest of my life with this being my ‘home’ but right now I know one thing. Knowing where God wants me is empowering. It makes a lot of other decisions simple but then there are some that are so excruciating I want to give up. This is the way every blessing and calling in life is…most my friends are called to be married. I have a friend that has had the man of her dreams fall out of the sky into her lap. He is an incredible spiritual leader, good looking, well rounded, ambitious man and he loves her every moment from the time she is standing on stage looking like a runway model singing her beautiful songs to the times where she is puking her guts out on a plane for hours flying back from a mission trip. They have something holy, supernatural, powerful but yet there are struggles and they have to work at it 24-7 to be prayer warriors for each other and as they travel a painful journey of learning the most important lessons of unconditional love all they have to hang on to is that God has called them to love each other for the rest of their lives. And that is what it’s all about…being in God’s will is not a walk in the park but He will always be there to remind you of His eternal love.

Last night after a less than desirable day, I plopped down in the chair with all my books and journals in my lap and with a sigh whispered “I need a Savior.” Instead of diggin in just then I sat to think on my own (I know scary…) and talked to my best friend. This morning I woke up and had a book on my mind that the social worker at Living Hope gave me at my going away party. Although I’m reading through three other books at this time, I went for the shelf of books and pulled her gift down. I opened it to the page listed under today’s date. The first two words on the page are ‘Jesus: Savior’. I know, I think my favorite is when He shows us the nearness of His presence in our lives. That He hears even the sighs under our breath and with the Holy Spirit leads us to an oasis so that we can be refreshed in Him, His word and His greatness. The devotion said that Jesus has many names but the name Savior is the most important since He is the ONLY one that can save you. The final statement on the page read “Jesus saves you completely in every way.”

We are all in a hard place. No matter our circumstances we experience difficulties that upset us, sadden our hearts and plum frustrate us. Life never goes the way we plan…heck, you can make a perfect plan and 99.9% of the time the plan unravels. It doesn’t matter if you are being blessed the love of your life or you are in a time of trials, you struggle…we all struggle but fortunately we can be relieved of it all because we have a Savior. A Savior that is eager to take our unraveling plan and weave it together to be the most beautiful artwork we have ever seen. So, that is what I will be living on today…hope in my Savior…whom I said I needed and He came running.

journal entry Dec 17th

2008-01-26T16:15:00.000-08:00

Before i give you my journal entry word for word, I would like to explain why I'm sharing this...well, mostly I want you to experience this journey just as I am. I don't feel like this is my own but that I share it with you AND I find joy in being able to share the incredible ways that God is working in my heart. I feel like my road back to South Africa wraps around the earth two times before it gets to Cape Town again. More job opportunities are poppin' up everyday but i still don't feel distracted from my goal of returning to Cape Town. Tonight I remembered my journal entry from my departing flight from Cape Town to Germany and decided to pull it out.

Flight out of Cape Town Dec 17th

it happened fast.
before i could get a grip
my head is swirling
although i sit in silence reading a book about afghanistan
i begin to suffocate
all the air leaving my lungs
i ask myself over and over
'WHAT ARE YOU DOING?'
wait, let me go...i can't leave
i love my life here
the children
the people
i want off this plane
i don't care whats waiting for me
i must go back
i can't move forward
i'm scared to death
what does life in nashville look like without MY job
MY JOB the one where i loved all the people i worked with
i did a good job and had a great time
now what, God, NOW WHAT?
i live by faith?
having no clue what's next.
i don't know how to act with this new heart
it learned to live a sweeter life and walking with you so closely.
i'm afraid of distance
i'm afraid of what might be asked of me
i just want to be safe.
live comfortably
but more than that i love adventure
danger
being spontaneous.
God, WHY have you given me this hunger to roam?
hunger to live out of suitcases and meet new people.
you forgot to teach me to love being in one place,
working a corporate job, being stable.
there is NOTHING about me that is stable right now.
You are the only constant.
rend the heavens Lord i need you NOW more than ever.
i can't stand this.
i can't believe this is my life.
i'll do whatever you want me to do...but please put me back where i belong...
in africa.

(a little different format than you're use to but i wanted you to see it in its raw form...exactly how i wrote the words in my journal...now if only i could swallow this lump in my throat.)

your questions...and the rest of the story.

2008-01-23T08:25:00.000-08:00

I have been back for a month. As I have worked one job, quit and started another temp job I am constantly interviewed about WHY?

Why would I have such an attraction for a life so uncertain? especially since my career was heading in truly successful direction.

I spend a couple of minutes telling them about the people I met while I was there. How they are beautiful and their enormous faith is inspiring and I can't help but long to walk with them, pray with them and wrap my arms around them as they deal with life's unfortunate circumstances such as watching a child turn to drug addiction and gangs, or a family member being stabbed, or a mother suspecting that her rebellious daughter has contracted the deadly disease that she counsels people about on a daily basis. God has used me in these situations to not really do anything supernatural or earth shattering but in a nonchalant way comforted these hurting people with my words, experiences, or just my presence.

To be honest, I really haven't gotten too deep in my explanation about how I have chosen to live my life at this time. I regret that a little (though sometimes the interviewer is satisfied with a brief answer) but I sense that there are others that question me further even after our conversation. New Years Day I had a discussion with my mother. She's an amazing faithful woman who has always inspired me to walk close with God. She inquired about the obligations of returning to such a life of uncertainty (and I believe mostly because she loves me so she wants me within her reach). It upset me at first. I thought 'how does a woman who taught me everything about God and His love have questions?' but then I realized that I still stuggle with sharing all my thoughts and all that is in my heart so I was forced to share something incredibly personal that I had discussed time and time again with God as I had suffered through culture shock and jet lag upon my return. And so I spoke what only I had thought for several days.

"I'm uncomfortable. I don't have a space of my own...my own bed...my own sanctuary...my own place. I don't know when I will be able to get my teeth cleaned or go to see a doctor. I don't know how I will pay my bills or live through this new year 2008. Every morning I wake up and think, I could get any job in Nashville I want, I could get a great place to live and snuggle into the life of enjoying entertainment and socializing that I loved so much this time last year. I could be comfortable in knowing all the answers to my questions about survival. But I can not ignore my heart as it drowns any thought of possible comfort by telling me this is not where you belong. Right now in my life I belong there and the intense contrast of what my family, friends and everyone else around me says and what my heart is telling me is sometimes unbearable. "

I'm not sure why God has laid all this on my heart THIS morning. I was flipping through my bible just reaching for something to get my day in motion. I have a copy of an article my friend Amy wrote stuck in my bible. She wrote it for threads media and it was posted in September of last year while I was in Cape Town. I struggled with allowing her to post it but I knew that well, none of it is about me. My story is only about God. I read it this morning and cried remembering the pain and struggle I went through but mostly my tears were joyful and humble being a direct result of the most beautiful journey I could have ever imagined. Remembering sitting in horrible situations and only thinking that there was no way out and realizing God's meticulous weave of events and blessings that has changed me.

So, I wake up each morning and continue to face the challenges of wanting a life that makes sense and doing something that doesn't make any sense, I felt like it was time for me not to only just refer to the link as I did earlier on this blogspot but include the article for you to see for yourself the depth of my connection with a beautiful people. I can say that there is a tinge of selfish motive in my desire to be there as I have experienced healing from a lifetime of sadness through my time in Cape Town. Healing that could have never been possible if I would have stayed in this country.

and now it's time for the rest of the story...

From Jail to Africa
by Amy Jacobs

I sat sandwiched between Zana and Julie for the second leg of a three-leg-flight to Cape Town. I didn’t know a whole lot about Zana - sure we spent the months prior planning a mission trip and watching documentaries about HIV, but I only knew her in that context. The basics: she worked as an event coordinator at the Grand Ole Opry and this was her first mission trip - that’s what I knew.

“I think God wants me to share my story while we’re in Africa.” Those are the first words she uttered as our plane left the Chicago runway. As we flew over the Atlantic Ocean, her story unfolded and we were in shock. It turned out that Zana had a secret – and, quite frankly, I understood why she kept it.

A little more than a year earlier, Zana had too much to drink - entirely too much to drink. She managed to drive from downtown Nashville onto Interstate 65. She headed south, which was problematic because she had managed to get into the northbound lanes. And that’s when Zana hit a car head on. All she remembers of that evening is sitting in the back of a police car spitting glass from her mouth. She doesn’t remember leaving the bar, she doesn’t remember getting on the interstate, and she doesn’t remember seeing the van - the van carrying a family of three.

She does remember sitting in jail. She remembers the shame of those moments - knowing that as a child of God she had managed to get herself into serious trouble and she was completely unsure of what would happen to her. She remembers the unnerving gratitude she felt that she hadn’t killed or even hurt anyone in the accident. She remembers going to work and never mentioning a thing about her weekend. She kept her secret from her family, her coworkers and her church. Somehow, she managed to go to court, serve a little more time in jail, and function an entire year without a driver’s license and hardly anyone noticed.

While we were in Africa, our team led a spiritual retreat for the caregivers at Living Hope, a nonprofit that works in Cape Town and surrounding townships to provide palliative care for HIV+ individuals. We gathered all their over-worked social workers and caregivers together and spent two days doting on them, praying with them, and doing our best to provide a “break” from their incredibly challenging lives. During our evening session, Zana was to share her story with the 80 or so caregivers and our team. I’ll be honest… I was nervous for her - nervous that some would judge her, even those on our team; nervous about how her story would be received; nervous because this would be the first time, other than our flight to Africa, that she shared her story.

Standing in front of the caregivers, she wept as she explained that she didn’t know why God brought her halfway around the world to share her story for the first time. She admitted that she had felt so much shame that she had kept quiet about her sin, about her situation. Sitting in that room I could do little more than pray and wipe tears from my face as she made herself the most vulnerable person in the room. I watched as tears rolled down the tired faces of African women who carry secrets of their own - secrets of HIV status, of rape, of God knows what. And I recognized in that moment that no one else in our group could relate to those sweet people like Zana could. They were moved by her story and they spent the following hour or so singing praises and thanking God for his mercy and grace. As they sang “Blessed Assurance” the words “this is my story, this is my song, praising my Savior all the day-long” meant something altogether new to me.

I’m still processing all the things I’m learning from Zana. She’s evidence that God can turn a life around; He can redeem the biggest mistakes we make. I’m convicted when I consider how she carried her burden alone for so long, how she went through the motions and nobody noticed. I recognize the intentional nature of God in her story - how she could relate so closely to the shame many HIV positive Africans feel. I see the power and freedom confession brings to a life, how she let go of her pride and found freedom in Christ and I am compelled to live honestly, even if it’s scary.

We came home from Africa in March. Zana told her family the truth about her life. She quit her “dream job” and packed her bags for Africa where she’s volunteering for the next five months. While she’s there, I can’t stop thinking about the miracle that her life is - how God allowed one girl to go from a sobering jail cell to a land and a work that’s as beautiful as South Africa in no time at all.

videos

2008-01-17T08:33:00.000-08:00

starting to have a little time on my hands...in the process of uploading videos from my trip.

PLEASE know that my skillz in video are slim to none...but they're funny.

kids in red hill...love em.

see me in action drivin a stick on the left side of the road.

baboons and my amazing camera skillz.

this is more like my life...

2008-01-07T10:54:00.000-08:00

I blogged for the first time last night. I mean, it was natural and off the cuff and I was excited to tell you about how God had blessed me. So, I thought that my writer's block was gone (because truth be known it took me DAYS to provide the Zim summary) due to the swelling of my mission fund that seemed truly supernatural.

I was wrong . . . about the mission fund not my writer's block.

well, that's not ENTIRELY the truth . . . I mean, I wasn't wrong! It was actually THE BANK. I KNEW I was supposed to buy the computer---- and lets be honest...how many times does the amount of money in your bank account show up incorrect when you visit the ATM for a Balance Inquiry? ESPECIALLY when the amount that's in the account has actually NEVER been that much before? Well, it happened. You read it---- I did it! I bought that computer--and now, I've been told that the amount in my mission fund account was incorrect and now i only have enough to pay a water bill. This leads me to several thoughts.

First . . . Oh _____ (fill in the blank). Hmmm . . . now what?!?!
Second . . . So, I'm broke?? REALLY broke . . . dangerously broke.
Third (and I might add, more appropriate). . . God--- What are you doing?

I KNOW I was supposed to buy that computer. I KNOW that God is faithful. I KNOW that HE answered my prayer when I asked him to "do something radical." I also KNOW that I would have NEVER bought that much needed computer had I known the truth about the amount of money in my account.

To answer the "now what?" This is what I'm going to do . . .
I'm going to praise Him . . .
Psalm 150 says praise him---- for everything. Yes, even for money that I thought was there that wasn't . . . even though I don't understand His purpose in this . . . even though my heart feels broken and another hemisphere away.

Today, I'll praise Him for "His surpassing greatness." I'll WAIT-- and, I'll TRUST.

"Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; His greatness no one can fathom." Yes---- He IS unfathomable...even more so than the unfortunate circumstances i have previously experienced.

I prayed for something radical . . . I choose to believe that HE isn't finished yet. That's the way my DAD is . . .

4 Things

2008-01-06T16:37:00.000-08:00

pic 1 - me n my heaven sent friend Missy at Noordhoek Beach
pic 2 - me n laural having our first starbucks since july in chicago airport

4 Things

I just have to share this story with you. I have read through my journals from Africa 15 million times since I have been back. It’s incredible to see…well, how much I write in a journal but also ALL that God has answered in such a short time.

It was in the beginning to middle of November when I started to freak out about coming back to Nashville. As I submitted my prayers to God in my journal…I just kept it simple. I narrowed it down to 4 things was all I needed when I returned. 4 things.

1. Job – For awhile I hesitated to get a job because I knew God wanted me to be available for Him. I kept telling myself that I wanted Him to provide the opportunity and that I didn’t want any of my selfish motives to get in the way of what he was doing. I waited for His direction on a job. Well, you may have already guessed but being thousands of miles away and not really on anyone’s radar…there wasn’t an opportunity seeking me out. I have to be honest in a way I was a little unsure of myself. Since I hadn’t used my fine professional skills in months I was skeptical of my ability to perform. God sent a visitor to me the end of November. A beautiful friend that I had only worked with before was sent to Cape Town for business. Insane, right?! Yeah, we had never hung out before. She ended up staying with me for two nights which was providential because the night before she came to stay I had an ugly breakdown about my future…and then here she came. Her big smile and encouraging words were exactly what I needed to hear. She gave me example after example about why I was no doubt uniquely talented and could get any job in town. This was just what I needed to hear. It gave me the confidence I needed to make the move God needed me to make to give me the opportunity He had waiting on me. I emailed one friend. One friend who is a producer in town that is always working. I sent one email saying I’m available. BAM. She said you start Jan 2 and it’s a three month gig. Now, how perfect is that…three months for me to wait for God to direct me to my next endeavor. What a blessing. So, I started my new job and am well on my way…

2. New Tires – okay, so in June before I left my tires were in the red zone. They were so bald and shiny you could see your reflection in them. I was burdened with the thought of having to fork out hundreds of dollars for my tires once I returned to the states. I would HAVE to buy them or else be killed in a car accident driving home for Christmas. I prayed about it a lot. I didn’t want to charge them because credit cards are evil. And lo n behold, during a conversation with my sweet mother she said that she would be giving me tires for Christmas (which might I add was unsolicited). Now, I know that to some tires don’t sound like that much fun for a Christmas present but I was tickled to death. I mean, it’s the gift that keeps on giving over and over and over again.

3. MacBook Pro – I know that you may think that I’m weird but for the last several months…I think I started in June…I have prayed about a computer. I didn’t have one of my own to take to Africa and my church was kind enough to loan me one. It was sufficient for my duties at Living Hope but I knew that once I returned I would be responsible for trying to figure out how to get one of my own for my new job. I prayed about it…my flatmates prayed about it…it was a daily part of our conversations. “When Zana gets a macbook pro…” we would say…we had no idea that this would happen. We all knew that I have been living on a prayer for months with no job or income except for those precious committed people that love God so much they gave of their own income (you have no idea how much I love you). I have to be honest, I half expected someone to be standing at the Nashville airport with my computer in their hands…well, that didn’t happen but let me tell you what did happen. For over a week now I knew it was time. I just felt it. I had a large contribution from an anonymous donor seven days before I left South Africa. I hope you are reading this my favorite little sneak because you have done more in my life than just what I am about to tell you and will write on soon. So, time to buy a mac. I didn’t really have all the money for it. I was just going to use half of the donation to pay some on it and then finance the rest using my new job to pay for the computer. Prayed about it all week. Talked to Laural’s cousin Matt who works for Mac about all I needed to know…he was such a great help since I am not smart when it comes to such equipment. I mean, I can plan a gig with the hottest new act you’ll remember for years…but don’t ask me about gigs on a computer. So, researched it…prayed it…woke up on Saturday morning and knew today was the day. During my morning time with my favorite Man I asked him to do something radical that ONLY the glory could be given to him for this purchase. Well, uh hmmmm…I checked my account before going to the store and talk about radical. My account had TRIPLED. I had no idea. My chest almost burst and it took everything in me to keep from crying. I DID NOT deserve this is what I kept thinking but then I knew. He wants me to get it. I walked into the store and up to the counter.

I started with, “Today is the day…”.
The sales person replied with “for what?”
I said “for me to buy a mac.”
He grinned real big and seemed to enjoy my confidence. As he walked around the counter he asked, “well, what can I get for you.”
“I know exactly what I want…I want an aluminum refurbished macbook pro,” I said. He stopped in his tracks with partial frown on his face and said, “We don’t carry those but we do have __________” (insert a computer name here because I can’t remember what it was because the parade in my head came to a violent screeching halt at the first four words he said.)

I couldn’t believe it. God provided the money but He’s not going to provide the computer and now I have to settle for something that I haven’t been praying about. Settle. Really?

Then the nice gentleman walked behind the refurbished counter and as he spoke about ALL the other options stopped in mid sentence…
“Hold on just a second…this box…it looks like we have something right here. It’s an aluminum refurbished macbook pro…let me check the system to see what's up (typing in serial number to check if he can sell it to me). yes, it just arrived yesterday.”

My response was “That’s my computer.”

And so to make an amazing story a little bit short…because the rest is just insignificant details. God provided the computer…the exact computer that I could not afford. Why? I can only say that He probably got tired of my nagging…no, seriously He’s just that amazing. He wants to surprise His children. He wants to bless us with things that will help us continue our journey and be able to nurture the existing gifts He has provided like a job to make money while I am preparing a way to return to do more work in South Africa (which is where I feel like I belong at this time in my life).

4. Well, I hate to keep you hanging in and hanging on as brown would say but I’m not going to share what number 4 is until it happens. One reason – I can guarantee that it would freak some people out. Especially since God has proved to be so faithful…there’s really not a doubt in my mind that He’s on the verge of #4…all in a matter of His time.

Until then…Thank God for always providing for His children. He never forgets us and really even pays attention to tiny details. As I pulled away from the store with my new purchase I couldn’t help but think about that day…the day that comes when we get to look in His face. And although this blessing is really only minor compared to ALL that He does…I just wanna squeeze Him as hard as I can. He truly makes me feel like his baby girl. For that I am most thankful.

PS. I think I’ve said this before but make sure you watch what you pray for…because DANG, He is good.

um, yeah

2008-01-06T15:30:00.000-08:00

just have to say that i am overwhelmed by ALL the people i have seen and well, even just heard that you were committed to reading my blog while i was away. I was even more blown away by so many of you that have really encouraged me to continue to blog.

no doubt...keep checking out my blog because the truth is...my life changes on a daily basis and I know that I will eventually be going back to Cape Town...it may be this spring...it may be this winter...either way, i will return. God says so.

Zimbabwe

2008-01-06T15:09:00.000-08:00

Zimbabwe (pics coming soon)
Written Dec 26th

It’s been over a month since I was in Zimbabwe. It’s hard for me to even believe that I was ever there. You may remember that leading up to my trip God really provided in an incredible way for the simple things that I needed on this trip. I have to admit something…I was nervous about going. The uncertainty of what would be waiting for me in Zim was frightening to me and I honestly can’t pinpoint the exact thing that scared me. I think it was just the mystery of the experience as a whole. Zimbabwe is currently struggling as a result of poor leadership. I could go into the details but I just have to leave it has it’s a very sad situation that has left the people of Zim starving and desperate for food and money.

We were fortunate to have good friend that is a native Zimbabwe beau. He was kind enough to make arrangements for our trip and be our guide through it all. Again, another true blessing from God because he did it all from the flight arrangements down to the meat, vegs for food to the overnight accommodations. Because of his assistance we were also able to get incredible rates for each of the activities we did. Since my budget was…well, next to nothing…this was also very helpful.

It was odd to leave the Cape Town airport without Nashville being my final destination but it was also really cool. I remember thinking of Cape Town as my home and how I was really okay with that thought at the time. It had been a little cold in Cape Town leading up to our trip so we were very excited about getting to Zim to sweat. Boy, were we in for a treat. We arrived in Zim and I thought that my jeans were going to be soaked with sweat before we could get checked in through passport control. This didn’t bother me much though since I love to sweat and feel like I belong where its warm (pre-call to Africa I wanted to move to Florida for the longest to get away from winters in Nashville and THEN the whole hurricane factor came into play with FL almost got blown off the continent so I decided to deal with Nashville’s chilly winters). After waiting forever to check in I had a GREAT surprise waiting for me…Kate! Kate is the greatest and when I had the opportunity of meeting in Cape Town back in October I knew we were meant to be forever in each other’s lives. She was just passing through on her way to Malawi. We hit it off in an incredible way and she became one of the flatmates. It just so happened that it worked out where she could meet in Zimbabwe for our ‘vacation’ from the volunteer work we had all been doing on this great continent.

So, I don’t know exactly what I was more excited about…being in a country I had waited my WHOLE life to visit or Kate. It was great. I screamed and jumped up and down at the site of her. We were in for a huge treat having the weekend to catch up. We all gather our things and get going…we pile in the van…Kate, Mike, Carl, Bethany, Drew, Nat, Laural and I…having no idea what God was about to throw us into…however if someone would have told me what would happen during this weekend I would have never believed it. Even though I had prayed for months at that time that God would do incredible things in Zim…wow…He brought it that’s for sure. The thing that I continue to ask myself over and over again ‘why do I doubt Him?’ because He is constantly outdoing Himself blessing after blessing.

We arrive at our cabins, unload the van and all head to our back yard. (back yard = Zambezi river…I know, RIGHT!) Once we find a seat on the bank we notice across the river from us is an elephant…yep, he’s just hanging out grazing and swinging his trunk around. Then there was a total 12! hippos in the water all right in front of us. 12! I couldn’t believe it. The beauty, the wildlife…then we found a crocodile down the bank from us, warthogs running around e’erwhere. Dude, I know, I thought of Pumba the whole time. I think that being in this environment I realized how insanely creative our God is…I mean, all these very different animals…all different shapes, diets, characteristics, survival tactics, etc. I loved being in their little niche for even a short time. I mean, Cape Town you worry about being a victim of violence…Zim…it was being chased by a hippo or attacked by a croc…I’m not sure which is my preference.

Anyhow, it was great being Jane of the Jungle for a weekend. Sweating, brushing my teeth with water that I was told I shouldn’t have used to brush with on the THIRD day I was there, mosquitoes but no mosquito nets. Heck, it was so hot we left our windows open and I could hardly bare to sleep under the sheet. I thought “seriously, God, you’re not going to let me get malaria, right? I can’t sleep under this sheet.” So, I basically just slept in faith…

Ooo, one night kate and I had just laid down and were talking ourselves to sleep when I felt something on my face. I freaked just a little but swiped it away very fast. Kate was alarmed and wanted to know if she should get up to turn on the light…at first I said “no, uh huh…I’ll be…TURN ON THE LIGHT!” I had felt something in my hair and swiped again and was freaking out cuz it felt BIG. Yeah, looked in the floor and the biggest spider I had seen just landed beside my bed. I freaked. It was huge and the sucker was just on my face seconds before. Kate got up put a glass over the spider, then a bible to keep the spider from moving the glass and then a towel so I didn’t have to look at it. Crazy… This made falling asleep that night quite difficult.

Wait, a couple of important adventures I want to tell you about too. We went rafting on the Zambezi river. I must say this was a dream of mine. I love rafting and was super excited about being able to go down such a river. We had an awesome guide named Kossam. He was beautiful and funny and full of information…we really enjoyed ourselves and he had a good time yanking our chains during our 8 hour adventure down the river. I will have to say the MOST significant challenge I have been faced with in this river experience was not being catapulted out of the raft and under water for way longer than my lungs could take BUT had to be the hike up the gorge at the end of our journey. The funny part (and I can only find humor in it now) is that as we got off the raft Kossam said “there are cold drinks waiting for you just ‘up the hill’”. Well, let me ask you something…think about how long ½ mile is…I know what you’re thinking…it’s not that big a deal…not that far…sounds easy. Well, try climbing ½ mile STRAIGHT UP…towards the sky…with wet clothes, a life jacket, a helmet, and a paddle in your hand. Not to mention the incredibly warm weather around you. Okay, for the first time in a couple years, I actually had the thought…I’m gonna die right here. After rafting all day long not to mention the several times we got out to swim in the river but let’s just say that there had to be some poor angel that God sent to push me up that gorge because I couldn’t have done it on my own. It was painful. And the next day…I couldn’t walk. So, the Zambezi River was my most favorite memory of Zimbabwe however it was my least because I left bruised and exhausted.

**Please make note that if you are considering rafting on the Zambezi…you should probably train for a marathon or triathlon first. It is not for the faint of heart.

Another incredible experience was being able to walk with lions. The lions were just unbelievable. As I was standing watching all of us interact with the lions I could ONLY think of Osland from the Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe and how he represents our God, with extraordinary strength and power to take lives at the swat of a paw but also so gentle. Our God’s love for us allowed us to be in the presence of these majestic creatures. It was wild. I couldn’t believe it. Kate and I looked at each other and said, “God has out done himself…how can it get better than this.” We not only got to live amongst all the different creatures for the weekend but we got to walk with the kings of the jungle and see Vic Falls which is one of the Seven Wonders of the World and raft the famous Zambezi.

We were truly blessed by all that God provided for us. We did all agree that our favorite part of the weekend was our small Sunday service on our veranda. Each of us went around the circle and shared what God had spoken to them during this weekend of gifts. It was truly a holy experience…hearing the hearts of those that I had just experienced all these spirituals highs with over the weekend. Not to mention that this particular weekend was the 2 year anniversary of God saving my life in an unexplainable way. I tell you that the further I get away from that time in my life the more it seems like it’s someone else’s life that I use to live. I guess this is good in a way, it means that I am growing and changing and learning more about what God intended for my life however I don’t want to ever forget being so humble. Being so helpless…not having any tangible thing or person to help me but my God. He is the only one that I could talk to and I am forever thankful for what happened and will never ever ever forget that He controls all life and death. All that being said and I apologize I got off on the deep end of things but I feel like people often make light of miracles God provides for us on a daily basis. We are all here for a reason. You are reading this for a reason. He puts us in specific places at specific times for a reason. And if we happen to stray from His path…He’s always there to welcome us back.

Yeah, so our ‘church’ was intense. I shared some scripture and a little of my story. I also shared that I felt that our group has a job to do. Since God gave me this Zim experience I knew that it was my job as his daughter to take it up a notch…to be more of a redemptive agent for his Kingdom than I ever have before. Those that he blesses are called to more responsibilities. It’s a huge call but I can’t help but think I’ll do whatever he asks. Whatever. Because the truth of the matter is…my life is nothing without Him so why not sacrifice whatever I have to serve Him and before I know it He’s taken me to the most exotic places in the world to again drink deeply of His extravagant blessings. And all I had to do was do what He asked “Go and love…”.

Two of my favorite things: traveling and loving.

We’re a match made in Heaven.

broken

2007-12-22T07:56:00.000-08:00

*disclaimer...my head is swimming in an ocean of emotions so if this doesn't make sense i'm sorry...i just wanted you to know i'm back and then i shared more than expected. you love me anyway i know.

i'm home. i arrived back in nashville on tuesday, 18th dec. i don't think i could have ever prepared myself for what i have felt the past three days. it has been the most difficult experience and one i can hardly explain. jet lag has really kicked my butt. i'm up at 3am, 4am and 5am and fallen over about 3pm, 4pm and 5pm. i have a precious friend that has opened up her home to me. it's small but we are good friends and will have a great time living together. however, its hard for me to be so unsettled. i think that is the thing that has bothered me the most. there's no specific z space. i think the thought of this being this way for months is what makes me uneasy. God has been pretty evident and letting me know that he wants me to stay mobile for a reason. Today, at this time I believe i will be returning to cape town in the spring to do more mission work. My life changes on a daily basis. Everyday there are new things revealed and doors closed. i'm broken because i have to adjust to living this way in an atmosphere that is not conducive to such uncertainties. everyone wants to know...what's next? heck, i even ask God all the time...if you could see my journal you would see that most all of my thoughts are focused on what's next. He has specific reasons why I am not supposed to know at this time. maybe it's a test to see how i weather such a life change. I know there are things he is preparing me for but seem so farfetched that i can't believe it. when i think about this thing and pray about it...i ask myself how can you pray something so impossible. i had a friend tell me a month ago..."z, God told Noah to build an ark...he had never seen rain before and did it anyway." i have an animated picture of Noah on my dash now. this not only reminds me of Noah's faith in God when he asked him to do something so ridiculous in the eye's of all of those around him but also the promise God made with the rainbow.

i plan to work on some real substantial blog entries while i am in alabama for christmas. i hope that i will be able to spend my time watching my favorite christmas movies and alone with my thoughts on all that i have endured in the last several weeks. today i just wanted everyone to know that i am here. well, physically i am in the states. i don't really know where my heart is...where my mind is...

i can tell you that as i concentrate on the intensity of our Father's love that we experience through such a holiday it is overwhelming. the world is so uninviting and yet the King of the World left his Father's side to come to earth and take human form with us in mind. He did it for you and for me...so that we may live lives full of joy without guilt or shame. You know, this morning i was thinking about how i use to run from this love and how i know so many friends and family members that are running from the most amazing love even though they know about what he did. I thought it's amazing that God even gave us a choice. He could've just said you will accept my love and not allowed us to have free will. Free will caused me to be stubborn in thinking that i could live my life without him. that i could work, play and live on my own in my own accord and be successful. Free will caused me the most painful experiences because of my silly head strong ways...thank you Lord for running so hard after me when i was running from you. You didn't have to save me. I could've left this world and time would've marched on...

everybody longs to be loved...though why do you deny him over and over again? as you look at the nativity scene set up in your house or at the local shopping mall or church...take a look at baby Jesus. He wants to love you...you're the reason He came.

PS please look at ashley's blog...the christmas trees for sale is my favorite.

writer's block

2007-12-12T00:03:00.000-08:00

For two days now I have stared at my journal. I have been trying for a week now to produce the blogs to tell you about Zimbabwe, World AIDS Day, and other incredible experiences that I have had in the past 4 weeks. I can’t do it.

I met a friend from church for lunch on Monday at my favorite little hippie joint. She shared something with me that has left me speechless. I don’t want to share too much because I don’t know that most people would understand but she is known for speaking God’s truth into people’s lives and the reason it’s so significant she shared with my friend Ashley a couple of weeks ago and it her words have enhanced Ashley’s walk with God, with her husband and every aspect of her life. Anyhow, that’s one thing that has made this week insane.

Yesterday, there were three events that left me speechless again. 1. a gift 2. my best friend heather going into labor and 3. God used me in an unbelievable way.

After the morning was over I looked at Nat and I said “How do I live the rest of the day after all this? I just feel like I need to lay face down and praise with every breath.” Nat’s response was, “You have to get use to it. When you’re in God’s will this is how it is. Amazing things happen all the time and you just go with it.”

Then we went to Red Hill for holiday club. Red Hill is my favorite. It’s so peaceful and really special. They were having the toilets emptied by a big truck which made for a very unpleasant aroma but somehow that didn’t effect my time in there in a negative way….I’m guessing God just filled my nostrils with his fragrance instead. I walked up and there was one little boy I had only met once. WE hadn’t even talked before. He RAN to me. From the time I got there til I left he had his hand in mine. He said hardly a word but looked up and smiled a lot. One girl came over to check us out. She spoke to him in Afrikaans and he responded nodding his head yes. The girl looked at me and said, “he just said that you are his mother.” These Red Hill kids are so keen on me being a wife and mother it cracks me up (I have another story about this later). Anyhow, my afternoon there was surreal and the whole time I was thinking “God Why Me? I don’t deserve this.”

I know that this blog doesn’t really flow or anything. I’m so frustrated with not being able to tell you all that I want to. There is so much God is telling me right now. Honestly, my life is changing on a DAILY basis. A week ago today I thought I found a home in Nashville. An amazing house in the spot I wanted to be…just to rent until God reveals the next step. I ‘thought’ it was providential…a true blessing. Well, it was but not in the way I wanted it to be (figures, right?). God used that opportunity that I loved so much to tell me that it’s not meant for me to make a living commitment at this time. He wants me to be flexible to go and do whatever He wants me to do. So, this week…again, I’m just going to be mobile. He also revealed that I will only be returning to Nashville for a visit and then back to Cape Town for a longer stay…with the provision of His finances coming through. I know he will provide…financially, physically, spiritually…in all ways.

See, random blog. I can’t help it. Again, when I got home last night after such a spiritual day I stared at my journal. Words seem so empty when you have seen a glimpse of his power. I am so humbled and still I am searching for the best way to pay him the gratitude I have for ALL that he is doing and continues to do. It’s such an indescribable feeling because He wants nothing but me…and He’s got me.

I lead the devotion at Living Hope last week. It was about being in God’s will and life’s uncertainties. I shared how I wish that God would be at the baggage claim in Nashville and hand me an itinerary for the rest of my life…you go here, you meet this person, you get married, you go to this country, you share God’s love, you do this, you do that, you have children, you, you, you…don’t we all wish all the steps were laid for us? Then we could rest and just enjoy life. The problem with that is we wouldn’t need God if everything was scheduled and we knew what to do next. Not to mention a great part of this journey is the mystery of not knowing what God is going to do next and the sweetest thing is His friendship. He loves to surprise us…to romance us…to make us feel like His special children. So, I’m thankful I don’t get my way…but hints would help (only kidding) however He’s been really faithful by providing hints this last couple of weeks as well. Thank ya Jesus.

Two quotes I want to share with you both from O. Chambers.

“Obey God in the thing he shows you, and instantly the next thing is opened up. God will never reveal more truth about himself until you have obeyed what you know already…this chapter brings out the delight of real friendship with God.”

“…gracious uncertainty is the mark of a spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, we do not know what a day may bring forth. This is generally said with a sign of sadness; it should rather be an expression of breathless expectation.”

I promise…I’m praying about putting some of my really cool God stories together and I will try to post them before I leave. My heart is fragile right now and leaving this place is probably the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. It’s been the best gift besides baby Jesus and salvation.

you know anytime you come to the end of something it’s painful...but the pain is worth the beginning of a new chapter. i love starting over though it's a privelege we don't often come across in life. how many times do you get to start over with a new you in a town you love with a long list of contacts, friends, etc and nothing but your own decisions to make your life what you want it be? i know, i'm blessed.

I trust Him.

2007-11-30T02:06:00.000-08:00

just a brief update as i am in the throws of last minute details with the 1st Annual World AIDS Day Fashion show to be held tomorrow at 1pm...

up until yesterday I had 9 children left to clothe and didn't have donations. yesterday afternoon i received an email for a donation for 5 of the children, 2 more after that...then i had 2 left. I made purchases yesterday in faith that He would provide finances as i don't even have enough money to make it home. I just received one phone call for a gentleman that will bring me the money for the last 2 children to the show tomorrow.

PRAISE GOD! All you have to do is trust him and he will provide...it may be the very last minute but he pulls through.

Thank you thank you to all of those that have sent encouraging emails this week about World AIDS Day. It's like no other event i have planned...though the best part is it's all for his glory. I had the opportunity to fit some of the children in their outfits...their smiles after putting on their clothes...priceless.

I can't believe God let me come here to do this for them. They are so precious. A friend of mine is coming to serve as the official photographer...i hope to get to show you ALL of my pics from the past couple of weeks next week when all the excitement is over.

(as i type this our HR manager comes in and busts out laughing at me...which happens alot but i was caught off guard...i had forgotten about the reindeer antlers i received in a package this morning that i had placed on my head to get in the spirit...)

love you all.

z

to be continued...

2007-11-27T23:49:00.000-08:00

i know, i know...i have zim trip, northern cape trip and other activities to tell you about. i am so busy with World AIDS Day Fashion Show and Testing that is Saturday, December 1st. Please pray for this event and all details.

i will share one thing with you...nat named the wind clarice...sometimes clarice opens our door on her own. we always greet her with "hello clarice". sometimes she slams the car door on our legs...then we greet her with...wait, maybe i shouldn't share that.

hope this tides you over until i put my blog cap on. my head is FULL with my time here slipping away...some i want to share and some i probably shoundn't. we'll see what comes out in the end i guess.

cheers.
z

too much

2007-11-22T04:46:00.000-08:00

so much to say too little time...

i have a whole thanksgiving blog but i don't have time...i am up to my eye balls in preparation for World AIDS Day on 1 Dec AND i am leaving town tomorrow for another outreach mission trip to the northern cape. Please pray for us as we travel 8-9 hours to host a christmas party for hundreds of children in this town. there's gonna be fireworks too. i'm excited.

i'll have a whole slew of things to share with you next week. my zim trip was unbelievable...walking with lions, rafting the zambezi, hangin with monkeys, warthogs, hippos and elephants...see, so much to tell.

happy thanksgiving! i can't believe i'm not at my grandmothers but i have a sneaking suspicion that God is trying to tell me something...although that last 27 years i have done the say thing for thanksgiving each year...from here on out...it'll never be the same.

i love you my sweet family. eat some monkey bread for me!

z

when in need...God provides

2007-11-14T05:57:00.000-08:00

i just wanted to share how God has out did himself today.

1. i was worried about not having tevas/chacos to raft in on the zambezi river. i thought i was going to have to duct tape flip flops to my feet then my hlp was going to send hers with brent and he was to arrive on tues. his trip was cancelled and THEN the whole time my sweet friend ashley had a pair that are exactly my size. She offered them to me! yessss....
2. it's supposed to be hotter than two dollar pistol in zim and not a cloud in sight. i didn't have any sunscreen but received a package today from my beautiful friend Mary and her husband Paul. it had TWO bottles of sunscreen in it.
3. i didn't have the funds to go to zim...well, still don't but God has provided through amazing generous people for me to go and celebrate my anniversary of his grace and redemption in my life. what a anniv gift.

this day has been so cool...praise God! There is never a lack in Him.

details on trip next week...gotta run.

love,
z

WE DANCED

2007-11-04T07:18:00.000-08:00

my church rocks...we have so much fun. this is a pic of our service this morning...our message was about giving thanks for ALL good things come from God. there was a balloon drop, CROWD DIVING (seriously) and lots of moving and shaking...i had hot pits by the time we left. by the way...my quiet time BEFORE getting to church was on Gifts from God and the exact same scripture. I love it when my Father does that.

Anyhow, I had to share with you. Jubilee is such a blessing to me. They are deeply rooted in the TRUTH of God and it's so awesome...i can't wait to see what next week will be like. I am so grateful to find a church I can get fed at here in South Africa.

hope you like it.

2007-11-03T07:21:00.000-07:00

i just spent most my day trying to make sure you get to see my world here. my eyes are crossed so i am going home now.

this is how much i love you, my sweet family and friends.

Halloween

2007-11-03T06:57:00.000-07:00

#1 Package Day is always exciting...our TN mothers sent us some fun things, starbucks, thanksgiving decor, candles, etc. We all danced the entire time we were opening the package. Packages hold a whole new meaning to me. I had no idea it would mean SO MUCH to get mail. thank you for those have sent me mail...you have no idea.
#2 the three of us bought masks to wear to work. puddin had an early meeting so puffin and i were left to be picked up by sherna. this is how we greeted her. it was so much fun even though NO ONE knew what we were doing at the health care centre. they probably just thought 'ah, there goes those crazy americans again.'
#3 & 4 Capricorn kids club

MWS photos

2007-11-03T06:32:00.000-07:00

More Photos (all Red Hill)

2007-11-03T06:08:00.001-07:00

#1 homes
#2 main road
#3 kids in container for club
#4 babies dancing to shakira
#5 the road leading out of Red Hill (boy on left in orange helped us)

song going through my head e'er since thurs...

i repent by derek webb

i repent of my pursuit of America's dream
i repent of living like i deserve anything
my house, my fence, my kids, and my wife
in our suburb where we're safe and white
i am wrong and of these things i repent

i repent of parading my liberty
i repent of paying forvwhat i get for free
the way i believe that i am living right
by trading sins for others that are easier to hide
i am wrong and of these things i repent

i repent judging by a law that even i can't keep
wearin righteousness like a disguise to see through
the planks in my own eyes

i repent of trading truth for false unity
i repent of confusing peace and idolatry
of caring more of what they think than what i know of what they need
and domesticating You until You look just like me
i am wrong and of these things i repent

Catch up...

2007-11-03T05:35:00.000-07:00

#1 produce...
#2 home in Masi
#3 mirror in Masi
#4 laundry in Ocean View (OV is flats not shacks...government built them and moved all coloured people into them several years ago)
#5 Red Hill shop...you see the church cross in the background...lots o mist.

Just to catch up here are some things that have happened in the past couple of weeks that I haven’t had to time to write down.

1. We had to turn Tazz over to someone else. Two weeks ago on a Friday we said good bye…then the following Monday I received a speeding ticket in the mail for Tazz. Great huh. My first South African traffic violation. They have cameras that take pictures of your vehicle if you are speeding. When I went to pay the fine I asked the guy if I could keep it. He was perplexed. He said no, but I can make a copy? Still trying to figure out my attachment to the fine. I said that would be great. I had to have a copy of my ticket…I mean, it’s a great addition to my scrapbook, right?

2. I hit a man with our car. Yap, in Africa the pedestrians DO NOT mind cars at all. They just walk out into a busy street and expect you to stop. It is the most insane thing to watch. Well, we were leaving access park one day and I was pulling out of a parallel parking space and cars were everywhere so I was trying to take advantage of a gap in traffic by pulling out when this dude walked out right in front of me. I didn’t stop and neither did he. Bam. Or Tap rather…I hit the dude in the leg. He bent down grabbed his knee and kept walking (very similar to how I responded to the one-eyed dog bite on Sept 24). Anyway, when he walked off I busted out laughing and my flatmates followed. They said they didn’t want to laugh until they realized I was okay. I was fine and was a little let down that he didn’t get miffed and jump on the hood of the car or something to spice things up.

3. Michael W. Smith concert was great. Of course, there were some glitches with getting in since we were on the guest list but it all worked out. We met MWS during the day at Living Hope (Laural wrote a blog on it if you want to check it out). I was cool to see people from Nashville. The camera guy had on a Moo TV shirt. I was like “oh my MOO TV…” and everyone looked at me like what?? I was excited because I have worked shows with them before and you know anything familiar gets us excited.

4. We had a GET Tested day in the Long Beach Mall yesterday. It was a long day full of people, the wheel, testing…WE gave out the rest of the loot for the wheel which was good. People love the wheel. Free stuff, you know. The day got started well, but we had lost one of counselors soon after we started due to a tragedy. She received a call that there had been a shooting in her back yard (no one kin to her but…) and someone had been murdered. Her kids were to be home from school soon and she had to go to get there to be with them and help explain to them what had happened. How tragic. I tried to envision how I would deal with such an event…if someone was shot and killed in my back yard. Oh, it would not be pretty. This is normal life in South Africa.

5. OH, and I got tested yesterday. First time I had been tested for HIV. It was an interesting process one that I am glad that I did. It will be a lot easier for me to encourage others to do it now that I have found out my status. My status = negative if you’re wondering. The counselor was adamant about me having my partner get tested before I marry him whenever that partner comes along. It’s funny (or not really) because I thought ‘ha, yeah, I’ll ask him to get tested.’ Which should not be my response at all…this also brought on thoughts of the HIV/AIDS stigma in the US. Yeah, we talk about the stigma being bad here…well, I think it’s even worse in the US. It’s even more swept under the rug…and people are even more excluded from society when diagnosed and that’s why some just die alone with their secret and never get to fully live their lives out which is really sad to me. We think “oh, AIDS is in Africa…it’s not in the US…” Well, I’ve been to college…I know what goes on not only in college but in high schools and really our world is not that different than Africa’s…we just have more money to cover it up.

6. We’re going to Zimbabwe November 15-19th. We are going to see Victoria Falls and rafting on the Zambezi river. We are very excited. Please pray for us as we travel. We are taking food with us because food there is scarce and the country is not in the best state. Please pray for God to move in Zimbabwe…it’s a sad situation with the government and all the corruption going on there. Not to mention, Americans are often taken advantage of in Zim…they think we have a lot of money which cracks me up because well, I don’t.

7. We’re going on another Mission outreach trip November 23-25th in the karoo. It’s further away than Sutherland…Van Wykesvlei…We will be throwing a Christmas party for them there. It is one of the locations that Dez has been going to for a while now. I hear it will be hotter than a two dollar pistol there which is the complete opposite from the frigid Sutherland trip so here’s to thinking cool thoughts. More details on this trip later…not real sure yet what will go on.

Well, I think that’s it for now. My time here is becoming jammed with coffee dates and dinners with all those that I have become very fond of while being here. We want to see everyone before we leave in a month. Time flies…I can’t believe it’s almost over though I will be back in February with the Rolling Hills team and then going to Malawi for a short time before returning home again…more on that later.

Love,
zafrika

Exhausted

2007-11-03T05:32:00.000-07:00

#1 this is a creche (daycare) in Masi
#2 toilet
#3 one of the homes
#4 Alanis made his wallpaper...so did Val Kilmer but i like alanis more
#5 The White House...so many comments so little time.

Nov 3 10am

I’m sitting in my warm, dry flat on my white couch drinking Starbucks coffee my sweet TN mothers sent to us and reflecting on my week. It was hectic…full of appointments, projects and people. The most impacting day was Thursday. We were going on a photo shoot for marketing materials so we scheduled appointments with the home base carers in Masi and Ocean View to shadow them and take pictures of them caring for the patients. I’ll admit it. I was nervous. First of all, in all my time here I had never been in someone’s home that lived in the shack. IN the shack…I had been outside it looking in but never had the full experience. Also, there were some safety concerns with me and the photographer being white. White people are not common in Masi and tend to attract unpleasant attention. I never felt endangered the entire time however I was scolded by one of the carers at one point, she said “you can’t walk at the back of us…you must walk in the middle or in front.”

We visited several homes in Masi. A gentleman who has had his leg removed below the knee due to diabetes, a woman with a burn wound, and others. There were times in the day when I was standing in their homes (especially the burn wound) and it took everything in me to keep it together…thoughts running through my head were “Lord, I think I’m gonna puke, pass out or explode into tears HELP ME.” The patient with the burn wound was lying on a mattress that was dark brown and very soiled…it sagged and nearly touched the ground, the walls around her were even more soiled and her ceiling was tin, rusted and corroded. There was one light bulb attached to the post in the middle of the room and an armoire with a mirror in the middle that I had to stand in front of so the photographer could shoot the pictures. Please keep in mind that this room I am describing only barely fit us all in it. We were on top of each other. Standing in front of that mirror, looking out the door to keep it together while this lady had her hand wrapped, dirt all over and around my feet…I’m not sure if it was just in mind but I felt bugs all over me. This is where Nat had gotten fleas before so I was expecting them to visit my clothes/body anytime now.

The carers were such a pleasure to work with. It’s amazing how they are willing to reach out in their own communities to help those that are sick. There are so many people like this in the community though not all of them will allow carers to come to their homes because of the stigma. People in Masi associate Living Hope staff with HIV/AIDS and there is a strong stigma with AIDS in this community. People are disowned, ostracized from all social interaction when they have been diagnosed with AIDS and there’s not many that want to sacrifice their social status for proper health care.

When going to Ocean View we visited three homes. All of them were elderly patients, one lady was 98! 98 YEARS OLD! I couldn’t believe it…well, she was bed ridden but that she would live so long in this society was mind blowing to me. One home we went to the lady was a diabetic who had both legs removed. Her carer was quite the character having on a mesh tank top and well nothing else but a pair of shorts. She began telling me about an Oprah episode that she was watching that listed the top 5 locations in the US where you can find the best men. She began to name them and then told me that she wrote them down if I wanted her to get it for me. Okay, let’s reflect on this for just a minute…#1 Oprah! Um, not a fan. #2 Giving me advice on where to find men from a lady (well, a very nice one) in South Africa #3 He’s supposed to find me…which is what I told her when she offered the list saying that I should visit these places upon my return to the states. Anyway, all of this humor was much needed after my experience in Masi. My last visit in Ocean View although his home was a nice one compared to the shacks it was the most disturbing. It was an old gentleman that lays in his bed day in and day out. His home was locked from the outside…the gate in front of his door and his door. We had to go to his kid’s flat across the way to get the key. We go in this flat where there are tons of food and snacks stacked up at the door where it appears they run a shop out of this place from time to time. The furniture didn’t look lived on. We go to the back room where he is in bed. He can’t speak and he is watching Judge Judy. They talk to him he says nothing but just looks at us with wide eyes and barely moves, hands just move back and forth over his chest. His hands were clearly eaten up by arthritis and I was trying to figure out how he would feed himself the small bowl of food his kid sent with us with the key. The carers grabbed him under his arms and he pulled him up in the bed. He’s immobile. No one checks on him but them. They come twice a week. He can’t do anything for himself. Did I say he’s immobile? No one takes care of him. I think the most disturbing part is that right on the other side of his wall was a group of about 10 men ranging from all ages doing drugs. Sherna sat in the car with it running. She told me when we left that she was praying and very scared of what could have happened. I never felt danger but she said that we were just in the worst part of Ocean View. Ocean View is known for their high crime and drug abuse. As we are leaving these flats there is a lady running on the side of the road and crying…wailing actually as we turn the corner she falls to the ground and lays their crying…we didn’t stop. Sherna said, “We have got to get out of here.”

We went back into our little bubble world of the Long Beach Mall and had lunch. It was hard for me to eat though the impact of the day wouldn’t fully hit me until later that evening. We then went to Red Hill which is a small shack community that I have showed you before. The feeling there is a lot different than any others. Its beautiful there with a great atmosphere of trees, mountainside, and mist. There was a mist that covered the mountain. I felt at peace and as I stood on a big rock at the back of the church there looking over the mountains, I knew that Red Hill was full of the Lord’s presence. He was watching over this special community. My spirit feels drawn to this community in a big way. We walked around to get some shots of the homes and visit with some of the kids before kids’ club. There were babies EVERYWHERE. These babies walk around all alone everywhere…their tiny and joyful and just roaming the earth looking for the next rock to turn over and something to play with. It’s sad because most of the children are orphans due to AIDS. A lot of times it’s children taking care of children. Kids’ club was fun with the older the kids. They were energetic and excited about being there to talk to Zoleka. They started talking about “Passion of the Christ”. Of course, their conversation was in Xhosa and I didn’t understand but gosh, I enjoy seeing them interact. Zoleka told Stanton in English while they were talking…they wanted to know how God could make everyone and everyone be so different. They also asked about Jesus’ beating in the movie and why they had beat him so. The children were so interested. I was excited to see them really having a good time and sharing their thoughts on these subjects. I had flashbacks back to my bible study or Sunday school classes at that age and thought how sad it was that no one really spoke up and spoke their mind and wondered why is it that I was always scared to share what I think about God and his bible stories. These kids were eager. As we were leaving there were two little boys that were waving bye to us as we were trying to get out on the main road which is very rocky and uneven. Sherna got stuck and had to reverse to try again to get over the small incline…once she backed up one of the little boys who couldn’t be older than 5 years old ran and hit the ground where we had gotten stuck and he began to clear out the road, throwing rocks over to the side and removing the rubbish. He hopped back up with a huge smile and ran to the side again…waiting for me to acknowledge him. It was the sweetest thing I had ever seen. This little boy all he wanted was to please us. And when I waved and smiled right back him saying Thank you thank you…his little face glowed.

Dirty. I was so dirty when I got home that evening. I smelled of sunscreen, sweat, and wet dog (or what I thought smelled like wet dog). I had been wet with sweat and dry at least three times during the day. My head was soft and dizzy from all that I had been exposed to during that day. I was drained physically, mentally, spiritually. I went straight for the shower when I got home. Both flatmates were off to separate dinner plans which I think was providential. The Lord knew that I would need time to sort myself out with Him after this day.

I have to say that at the beginning of the day in Masi, I wasn’t thinking “I’m white and people will stare”…but after being coached on walking in the front of center of the group I was aware of my skin color. As the day progressed I became increasingly disgusted with my skin. I felt like crying to them and apologizing for my skin color. I don’t want to be white if it gives me an advantage over them in life. Although this is true there is really nothing that I can do about it. There is so much blood, sweat and tears embedded in the history of these people and even though the government has changed and times are changing there will always be issues with skin color. The good part (or well, positive?...I don’t know what word I am looking for) is that they don’t know what it’s like to live like I do. To have a hot shower every morning, hot coffee and yogurt and put on my clean clothes…having time to spend reading my bible, books, praying, journaling…living such a cush life and even though I hate that my life is this way and their life is that way I ask myself “would I switch roles if given the chance?” Would I sacrifice the way I live to live like them in black skin, in a world of oppression and racist who look at you in Pick n Pay like your existence is an inconvenience to them? Yeah, never in my whole life did I think that there would be such racism in Africa. Africa…racism. Wow, and to think that I sometimes forget my skin color…but those that have lived their lives based on their skin color…they never do. Society won’t let them.

One of the main reasons I look forward to the Kingdom is that there will be no skin color. There will be no division. All of us will be in one place, one level and praising one God for eternity. The beauty of this is one that I can’t even wrap my mind around. Oh, how thankful I am that this world is not all we have to look forward to…

Visuals for you

2007-10-31T09:34:00.000-07:00

#1: this amazing nashville gal sent me some love since i have a new love and that's jim...it would be so much more special if every girl in the US didn't feel exactly the same way i do...umph.
#2: Sherna's mother, Dot, Sherna and The TN Triplets (that's what we have heard we're being called by those we work with)
#3: This is a picture of everyone trying to take down the tent at Kite Festival...no one knows how to get it to fold up...but me and I am standing on the other side of the fence because security wouldn't let me through without a ticket...even after i tried to sweet talk him AND push through the gate when that didn't work. I shouted instructions from the other side and well...they eventually got it all wrapped up. We had to pass equipment over the fence.
#4: Nat had to crawl under...with all the loot in my boot...i would have never made it. (car trunk = boot in SA terms)
#5: me n puddin watchin helplessly from the other side...

Changed my mind...

2007-10-29T02:42:00.000-07:00

Jan 1, 2007 I began praying for change. I wanted my life to change though I didn’t have any idea how, when, why and what would happen. I just knew that I wanted change.

In January my take on life was to find something you love to do, marry a man, settle down get a house with the fence, 2.5 kids, SUV and live the ‘American Dream’. Although this scenario was what I ‘thought’ I wanted out of my life, it NEVER seemed natural for me. I think that I wanted all those things because I was just going with the flow…traveling down this river along side all the other 20-something girls in the US who are being force fed all this rubbish about:

…‘you gotta get married before it’s too late’, ‘don’t you want a big, nice house filled with pottery barn, new cars and successful career’, ‘all this will make you happy and worthy’, ‘don’t you wanna fit in?’….

Now, I believe my vision is quite different since I have come to know myself a little…well A LOT better. See…here’s how I got jerked out of that river (Thank you Jesus). God saved my life in a miraculous way in Nov 2005. Every since then He has been pouring an insane amount of love and knowledge into me…growing me and changing me, strengthening me in my views, values, etc. I had so much love to give as a result of His constant blessings though living in the fast lane I had no where to put it. Mainly because at the time I thought the most logical choice was a marriage since it was all that I was lacking in my life due to having a great career. I was frustrated because God clearly didn’t have a man for me at this time. I could’ve tried to force one into my life but that would have been like Dolly Parton trying to squeeze into a dress tailored specifically for Popeye’s love Olive Oil…not a pretty picture.

I told God, ‘Lord, give me something to love or I will explode…I understand that its not time for me to raise a family so please allow me to love SOMETHING.’

He gave me South Africa…and here I am in a country that has stolen my heart. They are starved for attention and love and need to know Jesus in a real bad way. I’m so thankful I didn’t get caught in that river…living a life that wasn’t a fit for my soul. I have just realized this weekend that more than anything I see this for my life…

A humble abode, simple, small but full of art (Sheila B piece is first on my list to purchase), shelves of books, mismatched furniture and dishes, hand-me-down appliances (though I do have the twins – washer & dryer – I purchase earlier this year while still having a job yessss…) with our out dated vehicles parked in the drive. A Godly man with a passport and a heart for missions and most importantly the faith and desire to get up and move to a foreign country at the drop of hat to lead an outreach project for a couple of months if called to do so. No fancy stuff, no car payments, no debt…just the simple things. Love and food is all you need.

See how different this picture is than what it was in my head at the beginning of this year. I am so thankful for the detachment from all things familiar. I was blinded and would have never realized what I would have done to myself if I hadn’t have found my true desires. God has called me to be a lover, an encourager, a sharer of my radical redemption and His loving grace…there is not anything that I want more than doing exactly that…with my spiritual leader at my side. I have been quite clear to my Father that I do not want to do it alone. However whatever He decides is fine with me…after all He is in charge.

Mondays are not my favorite...

2007-10-29T01:14:00.000-07:00

Especially this Monday is not my favorite for various reasons but let me tell how God loves me more than i can imagine. Not only did i get handed mail from my mother after my breakdown in devotion...i get to my desk where sweet Marie had stopped by on Friday after I had left and left me a small bouquet of colorful spring flowers. Marie is one the reasons I am back. I couldn't get her out of my heart and mind...

so, i'm romanced by Him and i never expected such surprises on this day that is dark, gloomy, windier than you could imagine (which is so annoying sometimes)and rainy.

I'm in love with Him...

PS I have so much to tell you but i have to collect my thoughts and there really hasn't been much time for that. my sister pointed out yesterday that i come home in 51 days. there's so much to do...so little time. i don't know when i'll be back here...you know.

Scale of 1-10

2007-10-23T02:42:00.000-07:00

On a scale of 1-10 how was your Monday? This was the question we ended our dinner party in last night. I am quite familiar to this game due to a life time of my mother asking me after school every day or once a week when I spoke with her during my career. My day started out at a 2-3 and ended on an 8 (or a 10).

2 out of 10

I’m not really sure why but my mind won’t let me really sleep the past couple of nights. My soul feels unsettled about something and I have no idea what it is or how to nail it down. I often tell myself it’s probably that I need to be awake praying for my friends and family back home or the children that I have met here in Cape Town. I’m never really sure but just ask God to help me understand why I am not asleep and put the people he wants me to pray for on my mind specifically so that I can intercede for them.

This lack of sleep I believe has caused me to be delirious and my body just doesn’t seem right. Sometimes I feel sick to my stomach and other times my head hurts. This is how I started my day yesterday. It was the first time since being here that I had to talk myself into getting ready to go into work. (Nat mentioned canceling our dinner party for the life skill educators due to my unfortunate disposition but I said no, we have to…they would be so disappointed…and in the back of mind I knew I would feel better after spending time with such inspirational people). I went on to work hoping that I would begin to feel better. Devotion was the first thing we have to do on Monday mornings. It was amazing. God has been so persistent in speaking to us (me n the flatmates) about prayer the past several days. Our devotion was on God answering our prayers. The catch is we have to be in agreement with His will, praying with God-motives, wanting only God’s plan for each situation. I have to say it is such a blessing to work in an organization where you are surrounded by believers who are constant in reminding us of the goodness of our God.

I began to feel a little better. 5 out of 10

THEN…I took the confidential forms from the HIV testing from the Kite Festival this weekend and put them in a spread sheet to show how many males/females were tested, their age and their results. The hardest thing for me to swallow as the forms I read for a 12, 13 and 14 yr old…12 YEARS OLD…getting an HIV test. I mean, I’m not saying that it’s too early to test but what I am trying to force into my head is that this CHILD has encountered situations that would make them a candidate for this disease.

3 out of 10

Then I had a meeting at 1:30pm with the web designer for Living Hope, Sherna and the Prevention Manager. They are working on setting up a website for the ‘Wait 4 Me’ campaign that you have remember me mentioning in July. The mission team from California do the ‘Wait 4 Me’ campaign to encourage the kids to not have sex until they get married in an effort to wipe out the wildfire of AIDS continuing on for generations which has been picked up specifically by Living Hope to carry on throughout the year. In this meeting we discussed details and logistics of the site BUT I also have the opportunity (if you call it that) to hear horrific stories of pre-school age children that have STIs due to abuse. Okay, pre-school age = 4 yrs old. If you are having a hard time reading this then I will tell you that I had a hard time sitting in my chair as I heard these stories. I get red faced when I hear these things. I usually want to punch my fist through a wall…I don’t do it…but I always imagine this when I hear how evil is trying to destroy people’s lives…excuse me INNOCENT children’s lives.

5 out of 10 (I enjoy being in meetings like this but sometimes the content is devastating.)

Kid’s club…well, you already know this is my favorite part of my week. The children at kids club are just so amazing. They are loving and have this incredible desire to learn about God and they love being a part of something. It gives them ownership and something to look forward to. I stepped outside the container where the older kids were being taught a dance by one of the educators. I had to order the pizza for our dinner party. Once I was done I was distracted by the dancing and had a seat on the curb to watch them. It was so cool. They love coming together to work at something and even if it is a choreographed dance it means a lot to them and try their best to do it flawlessly. As I was sitting there one of the young girls walked up and plopped a dirty little 20 lb boy probably about 18 months old in my lap. She said, “will you watch him?” At first I didn’t know how to respond because I was surprised at her forwardness…She repeated and said “I want to dance will you watch him.” I was like oh yeah sure!

This is what I wrote in my journal last night…

I held a baby today. His little hands were covered in sores and the caked dirt made his wrists and palms even darker than his skin. He held one hand in his mouth the entire time…even though it was not clean. He had dirt crusted all over his face and neck. He was precious but emotionless. I’ve never held a baby with no emotions before. It seemed unnatural. He had an unpleasant stench that would discourage most from even holding him; he drooled on my jeans and rarely moved. All the sandwiches were eaten before my little man got one but his sister shoved the last corner of her’s into his hands before running off to dance again. This snack was the only thing he would remove his fingers for. He ate the tiny snack in no time. Not even making any kind of reaction to ANYTHING as he received and began his feast. I went on a search for juice for him. It, too, had already been distributed to all the other kids. One small girl had only taken a couple of sips and was no longer interested so she gave it to me. I held the stone face child while he drank the glass full of juice, hardly stopping to breath, in a minute or so. He showed no sign of satisfaction when he finished but just handed his cup to me. I even looked in the cup twice surprised at how he drank it all so fast. Even though this child didn’t crack a grin and hardly smelled like Johnson & Johnson he was the highlight of my day. That I could be here in Capricorn on the South Peninsula in Cape Town, South Africa on Monday, October 22, 2007 to hold this child who will probably never remember this moment is a true gift from God. I was so thankful to be able to look into his eyes and pray for him. Love him and hold him. Praying for a grin to spread wide across his little smudged face some day soon.

7 out of 10

I knew after Kids club that I had gotten out of bed and ready for the day for a reason. If it was only to hold the little smelly one, it was worth it. Then we caravanned about 10 of the life skill educators to our flat. By the way, I think we figured out the capacity for our humble abode last night. It was great. God blessed the conversation and we laughed a whole lot. There were serious moments…questions to us about our journey here and why in the world would be leave our lush lives in America to come to Cape Town to work with smelly kids. We got to share some of our story with them. Which to us, we think THEY are the heroes. They are the ones that inspire us. They are the ones serving in THEIR communities and living their day to day lives for the Lord by loving and educating children about how to follow Jesus and respect and appreciate their bodies. They ate ALL the congo bars that I made, mother. They loved the recipe and all want to know it…I told it was a family secret which…may not be true but anyhow, their a big fan of my cooking now…ha. I had the privilege of taking some of them home after dinner. One of the guys began saying “do you realize how special you are? You and I are the chosen ones. I am the King’s son…breathe our dad’s air (sniffing sniffing).” I loved it. I loved his enthusiasm. He then asked about my story. One of the girls in the back had heard my testimony and said “oh zana…she was a party girl.” This cracked me up. I gave him a summary of how God had changed my life and allowed me a 2nd chance at living and then he shared his…

It was a testimony that was RADICAL. Being a former addict of crystal meth and had been abducted and taken to one of the beaches by 6 guys one night where they were going to kill him for cheating a drug deal. He couldn’t explain how he got away and how a neighbor watering his lawn at 12midnight had helped him. He then told of going to church and how he was saved and his preacher praying over him and literally feeling the evil leave the room. It was incredible. His story of how God saved him and how he will lay down his life everyday for His plan, His will. He told how he didn’t want to work here locally in missions and wanted to travel but how God had ‘coincidentally’ put him in his current job and how he LOVED the kids and he was passionate about their lives. He also told how he has begun to intercede for other drug addicts in his community. WOW. WOW. WOW. After spilling all this and THEN he tells me and Nat that he is inspired by our move. Are you kidding me? Nat then gave him a pep talk about how much we admire their faith and willingness to serve. It was just incredible.

8 out of 10…I guess I should say 10 out of 10 because we did end our night with an episode of The Office too.

God is so good to us…ALL of us as his children. We all have different characteristics, talents, passions, thoughts, feelings, gifts, etc. He brings it all together for us so that we can inspire each other. No one person’s story no matter how dramatic or ‘normal’ you may think it is IS not any less inspiring. God has saved us all with the supernatural healing of our souls and hearts through the sacrifice of his Son, Jesus Christ. One drop. “One drop of blood was all that it could have taken…” said the preacher on Sunday. I have heard this 1000 times but seriously have you ever thought about all the pain and suffering Jesus endured just because He loves us. And us, as humans…we don’t even like the thought of being in an uncomfortable, awkward situation where his name is mentioned. Seriously people. Wake up and smell the blood…you’re missing the whole point of what this long strange trip called life is about. Him.

random events...

2007-10-19T08:33:00.001-07:00

(just in case you haven't seen Ronald McDonald in awhile...he's in south africa)

Monday morning I started my week going to a hospital called Lady Michaelis (pic above). One of our home base carers was involved in a diabetic programme and she wanted me to come advertise Living Hope. Well, she wanted Sherna but Sherna had a previous engagement and I had to go in her place. I was definitely out of my comfort zone. I walk in and they show me two waiting rooms FULL of people waiting to see a doctor or receive medication. That was my audience…people waiting. I’ll be honest I was scared. In one of the waiting rooms I was introduced as speaking about diabetes and to let me know if they had any questions. I thought to myself all I know is that my dad has it and you have to wear special socks, great. Well, I introduced myself and gave ‘em the schpiel about Living Hope and Natalie helped me pass out brochures. Then moved on to the next waiting room where I had to turn down the soap opera on television to speak to them. I gave out about 10 or so brochures total. I went to the diabetic programme next as I was asked to share with them as well. It was great because most all of the people in the diabetic programme were interested in Living Hope and I passed out the rest of brochures I had.

This may sound really simple but it was quite hard and I had to pray A LOT (even Nat prayed in the car on the way to the hospital for me). I was just hung up on thinking that I being American would not be a good spokesperson for Living Hope. I had tons of negative thoughts on how I would be received when speaking to these people. However, I did it. And they were kind. Sometimes I just don’t feel worthy to even be a part of their world. I have no idea what’s its like to live like they do.

The highlight of the time at the hospital is when I discovered the egg chairs. They were stacked up in front of an exit (which made me laugh remembering safety walk thrus from my old job). I loved the Mork & Mindy show. I have always wanted an egg chair. I asked Nat if she thought the hospital would miss them…clearly they are in the way.

THEN as we were leaving the Tokai area we were traveling past a Friendly Store (like 7-11 in US) and Nat spotted Papa Smurf. We freaked and I turned around and we went back to the store for photo ops. You should have seen the few people in the store watching us take pictures and posing like we were from another planet. I even went back out to the car to get Nat’s bible so we could use it as a prop. Hilarious. Not to mention that I discovered me and papa have the same taste in shoes.

We have to have fun during our days of work…or else…well, you don’t want to know. Laugh so you don’t cry….

*Living Hope will set up for testing at the Kite Festival this weekend in Muizenberg. Please pray for the nurses, counselors and volunteers that will be meeting and testing the people. Pray for the people that they will get tested. The more people know their status the better the disease can be controlled.

Don't Give Up

2007-10-19T01:03:00.000-07:00

I love my flatmates. There are SO MANY reasons why but one of the main reasons I have come to love these women so is that we each have different personalities therefore we all have different views of our Father bringing several dimensions of growth into one flat. We sharpen each other in providing scripture, songs, quotes, etc when one of us is having a rough time.

Theme of our week for me is Don't Give Up...(you know, since the first of this week I was ready to move on up to that deluxe apt in the sky)

Luke 18:1-8 (scripture provided by puffin)

Now He was telling them a parable to show that at all times they ought to pray and not to lose heart,saying, "In a certain city there was a judge who did not fear God and did not respect man. "There was a widow in that city, and she kept coming to him, saying, 'Give me legal protection from my opponent.'

"For a while he was unwilling; but afterward he said to himself, 'Even though I do not fear God nor respect man, yet because this widow bothers me, I will give her legal protection, otherwise by continually coming she will wear me out.'"

And the Lord said, "Hear what the unrighteous judge said;

now, will not God bring about justice for His elect who cry to Him day and night, and will He delay long over them?

"I tell you that He will bring about justice for them quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?"

**********************************

Bring It All Together by Natalie Grant (song provided by puddin)

I hear you say
That you can't go on
Cause you had it all and watched it fall away
You feel betrayed
Cause everything's gone wrong
Can't find the strength to hope for a better day
We may not understand the reasons
But I know His promise will never change

(Chorus)
He's gonna take your pain
He's gonna take your doubt
He's gonna bring it all together, bring it all together
Gonna make you happy
He's gonna make you laugh out loud
He's gonna bring it all together
Bring it all together for good

You say you're livin your life
Doing the best you can
Wondering if the struggle means anything
If you realized that it's in His hands
You'll find the peace that sweet surrender brings
Well, we may not understand the reasons
But I know His promise will never change

He's gonna take your pain
He's gonna take your doubt
He's gonna bring it all together,
Bring it all together
Gonna make you happy
He's gonna make you laugh out loud
He's gonna bring it all together
Bring it all together for good

I know there will come a day of healing
Then We will see the master plan
We will celebrate His faithfulness
And we'll sing (sing) and we'll shout (shout)
Praise His name

***************************************************

my favorite is 'he's gonna make you laugh out loud.' He is funny and I love to laugh. We make a great team.

Nothing but everything...

2007-10-17T06:08:00.000-07:00

“There’s nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon.”
-Dwight Schrute

I have to admit something. I am addicted to The Office. This addiction has only begun since being in South Africa. I had never watched this show before the day when Laural received a package from her family over a month ago. Her sweet sister sent her Season 1-3 on DVD. Ummm, I have watched this show from the pilot to the end of season 3 and now can’t wait for the next episode…we’re figuring out how to watch what you are seeing in the US now. You see, we don’t have a tv and when we eat dinner at night we watch The Office on Laural’s mac (sometimes getting carried away and watching 4-5 episodes). It is a time we all look forward to each day. When we were watching Dwight quit his job and begin to look for a new one he said the statement above. This stuck out to me…in a huge way believe it or not and I thought “me n dwight have something in common, yikes.”

Yesterday evening Nat had an appointment to do therapy on someone at the team house. I went along with her to visit my favorite place in the world, Noordhoek beach. Summer is here in Cape Town and you should see how excited us girls get when we can leave the house in flops and no jackets. It’s great! The wind was calm yesterday so that made my time on the beach even more enjoyable. When we first got out there, me, Nat and Sissy (Xoliswa) started walking and looking for shells. I pointed out the mountains to Nat. There was some foggy mist collecting around the base of the mountain next to Chapman’s Peak (which by the way those of you who know how amazing the CP drive is…yeah, well, it’s been closed since we got here and is said that it won’t open until end of November. There was a rock fall and they are repairing it…we are going to be very sad if we don’t get to watch a sunset from Chapman’s before leaving). The atmosphere was magical. The soft wind blowing towards the water and the rough waves coming in against the wind causing a mist everywhere…we started spinning and skipping and laughing as we walked because well, at least I knew this was a true gift sent straight from heaven and I was going to enjoy it like the kid that I am deep in my heart. Nat and Sis had to leave to go back for the appt and I had stayed out there by myself. I picked out the perfect spot in the sand where it was rippled from the wind and no one had walked on it. I just sat there staring straight into the sun forgetting everything for a short time. My name, my flaws, my sadness, my excitement, my past, my future, my existence…I let myself forget it all in order to take in the enormous beauty of this time. There was a ship sailing smack dab in the middle of the ocean between the sun and the mountain to my right. As I sat I watched the clouds/mist cover this mountain completely. By the time I had to leave there was no sign of the mountain and all you could see was the clouds. It was insane to me that the clouds could cover up this huge mountain and if I didn’t already know about the mountain I would have thought nothing was there by looking at this amazing picture God had painted for me.

As I have relived this time over and over in my head since yesterday evening, I couldn’t help but think about what’s to come in my life. I leave 2 months from today. I have no plans. I have no agendas. I have NO IDEA what is next. I got nothing. Nothing but everything. The question is becoming a daily phrase from most everyone even myself “What next?”

I wish I could say. I wish I could see into what is in store for me after December 20th. All I can see is God. I can’t see around him, through him, under him…The cloud-covered mountain was a true illustration to me that although I am looking ahead and I don’t see anything…God’s gotta mountain of something in store for me. He’s funny that way as he works behind the scenes to make every opportunity just perfect and right for his children all the while having us stare at clouds that hide everything He is doing. Sometimes He doesn’t even allow the littlest of hints peak through his cover in an effort to surprise us. I’m ready Lord. I’m sitting by the door with my purse in my lap…waiting for you to hoot (south African for HONK the horn) and I'll come out running. I just kinda wish I had a clue so I could pack my bag accordingly. But I guess what I don’t have with me He’ll provide. He’ll have to considering I have been out of work for 5 months now and I have bills to pay and no income. God’s will is God’s bill so I’ve been told…he’s pretty much got all the money in the world anyway. So, here goes having nothing but everything on my horizon.

Hhmmmm…I wonder if Staples is hiring.

PS. I’m pretty sure God made John Krasinski for me. I mean, come on…tall, lanky, handsome, goofy, fun, and great smile…yap, he’s got z written all over him.

See Laural's Blog...

2007-10-17T02:00:00.000-07:00

it will bless you...i promise.

http://lettersfromcapetown.blogspot.com/2007/10/this-is-must-read.html

What cha gonna do?

2007-10-17T01:36:00.000-07:00

“AIDS is not just another problem on the world's to-do list. This crisis calls for the church of Jesus Christ to rise to the occasion. The question hangs in the air, "What are we going to do about it?" This could be the Church's finest hour. Whether it is or not is up to us.”

Richard Stearns, President of World Vision

********************************************************

The more I get out and work in these communities in Cape Town, the more I learn that the statistics of HIV/AIDS in this area are considerably understated. Listen, we may think that this disease is becoming managable and will soon decrease but it's still very much alive and GROWING. We need to PRAY...pray for revival. Pray that people of Cape Town will become on fire for God and want to be healthy in mind, heart and body and have hope in Him thus turning away from the evil that may temporarily sooth their aching souls. It really is overwhelming how huge this pandemic is...only God can overcome it. They need you to pray for them.

Rapture

2007-10-15T05:09:00.000-07:00

Sun, Oct 14
5pm

I have One hope.
Jesus.
He is my most precious treasure.
I love Him with all that I am.
I know Him and what the Bible says though…I am weak.
An avalanche of unanswered prayers comes crashing down on me,
Beating my chest & breaking my heart so that my sobs are physically painful.
‘Keep breathing’ is all I can tell myself.
And although in the past I’ve told God that I would like to experience marriage and being the mother of shaggy-headed baby boys before the rapture…today I can’t help but cry out…begging Him to bring IT!

Isaiah 64

*******************************************************

I wrote this yesterday. I was sad. I was filled with grief and discouraged...angry and depressed. I want to explain my feelings but I really can't. All i can tell you is that i am seeking God and what he is trying to tell me in my struggles and suffering. Many have said to me that being in Cape Town isn't 'suffering' for Jesus. Really? I beg to differ...just because what is seen is civilization doesn't mean that being here is like a bowl full of cherries. Honestly, I am in the most awkward place i have ever been in my life. I don't want to be here and I don't want to be there. I don't even want to be but with my Jesus. I know that begging for rapture is the wuss way out of it and i should put on my big girl panties and suck it up. Well, a lifetime of prayers has swallowed me whole and really...well...sometimes the Kingdom just seems like the best option. I don't know if you understand me and it doesn't matter if you do or not. I'm learning...painfully learning something and when i figure it out i'll let you know.

Yesterday in church he preached on Isaiah 64...that God would rend the heavens and come down...which got me thinking about the rapture. I would much rather bust out of my skin and go up.

Live Deeply

2007-10-10T01:49:00.000-07:00

Puffin, my flatmate, is a physio (US term physical therapist) and works in the health care centre with the patients as well as in the Masiphumelele community with the wound dressing clinic and home base carers. She's got these little love bites recently...from fleas while working in Masi. Don't worry we hosed her off last night. She doesn't have a blog and she read this to me today. I told I had to post it. It's so funny...while she was writing this...i had no idea but was writing in my journal about drowning in an ocean...I love how God works. Oh, and her real name is Natalie. Since this is kind of a marriage we have nicknames...puffin (nat), puddin (laural), and shug (z). Let me tell you...it's great preparation for what is to come in each of our lives.

Live Deeply...

I never liked the shallow end anyway. As a little girl, I remember diving into the deep end and submerging myself completely until I reached the bottom. I would push off and spring out of the water with all my might. I did this over and over for hours. I LOVED the water. I still do . . . the only difference is that now---HERE--- I can't touch the bottom! I am constantly being immersed in the deep end (learning new languages, new techniques, new ways of driving, new faces, and new aches). HE knew I would never tread long in the shallow end. For it was HIM who dropped me into deep waters.

"Live Deeply . . ." I hear these words, but how do I FULLY do it? HE invites me away from the safety of the bank. "Dive in!" HE says . . . "into a RIVER of passionate faith . . . into a SEA of wreckless abandonment." At times, it's exhilarating-- at times, heartwreching. Sometimes, I'm quite sure that I'm drowning. But one thing I KNOW--- If I am immersed in HIM, it is the SAFEST place to be. There is no limit---- no boundary-- no edge----no END. So, daily I am diving into the depths of Africa. Places too deep to touch the bottom--- places too far from thebank. I am learning to live passionately, faithfully, expectantly---- and love DEEPLY.

by Natalie

just for fun

2007-10-09T04:27:00.000-07:00

(pics from Jamboree...)

Some of my favorite time here in Cape Town is when I am alone. I love being alone. I like to listen to my ipod as I wash the dishes and clean the flat…singing loud and dancing. Last week I did laundry in between dishes and was listening to some building a moat action and really enjoying mimicking the oh so talented vocalist (he’s fun). I discovered a great ‘mic’ is the big spoon we have in our flat…while singing I also discovered that my reflection in the spoon was the most entertaining thing I had seen in a long time. An oversized head with a teeny body…it was funny. I laugh a lot. It’s amazing how God really blesses us with time alone. I enjoy having the opportunity to enjoy myself and enjoy being with only Him. The flatmates went out of town on Wednesday night last week. First time I spent a night alone in the flat. I was so excited about this. I fixed the most amazing salad, rooibos, and had some salticrax. I then spent the next 2.5 hours with my Best Friend...just Him, my voice, silence. I actually acknowledge this time the reason why last week was so amazing. You got to spend time alone to appreciate all the time you have with others. Some people are afraid to be alone. Not me…I thrive off of it. Though I look forward to possibly sharing my alone time with Him with you know who some day. Until then, I’ll keep entertaining myself with mini concerts and dance moves. Thanks to crazy for providing the ipod in 2004 that has been priceless since I have been in this foreign land.

Love
zafrika

ATTN MOTHER: will you send me my fire extinguisher? Laural went to a fire safety workshop yesterday and feels we need to be prepared. I told I had one (so glad dad came through with that christmas surprise)...so we shouldn't buy anything. Although it may cost the price of ten of them to send I'm not sure.

All I got was this t-shirt...

2007-10-08T23:52:00.000-07:00

The Jamboree (refer to Z Update for event details) was amazing. And yes, I did get a t-shirt but that’s not all…I got to visit with and meet LOTS of people that live in the Sea Winds/Capricorn area of Cape Town. It was amazing how many people come through the health tent although it shouldn’t surprise me since health care is a rarity in these communities. Most people can’t afford to get anything checked out when they are counting every little bit of money they have to feed and clothe their family. I do have some unfortunate news. The wheel didn’t make the cut at the Jamboree. When we set up on Tues afternoon we had three tables…when we showed up on Wednesday morning someone had downsized our space to ONE table. So, no wheel…actually I took one for the team and suggested we cut it out since it took up a lot of space and the most important thing was to provide glucose tests and blood pressure checks for the people. The foot care and HIV tests were done in another location which was a blessing.

All the health services available were FREE to the people. There were also eye tests, body fat tests, pap smears, etc. All of these services are an incredible help to an underprivileged community. We had several people that were interested in getting more information about Living Hope which was exciting. I have to be honest…not coming from the health profession there would be times in the long hours there that I would need a pick me up from hearing and helping all those with not so great test results. I would then go outside and see what little ones I could find to pass the time. This was my favorite thing to do. There were three different little boys at three different times in my two days that I had a blast with. Only one spoke English…the others were 2 yr old and younger and only spoke very little Afrikaans. Still we have a great time running around, spinning, dancing, playing ride a little horsey (which I don’t think is common in these parts), acting like monkeys, singing, etc. That was the best.

When we were leaving Sherna and I were chatting about my openness to the children and how that it was something new for the parents to be subjected to. Me being tall, white gal sticking out like a sore thumb in the coloured community and wanting to love on their children. Sherna said that the common response for a white person towards their children would be to shun them or ignore them. Sad, huh. Hopefully, at least the few kids that I encounter will get an idea that they are loved by all people.

The Get TESTED day on Oct 5th was postponed until November 2nd at the last minute.

Last week was one of the best weeks I have had since being here. I really have to say that I have an unbelievable support team back in the US that love and support me with prayers, encouraging emails and their money. I honestly don’t have any idea how I would be able to survive without you. When you pray I feel it. There is no doubt about it. God is good all the time.

PS. I had another first experience on Friday night. Well, I have to say that I got to go see live music for the first time since I have been here. A friend was performing with a local band and I was invited to come along. It’s such an entertaining story I’ll work on writing it out later…but it did include my first ever Shabbat experience at the drummer’s mother’s house AND his 88 yr old grandmother who had just gotten back from London where she went to see her first rock show featuring the artist formerly known as Prince…or is it Prince now? She was quite the entertainer herself. Anyway, HILARIOUS…and there was paska. Thank you Jerry Seinfeld for allowing me to have a little wisdom about Jewish traditions…

All My Mistakes

2007-10-08T08:32:00.001-07:00

(Pics from Jamboree Oct 3-4)

All My Mistakes
Oct 8th

When I meet new people we begin to talk about our lives and what we have learned from God over the years. I have found more and more that I have been really good at making mistakes (more so than others). I’m not kidding. I have more stories of unfortunate situations that I tell in a joking manner (if you didn’t know me by now…I’m funny) but have all been a result of poor decision making. I know that I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Now that I know more about grace and redemption I am a different person and God has allowed me to be FREE from guilt which is a surreal thing. I’m not saying that I don’t make mistakes any more because I DO. There are times when I want to control situations and I empower myself by saying, ‘I’ve been a good girl, I’m smart, I am walking with God, I think I’ll just do this one thing, Lord.’ This past weekend He spoke very loudly in His silent kind of way in stopping me from making another mistake. A mistake that would’ve probably thrown a monkey wrench in all that He is doing behind the scenes. Even though it hurt my feelings and I was a little miffed I thanked Him for protecting me when I didn’t want Him to.

Sometimes when I think about the tangled mess of mistakes that make up my life I am overwhelmed by God’s goodness in it all. He has been so faithful in keeping me in the palm of His hand and making sure I was spared from so many dangerous situations. When I see others that I care for making mistakes I feel an intense pain and sadness for them. I know that only they can find out for themselves. I have been there at the crossroads of God’s path and the path that was filled with temporary satisfaction, as I stood there battling internally hearing those that love me so much tell me to turn away from the path of fictional gratification and it being drowned out by the ache that needed fulfillment instantly. I had to learn for myself. They couldn’t convince me of the pain that I was inviting into my life. I was blinded having longed for what society has built up to be the ‘perfect’ existence with love & life like the movies and/or the celebrities we build up to be super humans who are in as much agony as we are. So, when I see this happening to others I can only pray…I even feel that saying things sometimes would be useless.

I have now had the privilege (if you call it that) to feel the pain my mother & sisters probably felt when they saw me choosing all the wrong paths earlier in my life. It hurts. But there is absolutely nothing I can do but pray and remind myself that God is in every circumstance. He is SOVEREIGN…authority over ALL that happens. Even when we are so confused by the current happenings He knows what He is doing by allowing us to make mistakes (personally I even asked Him this weekend if I could get a glimpse of His hand so that I could better handle the cards He has dealt me but unfortunately that would take away from the whole ‘trusting God’ thing we are suppose to do as His children). We don’t even realize it at the time but as we make mistakes we are giving God the opportunity to be lifted up. He will redeem our mess if we let Him and then we will praise Him. He can turn the wrong decisions into a wonderful life…it’s true…though it doesn’t mean it won’t hurt as we learn this lesson but it can happen through the blood of Jesus. We shall overcome it all as we give God control of our lives…letting go of all the world has to offer resting in His promises of eternity.

I have learned to praise Him in all that happens to me. Some of the most painful experiences have given me the opportunity of an incredible intimacy with my Father, the Creator, the King of the World. Sometimes I ponder the amount of scars that I have…scars from painful mistakes and even results of meanness and evil from others. Scars are not really the prettiest things and often people cover them up. I think differently. I have come to love scars and really genuinely feel they add an amazing character to people. This character is a powerful force telling an extravagant story of how God loves us. Although we have a tendency to let our pride get in the way and we don’t realize that hiding our scars only make us feel uglier than they are. When you reveal your scars you have opened the door to a whole new level of relationships with those around you and God (Psalm 32). It’s a healing process within itself bringing with it the results of a spiritual cosmetic surgery.

I am constantly thinking and brainstorming about the book I plan to write about my life and my family. I think about how our stories are the most beautiful bible-like stories of how we overcome brokenness and the miracle it is that we are still standing praising the Lord. My family is the core of who I am today. I love my family more than peanut butter cup cheesecake…well, maybe that’s not such a good comparison but I love ‘em a lot. God has blessed us over and over and over again even in grim situations. But I know it’s not just my family, we ALL have them…every family has scars. We all have a story that has or can still be redeemed. We are scarred but have been healed by His Wounds. His restoration of our damaged souls makes us beautiful.

This is taken from a book called Ruthless Trust…I refer to it often:

We are, each and every one of us, insignificant people whom God has called and graced to use in a significant way. In his eyes, the high-profile ministries are no more significant than those that draw little or no attention and publicity. On the last day, Jesus will look us over not for medals, diplomas, or honors but for SCARS.

**************************

listened to this on repeat as i reflected on my struggles yesterday

Carried to the Table by Leeland

Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord

Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed

You carried me, my God
You carried me

True Fulfillment

2007-10-03T08:24:00.000-07:00

You want to know what i want most in the world? More than my own bed, my mother, my famiy & friends...I am so hungry for everyone to know God the way i do.

What can i do about this? except to share something i just read...

and if you are reading this know that I am praying for you to be full.

**************************************************************************

Few of us hope for a mundane existence; instead, we long to experience a grand life. Unfortunately, chasing after the world's vision of fulfillment leads to emptiness. Many people try saturating their minds with new ideologies and experiences, eager to find the one that will finally fill the hole inside them. But genuine satisfaction comes only through God.

Believers are fulfilled by God's presence living within them in the form of His Holy Spirit. Our decision to love the Lord and give ourselves fully to Him results in the kind of peaceful joy others search for in "religion" and short-term success. Submission does not mean that we settle for a second-rate life, as some people assume. Rather, we trade our dreams for His will. Sometimes our hopes already match His purpose for us, but whenever the two are not similar, the Father's plan is always much bigger and greater than our desires.

A believer's life is designed for God's glory. His purpose was in place for each of us before the world began: "'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope'" (Jeremiah 29:11). We can still achieve goals, overcome failure, and experience success, but for a different reason than when we lived for ourselves. We no longer call people's attention to our own capabilities, but instead bask in the abundant gifts of our loving heavenly Father.

Choose today whom you will serve—the world of empty promises or a God of true fulfillment.

Romans 8:9-14

My God is so BIG!

2007-10-01T07:01:00.000-07:00

My God is so BIG!

“The more we let go of our concepts and images, which always limit God, the bigger God grows and the more we approach the mystery of His indefinability.” - Brennan Manning

I have been praying that I would release all my preconceived connotations of what God is and what He can do. My feeble little mind can’t even begin to wrap around his vast HUGENESS. I guess this is just some food for thought for you. Though I have had someone here tell me “people don’t want to hear about your quiet times…they want to hear war stories…” Well, war to me is when you are begging, fighting, arguing reasoning, bargaining with all your heart and soul with God for something and he continues to deny you…so, being at war with yourself and idea of who God is is sometimes the ROUGHEST battle.

I go to a great church. Yesterday was amazing. Worship consisted of singing, dancing…congregation making a conga line around the auditorium and singing I want to live forever and it’s all about you Jesus. Once worship subsided they read this passage from Isaiah. My heart leapt. My God knows just when to say the words that I need to hear. You know, he’s carrying you on his back too. Piggy back rides are my favorite. Read below.

Isaiah 46

Listen to my family of Jacob,
everyone that's left of the family of Israel.
I've been carrying you on my back
from the day you were born,
And I'll keep on carrying you when you're old.
i'll be there, bearing you when you're old and gray.
i've done it and will keep on doing it,
CARRYING YOU ON MY BACK, SAVING YOU.

So to whom will you compare me, the Incomparable?
Can you picture me without reducing me?
People with alot of money hire craftsmen to make them gods.
the artisan delivers the god,
and they kneel and worship t!
they carry it around in holy parades,
then take it home and put it on a shelf.
and there it sits, day in and day out,
a dependable god, always right where you put it.
say anything you want to it, it never talks back.
of course, it never DOES anything either!

Think about this. Wrap your minds around it.
This is serious business, rebels. Take it to heart.
Remember your history,
your long and rich histroy.
I am GOD, the God you've had or ever will have-
incomparable, irreplacable-
from the very beginning
telling you what the ending will be,
all along letting you in
on what is going to happen,
assuring you, I'm in this for the long haul,
I'll do exactly what i set out to do,
calling that eagle, cyrus, out o fthe east,
from a far country the man i chose to help me.
i've said it, and I'll most certainly do it.
i've planned it, so it's as good as done.

Now listen to me:
You're a hardheaded bunch (= Zana...ha) and hard to help.
i'm ready to help you right now.
deliverance is not a long-range plan.
salvation isn't on hold.
i'm putting salvation to work in Zion now
and glory in Israel.

from The Message

At Home (pics cont)

2007-09-28T05:10:00.000-07:00

At Home

2007-09-28T04:49:00.000-07:00

At Home

I’m at home in the palm of Your hand.

Wed, Sept 26th was probably one of my most favorite days since being here in Cape Town. The local Navy branch has adopted the Capricorn area and had their first activity day with the children. Several of the Navy students caravanned over to Capricorn bringing goodies, equipment and a sound system.

It was a BE-A-U-tiful day…75 degrees not a cloud in sight. When we arrived at 1pm to meet the Navy to set up we were of course met with several little smiling faces. I think I was more excited to see them than they were to see me though. As we got out of the car I found myself surrounded in a circle of tiny hugs. It is so great to receive a welcome like this. I am so thankful that I have been able to establish relationships with the kids from going to the children’s clubs on Monday afternoons.

There were kids ALL over the place and they began to circle up shortly after everything was in place. We started off with singing a few songs about our Father, prayed and it was time to party….Children were split into 8 teams for some good ol’ competition. There was a dancing competition, sack races, boards strapped to the teams feet race (can’t remember what you call this but in college my team always got BEAT when we played this…) and others. Watching the children relax enough to smile, giggle and loosing themselves in the activities just long enough to forget the hardships their families’ face was a sweet release. I love seeing frowns turned upside down into a radiant smile. And sometimes even though teeth are discolored or missing…it doesn’t matter because the beauty of their souls overshadows any flaws. We spent more than two hours playing and laughing with the children. The warmth of the sun, the swift breeze and tall mountains serving as the background for this time of recreation made for a picture perfect experience. As I helped pass out juice for snack time I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed (I know what you are thinking…yes, I get overwhelmed a lot…). And even though e’ery kid that walked up to be served took two steps on my feet I couldn’t be more grateful. I felt it…I felt that I was at home. I was at home in the palm of His hand. I am right where He wants me in the midst of love and laughter with the contrast of poverty and crime. Since I had some home sickness a couple of weeks ago I have been praying that God would make me ‘at home in the palm of His hand’ since His will for me to be here is so evident. I am certain I am here for a reason, His reason but sometimes unfortunately I will let that get drowned out by the ache for family and friends. By the way, the ache has taught me a lesson in taking those closest to my heart for granted. I know that when I am with them again I will say and do all I can to help, encourage and love them. You just never know when God will take you away from the people you love the most. Make sure you hug yo’ mama e’er chance you get…

Today, as I write this I am completely peaceful. God has answered me once again with making me feel at home in a foreign place. Honestly, I couldn’t be more content in all that is my life at this point. He is an amazing God that continues to surprise me with blessings in the silver linings of things I sometimes feel is not so good. Actually, I love it when He proves me wrong.

Dealers in Hope

2007-09-28T01:39:00.000-07:00

I have told you about all of these communities in this video. Red Hill, Masi, Capricorn...

*The scene with the children dancing in the container is Capricorn.
*Sinwabo (youth pastor from Masi Bapt) is in the classroom scene with the blazer on...he is also a life skills educater. I heard that it was raining from the light fixtures the day the camera crew was recording this documentary.
*My beautiful flatmate LB is in a couple of the scenes too. I didn't make the cut.

Pray for revival in these communities. God is working...

Z Update

2007-09-27T09:30:00.000-07:00

Sept 27th

Alright folks…October has been a month I haven’t been looking forward to. Mainly, because the most wonderful, beautiful, encouraging mother in the world will celebrate a birthday on October 11th and I will not be available to attend any festivities. This is fine though…she knows I love her PLUS I was able to plan a SURPRISE birthday party (with the help of my sisters) for her last year. It was a blow out…the famous Elvis cake from Sweet 16th, chicken wangs and friends of hers from childhood. I should be able to ride that out at least until she has another monumental birthday…no matter what I will miss squeezing her.

But don’t fret, October will be a very busy month for me so it should fly by and since South Africans don’t celebrate Halloween I won’t have to spend time working on my outfit for the big Halloween party at the end of the month either…whew (I left the Xena The Warrior Princess costume in the states anyway).

October 3-4 The homemade wheel will make it’s 2nd appearance at an event called the Jamboree. The Jamboree is a government sponsored event where the different gov depts get together in one place to deliver services such as: Grant Applications, Birth certificates, ID documents, Affidavits. We will also have a Health Tent set up. This is where Living Hope will be…our carers will be available to do feet washing for anyone that comes through and would like to get their feet cleaned. We will be testing glucose, blood pressure and HIV. This is very exciting for us. We are going to be able to expose a LARGE NUMBER of people to Living Hope and what we are about. I’m excited…and thrilled to see the government making a step in a positive direction.

October 5 GET TESTED Day at Long Beach Mall – This will be a day where our lay counselors, nurses and carers will set up a booth in the center of the mall and offer FREE testing to anyone who wants it. You know, I found out from Jean Luc last week that in DRC it costs $4USD to have an HIV test. ($1USD = 560CDF) Anyhow, he explained how if someone wanted to get a test they would have to spend 1/3 of one month’s salary IF they had a job. So, I see this FREE testing more as a blessing now not having known before how others have to sacrifice for such a thing.

October 12-14 Living Hope will have a booth set up at the Missions Celebration hosted by Fish Hoek Baptist Church. The conference will be attended by mission-minded people (churches, NGOs, etc.) from all over the peninsula for an opportunity to network.

October 17-20 There is a possibility that I will get to travel outside of South Africa during this weekend. I have been invited to a wedding in Namibia for my friend Ciska. We are trying to work out the details of transportation and accommodations there have already been arranged and are FREE. So, it will be a great opportunity for me to be a part of a wedding ceremony (since Tony and Sherna have postponed their big day until Dec 29th and I’ll probably be polishing my cowboy boots getting ready for another NYE in Nashville at that time) AND see more of Africa and it will not cost me much RAND(if anything at all).

October 23 Michael W. Smith Concert! I know, I know…I know what you are thinking but I have never been to one before. Never. Isn’t that funny. And you’re not gonna guess but I got the hook up. Isn’t that WILD! You all thought that once I left my job I wouldn’t have such a privilege any longer. Well, the love people have for me hasn’t stopped just because I’m a gypsy now. Thank you Jesus.

Um, that’s about all I can think of right now. I will keep you updated of course and will hope that you are continuing to pray for the people of Cape Town as they are such a beautiful people and don’t even know it.

Bit by a one-eyed dog

2007-09-27T09:29:00.000-07:00

Pics: #1 is our Heritage Day celebration at mugg n bean. all the servers consider us family now...#2 our FIRST laundry day at the flats...we get to wash our own laundry but OF COURSE there were issues. no measuring cup #3 and the dryer took our money...this is meet beating, begging and pouting because we lost our coin. #4 kids playing, singing and dancing for money at the Muizenberg market...i have a video too.

Sept 25th

Yep, I got bit by a one-eyed dog on Heritage Day in South Africa (Sept 24). I couldn’t believe it. I have never been bit by a dog before. Daily we go to run on Fish Hoek Beach and there are dogs e’erwhere but never has one taken a bite out of my leg. Since Monday was Heritage Day (OR National Braai Day), all South Africans were off from work…well, most of them. I took one flatmate to work at a field day for older adults (it was called Olympiatrics!) and one flatmate slept in so I went for a nice long run on the beach alone. It started out great. I love running along the ocean and watching all the children and dogs play in the water. I mean, there are always at least 10-15 dogs on this beach.

I had started on my second lap when a dog ran right up to me. Most the time I run around the dogs or they step around me…we respect each other. This time the little mutt ran right up to me and without even slowing down…growled, jumped up and bit my knee. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe it…the main thing I couldn’t believe was that it only had one eye. A one-eyed dog picked me out of all the people on the beach and bit me. The owner wasn’t that concerned and only shouted its name…she didn’t check on my injury or anything. Luckily I had worn pants. I brushed off my knee and kept on running…praying that blood wouldn’t start dripping down my knee as we have heard stories of sharks in this bay as well. Don’t worry, there was no blood. The little rascal didn’t even break the skin but definitely bruised it.

As I continued to run I couldn’t help but think of what the significance of the one-eyed dog means to me. I wonder if it means that I will win the lottery or come into a lot of money? Or if I will meet a Godly man that will have the same vision for his life that I do? Or that I will never have to pay bills again? Or that I will live at this beach for the rest of my life? Or…really I was trying to find some kind of meaning for this bizarre experience. My friends have made fun of me quite a bit over this. Because I continue to repeat “What does this mean? It’s got to mean SOMETHING.”

I know, I know, it doesn’t really MEAN anything except the dang dawg didn’t like my running form or the pants I wore or something…I don’t know. I’m kinda glad he only had one eye though. If he would have had two eyes…no telling what kinda damage he could have done to my knee cap since he only got a side ways chomp.

Oh, just in case you are wondering. I finished my 3 laps (1 lap = down and back) on the beach and even stayed to do my quiet time. At one point during my quiet time I looked up at the water and saw this HUGE dark triangle thing pointing up out of the water. IT WAS A WHALE! First time I had seen one with his head out of the water (only getting glimpse of fins before). There were 4 of them playing out in the bay spraying water in the air and waving their fins. It was a day full of first for me. Some more pleasant than others…but I should be thankful…at least it wasn’t a one-eyed whale that bit me.

one more thing on my heart this morning...

2007-09-21T01:53:00.000-07:00

"May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half-truths and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart. May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace. May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation and war, so that you may reach out and comfort them and turn their pain to joy. And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done. Amen."

Franciscan Benediction

thanks aj...you knew this day before i did.

{see...not so distant from the blog...i just contradicted myself...}

Heaven Sent Surprise

2007-09-21T01:32:00.000-07:00

As I was posting the last blog I had a surprise visitor. Jean Luc! I haven't seen him since the spiritual retreat in Februay this year that Rolling Hills mission team hosted for the lay counsellors and care givers. Wow! God is so right on time. Jean Luc's words spoke so loud to the exact mood of uncertainty that I was feeling in relation to my presence here. He had so many encouraging things to say and he even said "I'm not saying this just to flatter you."

Jean Luc is doing so well for those of you who remember his life in February and the fact that he didn't even have money to live on. He is being paid to be a pastor and his fiance is on her way HERE. They are going to get married HERE...soon! He said he is so happy doing what God wants him to do. He had the book 'Wild at Heart' in his hand. He began telling us all that he is learning from this book about how he must take care of his wife and protect and show her that she is the world to him. How amazing it is that this book is so universal. Jean Luc is from Democratic Republic of the Congo (DRC). So, God DOES have men all over the world that seek Him with all their heart and want to pursue the woman God puts in their path for their very own wife.

God is so good to us. His constant love for us is really unexplainable. He pursues us every minute of the day and speaks to us through people, His creation, emails, songs, etc. I'm so glad that even though I am just plain ol' z that makes mistakes on a daily basis that I am able to receive His love and that He sent Jean Luc to remind me of what He really means when He says...Trust Me.

Jesus, I am resting...

2007-09-21T00:33:00.000-07:00

Jesus, I am resting…
Sept 20
9pm

I apologize but I feel distant from the blog. I am learning so much about God through my time here that it’s been hard to come to you with thoughts. It’s not easy to live here even though the pictures I provide for you are all cheerful and full of time with others. I haven’t been taking a lot of pictures of the unpleasant situations that I come across. It’s hard for me to establish a firm relationship with the people if I have a camera in front of my face. All my interaction with others is driving me to spend more time by myself to process what God is saying to me through the people of South Africa and their lives.

I have been here for two months and have three to go…it’s scary to think about how much I will change before I actually get back to my life in Nashville. God has already changed me so much that I already fear how I will fit or not fit back in the scene I left behind. Honestly, I don’t want to fit…

I have to be honest with you (my sister told me one time when she called that I’m too honest…this cracked me up…never have I been told that before…it’s a true sign God has taken over my heart). Sometimes I feel like my presence here is not necessary. Don’t get me wrong, I am completely confident in God’s plan for me being here in Cape Town however working in an office most of my time makes me think “What difference do I make?” I don’t have exciting stories daily about seeing lives effected first hand or the pictures to show you the frail Africans with faces of relief in my presence. And then there’s the blessings of being in Cape Town. It’s civilized…there’s coffee shops, department stores, internet cafes, movie stores…even sushi. I’m doing my best to not let these distractions keep me from being the best dad gum servant for God I can be…IT’S HARD TO STAY FOCUSED.

Then I have the opportunity to go to a kid’s club at Capricorn on Mondays. I sit in a dirty floor of a container that smells of urine with small children who needed baths two weeks ago crawling all over me. They are resilient…their faces shine of God’s love as they sing:

I went to my Jesus (I went to my Jesus)
I went to the cross (I went to the cross)
I gave Him my sins (I gave Him my sins)
He put them on the cross (He put them on the cross)
So jump for joy my Jesus
Jump if you can
Jump for joy my Jesus
I know, I know I can

You should see this. The children are always full of joy when singing their songs to Jesus. They jump up and down the whole time…and dance. When they pray my heart is overwhelmed with love for them. Their voices lifted up to the Lord lets me know that there is hope in this place. They are the future of Cape Town and God is listening to their thoughts, prayers and singing. I asked one of my new friends, Althea, to explain the song to me. She told me that if you didn’t jump you didn’t love Jesus very matter of factly. This past Monday I had a boy about 8 yrs old hang on my waist and beg me to stay. When I told him I must leave he asked if he could go with me. Seriously, as we pull out of the yard the children are crowded around the vehicle, hands on the windows and I can’t wait for them to all back away but must slowly move forward and pray I don’t run over any toes. I wish that all of you could see this…see the lives they live in the townships. You would never be the same.

I guess what I am trying to tell you is sometimes IT’S SO HARD for me to see the connection of me sitting, working at a laptop each day and making a difference in their lives. I came for the people. I am trusting God though. He knows what he’s doing, right? He loves the people more than I do. Days aren’t always good in my eyes…but He’s God and I’m human and sometimes we don’t always see eye to eye.

This is my song of the week. I am praying this for myself and others special in my life that have confided in me their frustrations.

Jesus! I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
And Thy beauty fills my soul,
For, by Thy transforming power,
Thou hast made me whole.

Jesus! I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.

Oh, how great Thy loving kindness,
Vaster, broader than the sea:
Oh, how marvelous Thy goodness,
Lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in Thee, Beloved,
Know what wealth of grace is Thine,
Know Thy certainty of promise,
And have made it mine.

Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus,
I behold Thee as Thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless,
Satisfies my heart,
Satisfies its deepest longings,
Meets, supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings,
Thine is love indeed.

Ever lift Thy face upon me,
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting 'neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth's dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father's glory,
Sunshine of my Father's face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting,
Fill me with Thy grace.

Dinner & nunchuck skillz II

2007-09-18T09:52:00.001-07:00

Okay...here are the rest of the pics.

Pic 1: homemade ranch dressing...yuummmmm...
Pic 2: Sherna and Pat Ball...Pat is the volunteer coordinator at LH and she is from North Carolina. She is a great woman of God and talks alot like us. We enjoy being around a familiar accent.
Pic 3: my pretty lil flatmates get excited when fed.
Pic 4: Tony is showing off his nunchuck skills and teaching all of us girls self defense during our break between dinner and dessert.
Pic 5: up close look at the mini nunchucks. they actually have another name but i can't remember...i just thought it was really interesting...tony thinks all us girls should carry them. we're not real sure about how we could use our mini nunchucks if we had them.

Dinner & nunchuck skillz

2007-09-18T02:44:00.001-07:00

Pic 1: okay, wait...this has nothing to do with the other pics but i wanted to give a shout out to my boss Sally who i love and miss quite a bit. I can't believe they have made puddin in your honor here in suthafrika. everytime we are invited to dinner we are always asked to bring puddin...and we always pick up a little Sally Williams on the way to our engagement. (sorry about the sweat...i had just ran on the beach).

Pic 2: Tony and Sherna have moved into their great new flat. it's awesome and big and a hop skip and a jump from Fish Hoek Beach. They cooked us dinner to celebrate.

Pic 3: Americans LOVE FREE FOOD. especially ones that have no regular income. Thank you Jesus for generous people.

Pic 4: Ashley Dalton...could possibly be one of the coolest chics i've ever met. I can't believe i have spent 28 years without her.

Pic 5: gauc didn't last long at ALL...it was homemade too. Tony's got skillz.

cont Hectic Week pics

2007-09-18T02:39:00.000-07:00

Pic 1: someone receiving counselling before test.
Pic 2: this should have been the first pic since it was when all the screens got blown over by the wind. don't worry...no z's were harmed.

Hectic Week

2007-09-18T02:27:00.000-07:00

Pics: 1st pic is the 1st set up...the rest are at the 2nd location.

Hectic Week

Sept 17th

Last week was hectic. I really don’t know what to tell you. I worked hard all week finalizing details of the Living Hope booth to be set up at the Penguin Festival at Simon’s Town on Saturday.

Wednesday I went to the craft store to buy paints for the wheel I had Tony build for our booth. I found something that excites me quite a bit…canvases and paint brushes at reasonable prices. I bought a set of paint brushes “for the wheel” and some craft paint. I did check out the acrylic paints though (for those of you who don’t know I use to paint in my spare time…spare time was only available before I went to college). So, I’m thinking since Africa is inspiring me in so many areas of my life I might as well see what Africa can bring out of me on a canvas. I went to an art exhibition at the festival and was a little disappointed in what they had to offer. Anyway, I’ll let you know what comes of my new found desire to tap into my artistic abilities.

Things really got crazy the end of the week but somehow (and with lots of prayer) I was able to bring it all together.

Real quick I’ll explain the wheel. I suggested we have a wheel of prizes to entice people to stop by the Living Hope table and encourage them to get tested for HIV while they were there. Prizes consist of: tooth brush, tooth paste, soap, deodorant (I had both male and female anti-per spirant) and sweeties (aka candy). My new best friend Irvin drove me to Makros on Wed. Makro is a Sam’s or Costco type wholesale store. Besides almost getting run over by a fork lift 5 or so times (they don’t yield for customers). I spent quite a bit of money on the items but had saved my monthly donation to Living Hope to buy the prizes.

So, Sat morn I roll out of bed at 5am to be at LH at 6:30am to load the bakkie (aka truck…I had never driven a truck in this country before) with 2 tables, 10 chairs, 6 banners, 6 screens (standing thingys on wheels for privacy when testing or counseling is going on), the wheel, 3 crates of prizes, 4-5 boxes of supplies to test with and my two flatmates. They however are the smiling faces that helped me keep my cool.

We arrive at the boat harbor at Simon’s town, unload the bakkie and I take off to park her somewhere down the street. Let me set this up for you…our booth is in the middle of 10 other vendors, everyone is working diligently to set up and we are facing the boat harbor. I don’t have but 2 months experience with a stick shift and about 20 minutes experience with this truck. I back up to turn around and ended up backed down the ramp. Okay, what comes next caused some tears. You see, I had been taught to put on the break and begin to accelerate and take it off just as you begin to roll to keep from backing down further. Well, did that but over did something and burned some serious rubber…not bad for getting the party started early at the Penguin Festival. I laughed so hard and then looked over to see both girls doubled over with laughter and tears in their eyes. It’s bad enough that we stick out like sore thumbs being American and all…but after that everyone was aware of our presence for sure.

We got everything set up just in time for a strong wind to knock down all the screens and it started raining. Unlike all the vendors we didn’t bring a tent so we hit the shops until it had passed over. THEN we had to move all of our set up to another location because some thought that we needed to be in a better spot…

We set everything up for the 2nd time in the sporadic rain and very cold winds…we got started about 11:30am. The wheel was a hit! People could not believe that we were giving away free stuff. All the kids loved it and even adults too. We had very homeless person in Simon’s Town come by the table which was great! Everybody loves FREE stuff. We had about 30 people get tested. It was awesome. We only had to quit because we ran out of forms. I know, shame man…we could have tested more people but didn’t expect such a response.

It was a successful day. We gave out prizes to at least 200 people along with Living Hope brochure. So, this was our first marketing/pr event and we are slowly but surely spreading the word to folks round here about what we have to offer…

Um, that’s all I got for now.

Well, except for my new favorite verse…

2 Peter 1:3

His divine power has given us EVERYTHING we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.

Chow.

Break my heart

2007-09-06T12:25:00.000-07:00

(this pic is from Sutherland too...we are posing for My God is so Big (Pat) so Strong (LEB) and Mighty (me z). we had fun.)

Today I read through my entire journal from the beginning of my trip. Mainly because I have been struggling really really bad the past several days. I was looking for something to pick me up out of the ditch i felt that i was in.

Later I went for a run on the beach with a friend. We were talking about struggling and getting beat down with the trials of the world...i made the comment about the nerve of God to be silent the entire time. THEN I realized something about what I had written in my journal and said, "I ask God to break my heart, break my heart and then when He does I scream for help because i am broken." This caused us both to laugh quite a bit as we realize how silly we are when God is trying to stretch us JUST as we have asked we can't wait til it's over.

You wanted to hear about Sutherland

2007-09-06T11:47:00.000-07:00

The Southern Cross in Sutherland

I have this great CSN t-shirt (my mouse almost lifted one time but I caught him red handed) that has the constellation of the Southern Cross on the front. This past weekend I got to see the Southern Cross with my own two baby blues. It was…well, I’m not sure that words can describe the feelings that I felt after we had driven about 10 miles up the road from Sutherland to get out and stare up at the starry sky. There HAD to be a million stars. No lie…there were so many I was quite overwhelmed and I know you won’t believe this…I teared up. I could not believe that I was seeing this amazing sky full of stars. It was pitch black dark out there…no city lights to distract from the beauty of God’s infinite creation. I saw the Milky Way too. It could possibly be one of the most memorable moments in my life and there was no capturing it on camera.

Our weekend started early Friday morn when we were picked up by Dez in the kombie (pronounced com-bee). We then sped all over town with him to pick up the rest of our team…Pat, Ed, Bill (aka Bul) and Uncle John. It was so exciting. Everyone on the trip was quite different but we all had a passion for people which drove us to Sutherland. We stopped by the only Christian restaurant in Fish Hoek, Kosie’s. Kosie’s had clocks on the walls that had times from all over the world. One clock was titled New York. This made me think of my sweet mother who was in New York at that very time. She and Aunt Martha went on a grand adventure to see the Big Apple. Man, I would love to see how the Yankees respond to their southern drawl…probably as well as the South Africans respond to mine. Also, they serve you a bible verse with your coffee which by the way was really really good. Mocha java blend of the day. My verse was fitting for what my weekend would hold for me as I was very anxious about sharing my testimony in front of strangers.

I am the one who strengthens you. Why should you fear mortals, who are no more enduring than grass? Isaiah 51:12

After filling up for the weekend, we hit the road. I can’t tell you how excited I was to see more of Africa. I knew of the beauty of Cape Town but I could hardly sleep thinking of all the beauty God would reveal to me on this field trip to Sutherland. My prayer as we left Cape Town was that God would teach me through the lives of the older men and spunky woman that we went with. Just as we got out of town I saw some ZEBRAS, wildebeests, ostriches, antelope, etc. on the side of the road. This in turn prompted our friend Ed to tell a story about a couple of baboons getting into a BMW convertible at Cape Point before the owners got in…

Nothin but rock, bush and white lines…

Wineries lined the road we traveled. South Africa is known for producing some of the best wine in the world. After getting a little further away from town all that you could see were rock, bush and white lines tracing the mountains. I tried to take some pictures of the mountains but pictures really don’t do the scenery justice. As we winded up the mountains and into the clouds I thought of how God brought me here. Overcoming my fear of the unknown and sitting in the back of the kombie with 4 men and 3 little women ALL of which I see with more wisdom of God that I could ever grasp. There’s more about God that I don’t know than I do know about Him. I guess which may be a lot of what this relocation program He has me on is all about…knowing Him more.
The ride was quite bumpy and Dez I have to say is the best at hugging the curves of the mountains at high speeds. There was not a dull moment. It was really cool being able to see for miles and miles…as the warmth of the sun heated our seat I thought about all the pain I experienced while God plucked me from my path which was heading no where fast and He placed me in His will on a road to love and mercy. The pain was worth every minute. In fact, I recall a specific day where I cried out to God asking him repeatedly “Why is this happening to me? I’m a good girl. God, there HAS to be something you plan to fill this void where my old life use to be.”

The sad truth is is that I knew that my old life was wrong. I was a child of God but I lived like I wanted to…did what I thought was best for ME, dated who I wanted to, did whatever made me feel like I was loved, etc. Riding up the mountains God spoke to me so loudly through their beauty saying this is what I have for you. You were doing it all wrong and I had to take you from YOUR way of life. You would have never experienced THIS if you had continued. I would have never been able to travel this road in South Africa to an unknown place to meet beautiful people and precious children, to speak of God’s love in this village if He hadn’t of changed my direction. No matter the stupid decisions I made in the past He would see that He would be glorified in my life. I was thinking “where does this road go from here?” Still I don’t know but I do know God has people He wants me to meet…to pour my experience of His love and grace into them.

Africa’s Giant Eye

Sutherland was established in 1855 by a church. The church began to give away plots of land in 1856 which brought people into the town. The observatory was built in 1972. They chose Sutherland due to the location and altitude (which is why it is VERY cold). There are 5 (or maybe 7) telescopes there…Korea, Germany, uh and some other countries own them and then there is the S.A.L.T. (which I was told they called it the V.L.T. before leaving which stood for Very Large Telescope however was glad to see what it is really called) South African Large Telescope. This is a tourist attraction which helps the economy in Sutherland because besides sheep farming there is no economy. 75% of the people in Sutherland are unemployed. Some of them serve as tour guides leading tourists to the SALT and museum for tips. S.A.L.T. is the largest telescope in the southern hemisphere and is also referred to as Africa’s Giant Eye. It was such a privilege that we were able to take a little of our time while on a mission focused trip to go see the telescope.

Mind Your Heart

Well, we went for a 7:30pm service on Friday night. The people of Sutherland were quiet as we introduced ourselves. Probably because 1 out of all of them spoke English. Dez was our Afrikaans interpreter. It was interesting to meet them and see that really there was little interest on the first evening in what we were doing there. 20-30 people showed up for the service. We announced that we would have children’s club at 9am the next morning.

Club time came early after sleeping in a something that felt just like a meat locker. I had on 3 layers of clothes, in a sleeping bag and three blankets on top of me…not to mention I slept with my hood on. I still froze. We were so thankful to have hot showers though. In a locker room that had cold concrete floors there were a couple of shower heads that we used to rinse off. None of us had the nerve to wash our hair for fear of not being able to dry it and catching the death of cold (so you can imagine what out heads looked like on the third day). Anyhow, club time…yeah…it was SO MUCH fun. At first only a few showed…they were all boys which I thought was cool since I assumed mostly girls would come. We got started with a song and then the kids came out of every corner in Sutherland. WE had a total of 90 kids at the children’s club. The language barrier didn’t stop the laughter. I’m not sure if you know this but I can be quite animated and silly and the kids really loved it. They enjoyed watching me dance around them singing and acting out “My God is so BIG, so STRONG, and so MIGHTY there’s nothing my God can not do (clap clap).” We taught them several songs but had the preacher’s daughter there to lead in Afrikaans. (note to self: brush up on Afrikaans before going back). It was such a blessing to spend time with the kids. They were very sheepish at first but were having a ball by the end of our time together especially when we passed out apples to all of them…they were thrilled about their morning snack. We invited all of them to come back to the Gospel Service that evening (in hopes of their parents joining them) and of course for them to perform the song we taught them.

Open Air Service

So, we did something that was even new to our leader Dez…the Open Air Service. Which it was organized by the local pastor but he wanted Dez to bring the word and me to share my testimony. We didn’t find out about this until 12noon THAT day. It was a little nerve wrecking to me since I was a little anxious about sharing at all. The service was located in an open area that faced a game store (youth hang and are up to no good playing loud music and games) and the local tavern. The loud music from the game store was overpowering but simply started to fade as the preacher man began to play his electric guitar on his small PA. There was a lot of singing and people were very hesitant about coming over. I was standing beside a lady during the beginning and a man came by and started to harass her and pushed her down to the ground. He ran off and then showed by up about 5 minutes later after she stood up and brushed herself off and resumed clapping with the music. He pushed her down again. THIS made me ANGRY. I wanted to kick his you know what. But all I did was help the woman up and stand as close to her as I could without freaking her out so that if he came back by he would have to deal with me. He didn’t come back.

I was then asked to come forward and grab a mic to share my story. Dez interpreted my words in Afrikaans. Let me tell you…it is definitely a challenge to keep your train of thought when you have to stop every phrase to let the words be translated. I struggled. I invited everyone that had gathered there since the service started which was about 20 or so people. Most of them came from the tavern. After I finished sharing I had many of the people of Sutherland with alcohol heavy breath thank me for my story. Baie Dankie…thank you very much they would say…one gentleman had eyes full of tears as he shook my hand over and over. They were dramatic. Several of our team knelt and prayed with those that had come forward. I said a prayer one drunken night and my life hasn’t been the same since so I am hoping that although their minds were soaked in alcohol that the Holy Spirit moved in their hearts that day. Even though we encouraged them to come to the Gospel Service…none of them showed.

We were greeted with over 100 kids (more than earlier in the day) at the Gospel service that evening. They were jumping with excitement to see us as we arrived. Some even remembered my name. It was cool…especially since they did not speak English. After the service started we got the kids up front to perform the song. We sang, we danced, we acted goofy and felt lavished by the Lord’s presence as our smiles communicated not only to each other but to the adults the love in our hearts for one another. I truly believe angels danced around the throne during our time together.

Eventually it became time for me to share my testimony once again but in further detail. This was a little more unnerving since it was silent and no distractions but everyone in the room (which was packed) staring at me and Dez on stage. I told my story and felt that it was over in no time. I felt numb leaving the stage and didn’t know if I had done what God brought me here to do and the place was silent. During the message I couldn’t help be critique myself over and over again. Thinking that I had hardly lived up to what God had asked me to do in relaying His story to His people. One of my roommates asked me later on that night as we were getting ready for bed what I thought about how it went since I had been silent all night. I told her that I hate to admit but I was disappointed in myself. I felt that I could have done so much better but hardly felt my job was adequate. We were all settled into bed but the light still on for some that were reading and there was a knock at the door. Dez asked if he could speak with me. He opened the door and said, “Sister Zana, I just wanted to tell you that you made a huge impact on these people tonight. You turned the key by telling them to think of you every time they are tempted. That will stick with them. Thank you for sharing your story.” He then shut the door. I asked my roommates if they thought Dez heard me speak of my disappointment even though he was not in the room. They said no…that’s what you call the Holy Spirit. I couldn’t help but smile very big and be sad all at the same time. Smiling at my God because He is so faithful and sad because I doubted what God was doing through me. Why can’t I just believe in His power even when He is using me?

Sunday Morning

It was bitter sweet going to the Sunday morning service. We had made a connection with these people and didn’t want to leave them but knew that it was time for us to go. We had a great service with them and you could feel the energy and excitement from the new relationships that made over the weekend. My favorite thing about their services is the freedom of worship in the Holy Spirit. I love the dancing. There is one song they sing “It is happening” and the rest is in Afrikaans so I can’t tell you but 3-4 of the young men in the congregation come to the front and dance around in circles. It’s contagious…and if I had a little more confidence in my white hippie dancing self I would’ve busted a move with them. I liked moving in the space in front of my seat. Us girls had a good time. A special moment for me was when one of the older ladies in the church came up front to dance with them and sing of their many blessings. She had a very deep and long scar that started from the side of her eye to the back of her neck. I thanked God when watching her that she could be there to dance and sing praises to his name. Wow…I love seeing and learning more about how deep, wide and big His never ending love for us is.

Um, I feel like this is way too long and maybe even a little boring to you but I wanted to share most all of my experience of Sutherland with you. It was a surreal weekend. Dez will be taking a group back in October. If I have the money, I plan on going but there is no telling what else October may hold for me. We’ll see.

OH, and when we traveled home to Cape Town my heart jumped as we pulled over the mountain and saw the Indian Ocean. I’m HOME! I thought and was thrilled to see the water once again.

Thank you Jesus for calling us to work in a beautiful place with moderate temperatures. AMEN.

Threads Media

2007-09-06T11:30:00.000-07:00

An article written by a close friend of mine may be of interest to you.

http://www.threadsmedia.com/index.php?/live/from_jail_to_africa

Mornin Sunshine

2007-09-05T03:40:00.001-07:00

This was written last week...i'm just posting pictures from this past weekend...there are so many i want you to see.

Mornin’ Sunshine!
Aug 30
10am

I wake up, thank the Good Lord for another day and throw my long legs out of bed. I love getting up in the mornings excited about what new and exciting things will come. I do some firin’ it up with a little Bill Stager Fitness flurries in my room (along with some stretchin’ recommended by my mother who use to tell me e’ery morning I would grow really tall if I stretch as soon as I get up…she wasn’t kidding) and then hop into the shower for a mini concert for…well, myself. I move on out to let all the others enjoy the luxury of a hot shower and study in the word, talk to my best friend…sometimes our conversations are intense and all I can do is focus on Him but sometimes I enjoy my jungle crunch and a cup of ‘rise n shine’ while we chat. I pray for all my friends/family who should be sleeping back in the U.S. as they’re fresh new start of the day comes soon and then I pray for my new African friends/family and those I have never met. I usually began styling the Z before finishing prayer because really I pray all day…there’s no end. We grab out laptop filled bags, say a quick flat prayer at the door (mainly for our safety as its ALWAYS an adventure on South African roads) and head off to whatever tasks there are waiting for us at Living Hope. I love mornings.

A question God has asked me recently is “How would you feel if you had no reason to get up in the morning?”

I’m praying that He will help me understand exactly what this means. I would like to know more about how the people in the townships feel and even though I beg the Lord to break me down and give me insight into their world I can hardly imagine that I would ever be able to understand without living it.

We (Americans) wake up, we have responsibilities of work, friends, family, children, meetings, chores, etc. If we don’t HAVE to do something specific we have money to go to Fido and meet a friend for coffee or shopping at the mall or a movie that we want to see.

The thought of having absolutely nothing to make me feel like I am worthy of love, respect and value would be hard to overcome. I also think about how this could very well be the element of their life that has lead to so much involvement in evil ways (the devil loves an idle mind)…drugs, alcohol, sex with multiple partners, rape, domestic violence, violence period. Poverty makes people crazy. They don’t see a way out except to have as much “fun” as possible and hope for an early death. They feel that they have nothing to live for if no one is waiting on them or counting on them. “Fun” that is free to the poverished is what is killing generations in Africa leaving thousands of orphans behind. Poverty and HIV/AIDS are a deadly duo that continues to dominate in South African society. The number ARE STILL increasing. It’s such a vicious cycle too. The stigma is unimaginable and has a lot to do with the increase. People are ostracized once they are diagnosed which discourages people from getting tested AND they continue with their “fun” and infect more and more people not even knowing they are carrying the disease. (One of the reasons why one of the main focuses we have at Living Hope is getting as many people tested as possible…so we can then counsel them and encourage abstinence in an effort to stop the spreading).

The question I ask myself as I learn more and more about what people are dealing with when they are born into poverty in this society is “If I were in their shoes, born into a culture where the kids aren’t motivated to go to school because there are no jobs to work towards, nothing to aspire to…would I be HIV free?”

I can’t answer that question. I don’t know that I wouldn’t have to go to desperate measures to provide for my family or worse just become so insane over the restrictions of not having one single thing to do except sit and breathe that I couldn’t stand myself.

Random Pics

2007-08-28T08:52:00.001-07:00

Saturday we spent our morning at Mugg & Bean (the closest thing to starbucks) so that we can catch up on our folks back in the US.

The rest of the pics were taken at a choir fundraiser at Masiphumelele Bapt Church. It was scheduled to start at 2pm. We arrived at 3pm and it didn't start until 4pm. T.I.A.

Mission Trip to Sutherland

2007-08-28T01:44:00.000-07:00

Mission Trip to Sutherland

Aug 28th 10:30am

Friday morning at 10:30am the flat mates and I leave to go to Sutherland with a group on a weekend mission trip. It’s about 4 hours north of Cape Town and we have been told that it’s a lot colder (ouch, not looking forward to this). Our Maintenance Manager (Dez) at Living Hope has been organizing small mission trips for years now. He’ll take a group of 10-12 people into a village to share the good news with the people, host children’s programs and a gospel service for everyone. I heard a story last night that he had been going to one particular village for one weekend a month for 2 years. He took clothes every time and helped to rekindle the desire for God in the local churches. He had clothed the whole village and on his last visit there he told them that he was going to go to a new village since they were doing so well.

Well, Sutherland is a new village. He hasn’t taken a group there before. We, of course, were the first to tell him we would go. We are very interested in seeing more of Africa. Cape Town is amazing and has the most to offer a materialized American but we want to be able to see what Africa living is really like. We had to pay for our trip (gas, food, hostel) but we feel like it will be well worth it. We are going to do door to door evangelism as well. It’s an Afrikaans speaking village so we feel that more than likely we will be prayer warriors during this time. I admit it makes me a little nervous…I have never been the door to door type. It’s uncomfortable however God doesn’t call us to an easy, comfortable life…so be it.

This morning Dez came to speak with me. He asked me if I would like to be involved in the children’s programs while some of the older adults went door to door. I said, "yes! I love kids." He then began to tell me more about the gospel service on Saturday evening. He said there will be a lot of dancing and singing and a message shared. He then said "...but we haven’t really put together anything for the young adults and I wanted to know if you would be willing to share." My chest began to burn (which I was told last night that this was the Holy Spirit when I was talking about mission to Malawi…I get big eyed and big minded thinking about ALL the places I want to go to share God). Share? I asked him if he knew of my testimony thinking that someone told him and that’s why he was asking. He said "no, I just thought you would be good." These people don’t speak English and he will be translating it to Afrikaans. I told him I would share my testimony. But I began to tremble from the inside. Recalling the feelings of sharing my story the beginning of this year and how incredibly hard it was to stand in front of a group of strangers and friends and tell the worst part of my life (but now without my faithful support team of 20 from RHCC). I asked him to pray for me because it would not be comfortable for me but I would do it. I then asked what were the problems in the young adults of the village…he said alcohol is number 1.

Honestly, I’m very nervous…please pray for me. Specifically for me as I share my story this weekend and the people of the village that will receive it. Pray that I will be able to communicate it eloquently so that it will be translated clearly to have the most impact. Pray that God will open the minds and the hearts of the people in the village.

I know God has given me life in order to go to the people and share a 1st hand example of how He is the most loving, gracious God in the world. I just don’t know why HE KEEPS on asking me to speak (he knows I hate speaking in front of a group) and have thought several times about hiding in the bush…but we all know what happened with Adam n Eve…there’s not a bush big enough.